Words Mean Something

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I have wanted to write this for a very long time. I feel a definite kinship to George Carlin; my curmudgeonly manner can take it no longer. The misuse of our language and proliferation of syllables must be stopped. What is meant by the use of the prefix “pre” in so many instances? At the airport: “We will now begin the pre-boarding process.” What the fuck does this mean? Will we board before we board? And process? Why is everything a process? Instead, I wish them to announce, “We will now begin boarding.” Plain, simple, accurate, and four less syllables.

Pre-requirements. Think about it. A pre-requirement to entrance into college is a high school diploma. No. A requirement to entrance into college should be the ability to speak correctly.

Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how police officers report events? They think that the more syllables they use, the more official they sound. “We apprehended the suspected perpetrator of the crime.” This is ridiculous. You caught the criminal; thus leaving more time to listen to sports scores.

Weathercasters will opine, “We will likely see more precipitation during the overnight.” The overnight?!!! What the hell is the overnight? When does it begin and end? I think what they mean to say is, “It might rain tonight.” “It’s going to be partly sunny.” This may seem like splitting hairs but, excuse me, don’t they mean partly cloudy? The whole entire sun is there during the daytime. It is the clouds that will partially block it. Do these people go to school?

Funeral homes tell us, “We offer pre-planning services.” How do you pre-plan something? To plan means that you are going to have a strategy prior to an event. Pre-planning equates to getting ready to plan. Makes no sense whatsoever, but they all do it.

Merge isn’t misused so much as nobody knows what the fuck it means. When you are getting onto the expressway you merge (blend yourself) into the traffic stream. This means you get up to speed and find a spot. It does not mean get her up to forty-five and force me out of the lane because you are too stupid to know how to drive.

You say you are an administrative assistant. I say you are a secretary. You say you are a sales associate. I say you are a sales clerk. You say that you are a custodial worker. I say you are a janitor. Know what I mean?

It bothers me when I hear something top notch described as penultimate. No, it doesn’t mean the best. It means second to last -- like this paragraph, you moron.

“There were myriads of choices.” Myriad is an adjective, it means countless or an infinite number. Therefore, there were myriad choices. Unfortunately, the way you chose to use it is the WRONG choice.