Jesus!

So it's Easter and since I am Catholic (I had nuns for teachers! I sin!) I decided to think of all the things I could about Jesus without thinking hard enough to get sent to Hell. You never know...

• Jesus is the only person whose death gets hung on walls. You don't see people hanging little statues of Kennedy's limo over their beds.
• The funniest thing I ever heard anyone say about the bible was once someone brought it up, and this kid goes: "Good book. He dies at the end, but there's a twist!"
• I bet if Andy Rooney were writing this, he would say: "You know, if Jesus were alive today, I bet he'd sigh a lot.
• I assume that Jesus would be disgusted that I am using this bullet point to enter TysBlog.com’s Entrecard Credit Contest but that won't stop me from asking him to help me win.
• Nobody says "Yahweh!" or "Confucius!" when they are pissed.
• He would take Buddha in a fight, but I think it would take a lot of goading for there to actually be a fight.
• If you go by the Crusades, then a fight between Jesus and Mohammed would be a draw. But again, hard to get them to really scrap.
• My stepmother's friend was an evangelical, and got mad when I said: "Jesus was invented by Jews and perfected by Catholics. Where do you come in? Protestants just want to be Catholic but with the hard parts taken out.
• My high school girlfriend was Jewish and her dad laughed when I told him he was one Messiah behind.

I think that's all I know about Jesus. Except if you are interested in history, try to find the gospel of Thomas. It's about when Jesus was a little kid, and incinerated the kids he was playing with. And I totally believe it, too. I know if I could have incinerated other kids, I would have been a walking incinerating motherfucker.