During the course of history, there have been millions of songs written by millions of people. Music is supposed to be the great communicator and, because of this, many many humans have decided to write songs in the hope all of us will hear them and envelop them into our lives like some old friend with a familiar smile.
Some do this very well but most do this very badly.
And because of these people who have failed miserably, I am here to warn you: to caution you, to make sure you avoid the pitfalls and the horrible reality that my ears have experienced. Thus, I’m here to tell you about the worst song ever written.
Yeah, that’s a bold proclamation and I wouldn’t be making this statement if it weren’t one-thousand percent true. Give me a second to catch my breath. Okay then…let’s do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry is the worst song that humanity has ever put on this wretched plane. One band consisting of five guys writing the lamest, Aerosmith-derived riff ever, with bullshit bravado that NO ONE YOU EVER MET has had, topped with the saddest chorus ever recorded.
Buckcherry is a band hailing from Los Angeles, which is not shocking considering the fact they have the DNA and all the crappy trappings of every single bad 1980’s hair metal band. They enjoyed one-hit wonder status in 1999 with the song “Lit Up.” Presumably, that song was only popular because we were young, naive and just couldn’t live on a diet of Limp Bizkit and Korn alone. They broke up, the singer Josh Todd had bit parts in a few B movies and everything was right with the world.
Then, in an act that can only be considered a hate crime, they got back together (well, the singer and one other member did but bands like this are pretty interchangeable) and recorded their new album in fourteen days. On this album is the aforementioned song, “Crazy Bitch.” Their website proclaims the new album’s fourteen day creation as “a throwback to an era in which classic discs like Led Zeppelin I were made in a week with a barely contained rush of inspiration and spontaneity.” This statement is true, but only if Jimmy Page suffered a serious automobile accident rendering him with a massive head injury, leaving him with limited creative energy and forcing him to cover old Chuck Berry songs in lieu of new material.
Anyway, the song in question, “Crazy Bitch,” is about the singer telling a woman that she’s crazy, but she “fucks so good” that he’s got to keep her around, regardless of her mental issues. He is clearly in a quandary; making this decision has to have weighed heavily on him.
But there’s no way that any of it’s true. While one can assume that the band gets groupies (and quite possibly crazy ones) Buckcherry comes off as so invalid that even if they do have crazy backstage “rawk ‘n roll” parties, I can’t even imagine the singer having this conversation with a girl. It is more believable that the singer sleeps with the crazy chick then moves on to another skanky girl in the next town.
So if the song is not true, then why do it? My assumption is that Buckcherry is looking to have the audience relate to the lyrics. Of course, the problem there is that this is dumb guy music, so no one is really looking that deeply into the lyrics anyway. So maybe it’s the musical aspect. The riffs are loud, it’s rockin‘ and there’s a guitar. But the whole thing is completely unoriginal. It’s as if the band listened to a lot of Guns N’ Roses and Aerosmith and didn’t have the ability to make music that doesn’t sound like they’re trying to cover a song from those bands while also avoiding a copyright lawsuit. Chuck Klosterman said it best: “It sounds like the guitarist spent all day learning the songs off of Pump and then gave up the next morning.”
Regardless of these obvious condemnations, it is plainly and painfully true that Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch” is the worst song ever composed. You may have other ideas but I offer up this challenge: put this song up against any song you think is worse. A “shitty song challenge,” if you will. After doing this you will immediately come to the realization that this song is the single lowest point in the history of music.
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