Noogies

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What I am about to reveal is yet another fundamental difference between the sexes.

Women don't know this, but men are not that fond of hugging. Oh, the five second “Hi/Bye” hug is okay with us, but what women really want are the minimum twenty-five second “I just want to be held” hugs.

Where men continually get it wrong is in forgeting what women really want. Instead, they give them the little quickie hug - it's over so fast the woman wonders if that was an embrace, or a collision. You see, guys respond to different stimuli – a firm punch in the arm, a solid slap on the back, or heck, even a pretend knee to the crotch, these are the things that guys understand and enjoy. They are endearments, exchanged amongst buddies.

Unfortunately these do not work at all well with women. Give a woman a noogie, whip around and fart, or stick a wet finger in her ear and you might just as well take Mickey Spillane's Kiss Me Deadly to bed, for all of the sex you're about to experience.

Now men, if you are smart (like I am), heed these words, and focus your attention on what women really want. You can still catch the replay of that last goal if you just angle her around a little so that you line up the screen over her left shoulder. With your head next to hers she hasn't a clue where you are looking. She probably thinks you have your eyes closed too, just like she does. Remember though, twenty-five seconds minimum, or she won't consider it a hug.

And ladies, please don't hold this against us. We can't help it. We're men. Our grandmothers and aunts nigh-on suffocated us when we were just boys, and we're scarred for life.

xoxoxoxoxox,
Hotspur