Old Magazine Ads

Schlitz Revolutionizes Beer Can Opening

I think today's drunks will be baffled by the lengths their drunken forefathers had to go to through to get their delicious beer.

And just think about the fact that somebody at Schlitz probably got a fat promotion for this huge advancement in beer accessibilty. I wish it had been my grandpa.

Tipalet tells you to blow it in her face

Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere. Think about that for a minute.

How AWESOME is that? I mean, they might be talking about cigarette smoke, which I am sure is making people eyes just ROLL back in their heads. OMG you made my hair stink....blah blah blah.

But do you think this guy cares about what your hair smells like? Damn right he doesn't. He is busy smoking his odd little smoke, and blowing it in her face. And what you REALLY don't get about the whole thing is that the little white thing on the end of his smoke contains hypno gas - and he is putting her under his power. Good for you, mister. Score one for smoking hypnotists.

More Doctors Smoke Camels

Smoking Doctors are especially awesome because they perfectly illustrate the point that everything people say about smoking is two faced and stupid.

Yeah smoking is dangerous, but that is not the point of this. That guy is a DOCTOR. Look how doctory he looks. Is he dead now? Sure he is. But it wasn't smoking that killed him. I'm betting that he was killed by his wife when she caught him nailing his hot lady patients.

Yep - she shot him in the temple while he was sleeping, then she had a refreshing Camel. The sweet smoke calmed her nerves while she planned her next move. Her next move turned out to be crying and calling her mom, but she was calm while she did it. And her mom hid the body. I love the past.

Having a Fag Better than Being Hit By Bus

It's funny when words used to mean something other than what they mean now. I sort of think this opne is fake, cause I don't know what they are advertising specifically.

If it is real, then the ad could have been paid for by the National Tobacco Consortium. They were a big deal years ago. They financed the Moon Launch and invented Indian Casinos.

True Story....anyway - look at that pic, it says FAG but they don't mean gay people. Clever.

They're Happy Because They Eat Lard

This has to be fake. Doesn't it? I mean, even I wonder if the Lard Information Council had the budgets to put out a campaign like this. They usually kept to themselves, sending information packets to curious consumers and lobbying Congress.

I like to think they had time to come out with an awareness campaign, but I somehow doubt it. If anyone can confirm that this is real, please email me.

And if you can't really confirm it, email me anyway with some ridiculous story about the whole thing.

Women: Spray your Cootches with Lysol

I hope this one is real. I think that using Lysol on your body is an important way to show people you care.

And that web of indifference is a real thing. I remember once in college I was dating a girl who didn't take such good care of her self down there. And by dated I mean met in a bar.

So when we got back to my room, she noticed the big spiderweb I had constructed. She thought I was gonna use it for something sexy, but I explained to her that it was a web of indifference.

Later that night, she threw up on my web and I had a calzone. And the web is still standing today. So that shows you that spraying Lysol on your cooch will definitely kill it's germs. And that I suck at relating stories to the topic I am writing about. Which is worse than it sounds cinsidering I made it all up (it was a dude).

All women Sluts - Act Accordingly

That cartoon 40's chick is hot. I would have made her my pal, most likely while smoking a pipe and talking about socking it to the Nazi's.

And I don't think this is something that would have been in a magazine. More likely it was posted in some army barracks somewhere. Those soldiers needed to be aware that most chicks were spies who would have gone and told Hitler how you were planning to sock it to him. They would also have given you a Venereal Disease. Those Nazi Whores.

Santa Smokes

My Grandfather gave all his kids a carton of smokes for Christmas when he was old. They appreciated it, and he knew it was something they would use.

He was awesome. He also smoked an average of 2 packs a day for 68 years. That's 992,800 cigarettes.

Damn.

Tape Worm as Weight Loss Plan

Do you think this would work? I mean, seriously? I'm no master of physics, but I think that if you have something in you, and that something eats five pounds of crap, then it is going to weigh five pounds. And since it's in you, you weigh five pounds more, too.

That said, I do think there is merit to have ghosts in your stomach that eat your food. Then the food would be sent into the ghost realm after you ate it.

Plus, it could be the ghost of a person, not a worm. Having a ghost tapeworm in you would just be stupid.