Well it's been another week, another blackout, and welcome to another edition of Action News' Recap with Dick Bigman!

We start, of course, with:

Saturday the 11th

Slightly pre-Saturday, Kameron posted his "Fuck This Shit" thread, which turned out to be a winner, packing in the fudge for multiple pages. Good times were had, bad times were had, we all became a little bit wiser, and the whole thing is being turned into an after school special about lying.

The lovely Salsera exhibited sauciness and wanton thoughts when she wanted to know if anyone has ever had a fuckbuddy. Unsurprisingly, the vote turned out to be a definitive 2 to 1. There are many sluts in the depths of the forum. Although, some have a caveat that shows one person can become attached, wanting more out of the relationship. Ahhh, there's nothing quite like unrequited love. Longing for heartfelt depth, and knowing that the naughty parts you so long for are the emotional equivalent of a sock or extra knobby cucumber.

Neo wanted to know who was the biggest forum prude, besides Ravioli. Which brought up the question of just how many guys does it take, in what length of time, to be disqualified as a prude? How many boners does it take to loosen one up? Is it a per dick or by the inch measurement? Is there a formula one can use to figure it out? I don't know, but I'm sure the government is paying someone somewhere to waste money finding out. Our local pollster also moved on to predicting results for those who wouldn't take the crazy test. Good times.

The vote was cast, and Acadia changed his avatar.

Kelly and Hanna's e-love blossomed with an e-proposal. I'm sure hearts are breaking all over the board with this bit of news and lovely lesbian playfulness, and you're looking to me to make a joke about video taped goodness, pussy cupping, Logan's balls exceeding their mileage limit and having a blowout, or his mustache suffering from spontaneous combustion. Well, they're underage, so you'll just have to picture all of that in your head. I've got standards.


Sunday the 12th

Neo posted a pic and invited everyone to caption Jxn. There were the usual arguments about whether he was cute, creepy looking, or both, and does he want to eat or sex our internal organs. Is his hair wet, or is that grease? Is he a mod with godlike powers of retribution? I couldn't say, but even if he is a mod, one shouldn't be cowed by the hammer he wields. Just awed by his charm and sense of fair play. Seriously, he's like puppies. Who doesn't like puppies?

Tinkerbell showed up. Dupe, not a dupe, who even gives a rat's ass anymore? I need a white board and dry erase marker to even keep track of them anymore. I think signed n00dz should become a requirement for Hole poster validation. No n00dz, no posting. All female candidates should forward a signed and sexy picture to the Action News studio, accompanied by some sort of feminine undergarment. All male candidates should forward their request to:

Nick201
c/o The Ball Pit
69 Hershey Hwy.
Denial, NV 43562


THS pondered whether or not pezzy was a little person. Which turned into a discussion of her looks and/or sexiness, the lack thereof, and the usual sniping. I ponder whether pezzy has a fliptop head and can be filled with delicious candy. Why doesn't somebody make a pez dispenser you can put your favorite pharmaceuticals in? Or beef jerky?

Harry Dijon (Ballsack) returned to say Yeti and others had messed up his account. Also, the dog ate his homework, and society is to blame for his post deletions. His threads are the result of a secret cabal sending invisible radio waves into his cranium, and Nina is really a Chinese sleeper spy with huge guns, who looks absolutely nothing like a shark in tennis shorts. Despite everything else, he does make a mean sandwich, so I guess the new incarnation can stay.

Yeti has gone AWOL, throwing the forum into electronic mourning for his delightful and caustic animations. Never to fear, though, according to Acadia, he will still be posting animations in the gallery. It just wouldn't be the same place without people popping out of nipples or Backfat getting her animated drunk on.


Monday the 13th

In the words of Noodles, Great Googly Moogly. Neo polled to see if Rav should stop bumping all his threads, and there were many. With the yes votes vs. the mean/backfire votes tallied, it was about dead even. We were all treated to a nostalgic walk down Neo poll lane.

Rubi revived the who do you want to sleep with thread, breathing some new life in to the subject of who wants to insert what into whom. I'm willing to sell my vote for sexual favors, as long as Logan doesn't decide to take up penis palming. I just don't think I could bring myself to do it. I mean, who wants to be sloppy seconds after LJ? The smell of lube, gelatin, pork by-products and parental neglect? Ewwwwwwww. It'd be like being ballgagged and raped at a luau, while your kids had to watch everyone else eat dessert.

PB's round of 20 Questions livened up the morning. Sort of. It ran for numerous pages before the lameness set in.

Apoth posted the MH baby shower thread, complete with cenobite baby toy. I guess they were all out of rawhide rattles and beefhide jumpers. He was feeling in a giving mood after the office supply fairy brought him a new stapler and combat set of pullers. The thread was fleshed out with numerous items, such as armor and Tom's powertool suggestions. Doodles captured Apoth's ginger chi and Chuck Norris-like combat essence. I had to watch Gymkata again, for purely non-sexual reasons. Because Kurt Thomas was a limber, thespian God.

Logan seems to have won the too scary to meet in real life competition. That's it. Keep moving.

Mightyboy decided to embark on a quest to become Australia's next top model. Is it to combat sexism and promote gender equality? Is it a do anything attempt to get his face on television and further an acting career? Is it a reason to dress as a woman and revel in the feel of silken undergarments without suffering the repercussions of society's prejudice? Well, I'm no therapist, so I'll just leave that where it is.

