JW vs The Oscars

Hey there, this is JW and i’m about to watch the 2008 Academy Awards and speak on it in real time. For those of you that have never seen this thing (and there’s no way that someone has never seen or even heard about the Oscars), allow me to sum it up:

The Academy Awards, or “Oscars” are a shiny, big time awards ceremony in which the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gives awards for effort in movie and all it entails. It used to have this gigantic reputation because in the past the movies that won awards have gone on to be legendary in reputation. These days though, the show coasts on the past, because the Oscars either nominate films that 80% of the gen-pop doesn’t see, or they stick to nominating the same old actors and never take chances. Regardless, they provide a warm feeling to a lot of people because we are comfortable with thinking that it is a big must see event. So, here’s the Academy Awards, through my eyes.

- Barbara Walters’ Academy Awards interview special is on. Barbara is interviewing Miley Cyrus and would have no idea who she is without being briefed beforehand. Thus, she knows she is young so she asks her why she isn’t pregnant yet like Britney’s kid sis. Barbara also interviews the girl who was in Juno, and asks her why she isn’t on drugs yet. Because in Barbara’s mind the equation is this: young + actor = terminally fucked up.

- F.Y.I., don;t think i’m the only hip kid blogging in real time; Joel Stein is also doing it on Oscar.com!!! A sample:

“More breaking news : Faye Dunaway is still hot. Steve Guttenberg: He has lightened his hair. That's all I have on Steve Guttenberg.” Yeah, this man is getting paid to do this.

- I also want to let you all know that I am fully aware that on other networks, there is red carpet interviewing going on. I am also fully aware that watching some guy or girl on E! doing it = boring. I’m sticking to ABC, because if I recall, Regis~! is doing the red carpet. And Regis doing the red carpet will be better than the rest, because Regis is not only the best host ever, but he also hasn’t been aware of anything related to pop culture since roughly 1985. And even in 1985 he was moreso just pretending to know and care.

- And hey!!! the stars are arriving for a night to remember!! Live in Hollywood, it’s the red carpet show!! And as they go over the movies for best picture, it appears that these are movies that many people have actually seen!

- Regis~! welcomes us. He did the red carpet in 1979, and he is doing it now!

- It’s Regis vs. Clooney first off. Clooney looks sharp, has a girlfriend that is younger than him, he one million dollars, stacked up nicely. Regis already fucks up by saying how George is doing this Red Carpet thing every year, and George says “um, this is only my second time doing this.” Oh Reeege. Philbin counters this by yelling “GEORGE CLOONEY!!! C’MON PEOPLE!!” at the fans some 50 feet behind him.

- By the way, if you’re looking for a fashion report, click the pics tomorrow, cause I mention no one unless they look hot.

- John Travolta is being interviewed by some female co-host. It doesn’t matter what he is saying, but what does matter is that Travolta has so much plastic surgery and fake hair that he looks like when dogs are overly trained; that confused look where you have no idea where you are, but you know you have to look pretty.

- Regis vs. Laura Linney: “you’re an old hat at this (Oscars) huh?” “Well, no...” Strike 2, Reege!

- Regis vs. Miley Cyrus; nothing of note, but I bet that girl gets tired of having to answer the same question: “What a year, huh?!”

- You know, as much as I will mess with Regis, I watch his show every morning, and there is no one alive that is as good at having a meaningless conversation with someone he just met two seconds ago than Regis.

- Well the Red Carpet show is wrapping up, and i’m going to wrap up this section with another Regis compliment; no human being alive is as smart as Regis; he gets paid millions upon millions to work four days a week for one hour with no prep, and I bet he also got paid a lot of money to work for what amounted to 10 minutes here. Regis Philbin - American Hero.

- The Academy Awards is on television right now! Jon Stewart is hosting, which means that it may not be that bad after all!

- We open... with a video package... a comedic one with a lot of CGI of cars and superhero's and actors and famous lines. Because Hollywood, is a world of wonder and imagination~!

- This is the 80th Academy Awards, and here’s Jon Stewart to open the show and welcome us by making some funny jokes about the strike.

- “The Vanity Fair Oscar Party was canceled out of respect for the writers. You know what would be respecting the writers? Inviting them to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party!” - Stewart.

- Stewart makes a good point; the films this year are either psychopathic killers, or pregnant teens. Also, I have seen most of these movies, so I am “with it”.

- As Stewart is roasting the folks in the crowd, I look at body language of the famous people sitting behind the actors being shown. For instance; Tommy Lee Jones is in the second row, and he looks stoic and pissed, which is funny in that he should be lucky to be even let in after doing that movie in which he baby-sat cheerleaders. “This is mah happy faaace!” Don’t remember that line? I STILL DO.

