A Tropical Christmas

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It’s been months since I’ve tried to write something. I was working on a novel and was posting its chapters to this site, but due to threats of cyber stalking, I asked Acadia and Evangeline to take all my stuff down. My stories contained enough personal information to make it entirely possible for an unkind and morally bankrupt individual to create a disturbance in my personal and professional lives. While I readily admit to being a fairly staunch conservative politically, I didn’t think I deserved to be crucified for it. So all my stuff’s gone and I guess I have to think up something new and fresh.

Like...

My brother in law is a moron. He is an “automotive journalist.” They fly his lily-white English ass all over the world in first class, put him up in four and five star hotels, and pick up his tab in the best restaurants, all at the behest of one car company or another. He attends press events, auto shows, unveilings and test driving new models, race events and the like. They give out shit to the writers like new iPods, digital cameras, and expensive clothing, and send him on his merry way hoping for a really juicy blow job – pardon me, I meant favorable review.

Upon his return from these junkets, he's eager to regale me with stories of all of the luxuries and favors that were lavished upon him and all of his fellow car whores. Yeah, that’s right – whores. When I inform him that he’s nothing more than a hooker with an interesting accent, he gets very offended and insists that he’s a “journalist,” -- unbiased and professional. “That stuff has nothing to do with the columns and reviews I publish.”

“Oh really???” I exclaim. "Then how come when you wrote that article about the BMW Z3, you didn’t say that it’s a nice sports car if you like a ride that resembles a clown shoe? You know, like you and I were saying before you went off to that Andes rally in June paid for by Bavarian Motor Works?”

And this is just one example. What really galls me is his English superiority and insistence that none of that bribery holds any sway over his writing. Can I refrain from doing the **cough cough**bullshit**cough cough** thing? Couldn't I just do it occasionally to foster family harmony, my wife implores?

Speaking of my wife, let me mention his condescension, especially towards his wife and mine - they are sisters - from Scotland. The English have this bias towards Scots bred into them from birth. It doesn’t matter the topic, their opinions are wrong because they’re Scottish. Ugh! Never mind that I have proven their points to him time after time; he won’t hear of it. Chilean wine can’t possibly be good because he hasn’t heard about it or tried any.

So the holidays are coming up. Did you know that the busiest time in Barbados is Christmas? Yep, it’s because of people who can’t abide being around their family.

Have a nice day, Mon!