Tuesday the 14th

LJ came back as Michael J. Cox to defend Logan, before getting rebanned, thus blowing a perfect opportunity for a Family Ties reunion parody. If it was me, I'd have borrowed Tina Yothers identity. I mean, she's not using it. Lime accused Neo of being a mod who can't handle confrontation. I can't help but think of her as a lovable monkey. A wacky monkey who keeps sneaking into the house during family dinner to wack it on the dining room table, fling poo all over the furniture, bite the dog, and hump grandma's wig.

New speculation about who's in power on the board caused Tom to bump numerous “who's a mod” threads, and Kiki got accused of whining that everyone against her is always a mod. I wish the mods would just out themselves already, and let us all know to whom we should be supplicating ourselves. It would sure make the bribes easier. I could quit mailing out random envelopes full of money and blow.

Everyone got to confess to the strangest meat they ever ate. Except Nick201, and I think we all know why. In related news, Kiki wants ketchup gone, comparing it to the Devil's own blood. Other condiments voted to replace it included mustard, A-1, and hot sauce. The Devil is said to be seeking a transfusion.

YP asked that people stop bumping things, so I guess our sexual relationship is over. But we can still be friends, right? I can visit you in the nunnery? Right?

Zombie returned to do some catching up, sans Tyrone's semen commentary. The corrosive wit and sarcastic humor was a sorely missed element in the forums. Now if Mr. Biggums was around to make manjuice moisturizer jokes, it'd be just like old times.

Wednesday the 15th

The thinly veiled Dijon took aim at Boogie and THS, devoting separate threads to each. PB was called out for making shitty threads and generally boring everyone to death. Sailor Mercury continued to be the pot calling the kettle a black gentleman.

Neo polled a laundry list of Rav's perceived flaws, and she came out of it just fine. The love continues for our resident noodle, despite her edginess of late. I'm wondering if a Captain Morgan's and Midol enema might not do the trick. It couldn't hurt.

Apoth was trolling newsgroups and came across one he found funny. Just for the record, he needs to stay away from my cornfed cuties group. The flyover states are mine, and if there's any chubby cupping to be done, I'll be doing it, Mister.

Rubi dyed her tit blue. I wish I could devote more time to it, but no pics have been forthcoming.

Neo also polled about religion and the stupidity thereof. The non-stupidity option was winning, last I checked, by about 17 to 10. Which is not surprising. If you know that Limejello exists, then you have no choice but to believe in the existence of her opposite as well. As the Devil exists, so must God.

Thursday the 16th

Haiku for Thursday,
Rebecca's shirt is the bomb,
Baldwin yanks it hard.

Apoth pondered the physics of fat people. Why do they swing their arms? Is it to keep from falling? Is it centrifugal force? Is it a counter balance? I'm not much of an authority. I can afford expensive celebrity glasses that turn black when I'm about to see a fat person.

Peggy posted a thread, soliciting e-secrets about forum users. The secret got out about the marriages of convenience and Mexican e-greencards. Now there's no choice but to build a fence around the internet. I believe Peggy is providing a redemption catalog, where you can redeem your e-secret points for cool merchandise. Like in the Marlboro catalog or with S&H greenstamps. I'm saving up for the compass. The mustache needle points directly at any nearby sorority or college campus.

Ballsack called out Luckee and asked her to post proof of her self inflicted injuries or shut up. She responded by posting a pic of her arm, complete with curler burn. The result was a banner round of Luckee bashing and another thread, which resulting in absolutely nothing new. I'm going to write a prescription for her problem. Shots of fresh beef, 3 times a day, for as long as it takes the condition to clear up. And I can do it, because I'm a doctor. A doctor of love.

THS decided to mount a pedestal, and she gave Rubi a rasher of shit about marrying young. Doctor Mort called her on her projection and pointed out that she was taking her frustration with her friends out on Rubi. Considering almost 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce anyway, I'd have to say it's a bad gamble at any age. It's like betting red/black at roulette. Except, when you win, you just get to keep what you've already got. When you lose, the house takes half your shit, your kids live in the casino, and you only get to see them on holidays.

Kiki posted on the horrid nature of overalls, and despite photographic evidence of the almost supernatural sexiness of some people wearing them, the majority of the forum agreed with her. And, of course, the obligatory “Come on Eileen” reference was made. Twice. Which is the most anyone's thought of Dexy's Midnight Runners in at least a decade.


Friday the 17th

Mack astounded the board with a scientific study of cock prevalence on the forum. It was the most fun had with a chart since Ross Perot ran for president. The only surprise was that Nick came in third. It's obvious that more research is needed, and there if more work to be done, if we're to figure out the cause of this discrepancy.

Keeks hormones have kicked into high gear, and she has now freaked out and fired her lawyer, as well as blasted her plumber. The new plumbers came in and finally installed her faucets. Which made her happy. Just wait until she gets into full on preggo mode. Men won't know whether to stare at her baby boobs or run screaming with their privates protected.

Billybob got his butt banned for posting links to hideous imagery. Chyna's clit/manhood has claimed another good man. He will be missed, but something had to be done. Giving half the forum Post Traumatic Hermaphrodite Syndrome can't be tolerated.

And finally, I got drunk and passed out, so that's pretty much it for this week.

Tune in next week for another edition of Cocktalk with Nick201. We can't let him be wrongfully saddled with the bronze, now can we?

Until then, Aloha, stay safe, drink hearty, and don't put anything in your mouth that's attached to someone you don't know.

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ACTION NEWS TEAM! With DICK BIGMAN!

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