- Did you know that the woman who wrote Juno used to be an exotic dancer? This is apparently a big deal... cause apparently strippers can’t write, or because strippers can’t write a story? I’m confused, but I am now over it.

- As Jon Stewart jokes about Hillary and Obama, the cameras cut to Spike Lee and Wesley Snipes who look ready to film the remake of “Harlem Nights”. Onto the first presenter!

- Jennifer Garner presents best Costume Designer. Oh fuck I forgot we have to wade through this shit before we see the better awards.

Across the Universe vs Atonement vs Elizabeth, the Golden Age vs La Vie en Rose vs Sweeny Todd. Who wins? Elizabeth, the Golden Age! Fucking seriously, no one will ever win this award if they aren’t doing a period piece.

- An old school Oscar moment: Barbara Stresiand talks about her win in what looks like the 15th Oscar ceremony. Cause ya know, she’s old... anyone? nothing?

- While we’re in commercials, allow me to pontificate; if the writer’s strike didn’t happen, the Academy Awards may have been canceled, probably because without writers there would be no show. And while writers are very important on other shows, I bet we’d all have the same amount of fun if the presenters just went out there and announced the nominees without having to do the shitty banter.

- George Clooney is up to speak about how much the Oscars have grown, and all the moments that have happened. The Oscars are unpredictable, and here is a montage to prove it! This is why this shit always runs over. Clips and clips and clips of funny people doing funny things, and making great speeches. This is the largest display of virtual masturbation ever. We get it, you are famous.

- Back to Jon Stewart, who makes the first new media/writers strike joke about watching movies on the i-phone.

- Ann Hathaway and Steve Carrell. They are starring in the remake of Get Smart. They are also here to present an award for animated features. And Steve Carrell just said shit on live TV in the middle of his bit. Best Animated Film: Persepolis vs. Ratatouille vs. Surf’s Up/ Who wins? Ratatouille does. I have heard of one out of those three. The creator has a speech that is long and boring. No one cares about you and your guidance counselor. Thank Disney and wrap it up.

- Katherine Heigel is out and she is nervous. It’s the best makeup award!

La Vie En Rose vs. Norbit (HAHAHAHA) vs. Pirates of the Caribbean. Only three? La Vie En Rose wins. You know it’s funny; I assume Pirates of the Caribbean maybe got nominated for shit like this, and that film made millions of dollars. Oh yeah, by the way, what the hell is La Vie En Rose?

- Ahhh great, all five of the best song nominees are being performed tonight. The first one is from Enchanted. Amy Adams is here to bring sing something that sounds a lot like well... oh fuck, no sugar coating it’s annoying.

- More Oscar moments: the corpse of Michael Douglass and his young wife Catharine Zeta Jones reminisce about awards they won. Here’s some telling trivia: do any of you know what film Zeta Jones won for? I myself have no idea but I figure it was for Traffic. Which says how relevant she is.

- Back from the ads, and Jon Stewart intros The Rock (ooooh now going by Kayne Johnson)... I wish they announced him as the Rock. Best Visual Effects is the award. Hey why is the Rock on the Oscars?

Golden Compass vs. Pirates of the Caribbean vs. Transformers. The Golden Compass wins. Why is it that there are only three nominees? Also, these categories are the Academy’s way of saying “yeah, we know that your movie made millions of dollars and was popular. So here, take your fucking scraps.” Oh yeah, the tech guys give a speech, too. Seriously, The Rock?

- Cate Blanchette is out to present for Art Direction, and we’re blowing through this show quick.

American Gangster vs. Atonement vs. The Golden Compass vs. Sweeny Todd vs. There Will Be Blood. Who wins? Sweeny Todd. Johnny Depp is happy. How is it that “There Will Be Blood” lost this? Johnny Depp’s wife has a large gap in her front teeth. This is neither here nor there, but the speeches are boring so far.

- And we’re ready for Best Supporting Actor. Ahhh the big awards! We go through a clip short of past moments in this category. Many famous people have won this award. Ahhh remember that Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar. Jennifer Hudson is out to do the reading of nominees.

Casey Affleck; Assasination of Jessie James... vs. Javier Bardem; No Country for Old Men vs. Philip Seymour Hoffman; Charlie Wilson’s War vs. Hal Hoiberg; Into the Wild vs. Tom Wilkinson; Michael Clayton This is a tough category - I want Javier Bardem to win. The winner is... Javier Bardem. No Country for Old Men (along with Clayton) was great, and Hoffman is great in any role he plays. Bardem thanks his mom in Spanish, and I really wish he just stuck with that haircut he had in the movie and spoke like the character all the time.

- Stewart said Bardem’s speech was a moment; nah not really. Javier is already back in the crowd. Hey here is a bit if the Oscars went on without writers... “A Salute to Binoculars and Periscopes” “Bad Dreams; an Oscar Salute”. Ahhh yes, because the writers on this show were needed.

- Keri Russell is out to introduce a song from August Rush, which is the second nominated song. I believe August Rush is about Harlem and a choir? I seriously have no idea this movie existed. The song is “Raise it Up” and it is R&B/Gospel; hey whatever, cool.

- Owen Wilson is out - no jokes please. Best Short Film is the award.

Om Natten vs. Il Supplente vs. Le Mozart Des Pickpockets vs. Tanghi Argenteni vs. The Tonto Woman. The winner is... Le Mozart Des Pickpockets. I’ve never heard of any of these, but I semi want to see The Tonto Woman based upon the small clip alone. Also, this soooo deserved to be on the TV part.

- And we cut to Jerry Seinfeld as the Bee... which is great because we all just forgot how annoying that media campaign was. I now hate Jerry because of that campaign. Animated Short Film award:

I Met the Walrus vs. Madam Tulli Pulli vs. Meme le... holy shit that was on the screen too quick to spell vs. Mois... something in French vs. Peter and the Wolf. The winner is Peter and the Wolf, and the people got shitty shitty seats.

- Another film clip, about the Best Supporting Actress award. Also, famous people have won this. The nominees for Best Supporting Actress (presented by Alan Arkin): Cate Blanchette - I’m Not There vs. Ruby Dee - American Gangster vs. Saorse Ronan - Atonement vs. Jamie Ryan - Gone Baby Gone vs. Tilda Swinten - Michael Clayton. The winner is: Tilda Swinton wins; and she has no eyebrows. She’s got moxy and thanks people and also may have been wearing a black toga.

- Sidney Poiter speaks on his win. Jessica Alba and Miley Cyrus are coming up later Seriously, The Rock, Jessica Alba at the Oscars? Will Pauly Shore come out next? Dane Cook? What other odd and not exactly famous in that way people are we gonna see?

- The GMC Acadia? There is a car named after the boss? By proxy wouldn’t he need to own one? At least be given one as common courtesy.

- Jessica Alba is announced as “the always fantastic Jessica Alba. She was asked to host the technical awards held not tonight. She’s reading off awards that were won, it doesn’t matter. Do you think she wanted to host that, or did it to build up some rep?

- Josh Brolin and James Macelvoy come out to... spout off lines from movies. Wow that was cheesy. Best Screen play (from a previously done work - basically rewriting) is Atonement vs. Away From Her vs. Diving Bell and the Butterfly vs. No Country for Old Men vs. There Will Be Blood. The winner is No Country for Old Men... so why is the writer of the book it was based on not up there?

- The President of the Academy of Arts and Sciences is out, and when it is your show, you can go out and say whatever you want. Did you know it is not easy to choose who gets nominated and also keep it a secret? Did you care? I hope you did, because now we’re going to figure out how people pick who is nominated. Step by step even! Cause this couldn’t have been put on the internet.

- Miley Cyrus is out to present the third nominated song, another one from Enchanted called “That’s How You Know.” I guess I should offer a comment on this song. It is... repetitive.

- Dame Judy Dench and Hallie Berry (swerve~ it is Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill) are out to present Best Sound and Editing. Bourne Ultimatum vs. No Country for Old Men vs. Ratatouille vs. There Will Be Blood vs. Transformers. The winner is Bourne Ultimatum. It’s sound... really what can I say?

- Now Hill and Rogan are out there still, still doing that bit and now it is Sound Mixing. Bourne Ultimatum vs. No Country for Old Men vs. Ratatouille vs. 3:10 to Yuma vs. Transformers. Bourne Ultimatum wins, and woah wait; couldn't they have just cut out 3:10 to Yuma, threw in There Will Be Blood and combined the award? 3:10 had good enough sound editing but not good enough sound mixing?

- Best Actress is now up. This show is moving fast; makes me think that the final song will take 25 minutes to do. Read off the nominees, Forrest Whitaker!

Cate Blanchette - Elizabeth and the Golden Age vs. Julie Christie - Away From Her vs. Marian Cotillard - Le Vie En Rose vs. Laura Linney - The Savages vs. Ellen Paige - Juno. Juno is the Little Miss Sunshine of this year. The winner is... Marian Cotillard which I am happy for, cause I had no idea how to spell her name and now it’s on the screen. Was this even in the theaters? She is speechless, happy, broken English = folks laughing at the broken English as she does her speech.

- And hey we come back from the commercials to John Stewart playing the Wii on the big screen. Colin Farrrell is out (In Bruges is seriously way better than it should be) to present the fourth original song. End it already! From the movie Once... “Falling Slowly”. I am three seconds into the song - already bored. It is about a ship going down, I assume. Please drown.

- Jack Nicholson’s out! The Oscar staple. Movies inspire, challenge us, there is a common link. Jack sounds completely and utterly stoned and I have no problem with this. Oh shit, Best Picture already! The nominees are...

hahaha now it wouldn’t be that easy, right? No no, now we’re going to get a montage of EVERY DAMN WINNER in the 80 years of this show.

- Renee Zellwiger is now out to present Film Editing. Nominees are...

Bourne Ultimatum vs. Diving Bell and the Butterfly vs. Into The Wild vs. No Country For Old Men vs. There Will Be Blood. The winner is... Bourne Ultimatum. This movie winning all these awards really says one thing; technically it was good. Creatively... notsogood. -

- “Film Editing. Wow - someone just took the lead in their Oscar pool based on a guess.” - John Stewart.

- Nicole Kidman is out with her new accent~!. Robert Boyle is a great production designer, art director and he is special enough to get a speech made for him. He is also 98 years old, which gets a great hand. I believe that this is the Honorary Oscar award.... hey awesome, smoke break time!

- And i’m back as Boyle shuffles out there to pick up his award. 98 years old, people! almost a century! when he was 10 years old... there wasn’t even an Oscar to give out. It was a nice speech... I will sum it up; I thank a lot of people, some people who gave me a break - thanks. Film is good. He also called Hitchcock “The Hitch.”

- And we’re back, with Jon Stewart announcing Penelope Cruz to present the Best Foreign Language Film. Oh no... spelling errors a plenty. Here goes:

Beaufort vs. The Counterfeiters vs. Katyn vs. Mongol vs. 12 (awww this is easier than I thought). The winner is... The Counterfeiters (and this is the spelling they used). There is no need for the winner to go on this long. The Counterfeiters is about Nazis, just so ya know.

- Patrick Dempsy is out now to introduce the final nominated song, also from Enchanted. So really Enchanted is winning this award. I also am never seeing this movie based on hearing these songs.

- You know I have just came upon a theory... This now is so long that I bet the amount of people who dropped out of this by now is on a smaller scale the relative level of people who dropped out of watching this show.

- John Travolta’s here! Trained dog look, remember this when you see him. And we are finally going to see the Best Song being named.

Enchanted vs. Enchanted vs. Once vs. August Rush vs. Enchanted. Oscar goes to... hahaha not Enchanted, but Once. The falling off the boat song wins!

- There is 1/2 an hour left in this show. There has to be more content beyond Best Picture - Oscar shows never finish on time.

- Jon Stewart is so enamored with the performers of the falling off boat song from Once. He brings out the girl who sang it for more speech time. It was not worth bringing her out.

- Cameron Diaz is out for Best Cinematography, proving that there is a plenty of obscure awards to be given out.

Assasination of Jesse James... vs. Atonement vs. Diving Bell and the Butterfly vs. No Country For Old Men vs. There Will Be Blood. The winner is.... There Will Be Blood.

- And now Hillary Swank is out for our obligatory “Let’s Pour One Out For Our Fallen Homies” segment of the show. Cue the sad music! It took about 80% of that list before I recognized someone, that someone being Susan Pleshette  . They of course, end on Heath Ledger. Moment of silence, and we go to commercial... for THE GMC ACADIA! Welcome to Acadia! The crossover.

- Amy Adams brings us back, possibly pissed that she lost the best song. She is mentioning original scores for music. We get it, composers who create scores are cool. Best Original Score:

Atonement vs. Kite Runner vs. Michael Clayton vs. Ratatouille vs. 3:10 To Yuma. The winner is... Atonement, and when his name was read someone in the back of the building let out a bloodcurdling shreak which either means they’re happy or someone just got stabbed.

- Tom Hanks is out now to speak about how some people are fighting in a war, and are unable to watch the famous people get trophies. Live remote from some soldiers to present Best Documentary, Short Subject:

Freehoe vs. La Corona vs. Sellaing Baba (sp?) vs. Seri’s Mother. The winner is: Freehoe. Freehoe has to sit on the back aisle, because well... look at the category. And from their speeches these two ladies are by proxy the most real and honest folks there. I am now happy that these great people won.

- Back to Tom for Best Documentary Feature:

No End In Sight vs. Operation Homecoming vs. Sicko vs. Taxi to the Dark Side vs. WarDance. Taxi to the Dark Side wins it... hey how many people had the chance to see any of these movies beyond Sicko? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

- Original Screenplay, Lead Actor and Best Picture are next, and seriously.... I really don’t blame you for leaving. Cause this show has been insanely boring. Feel free; how can I hate ya - you’ve stuck with me this far. Go check out other things on the site. Celebrity tongues. Famous women. Famous men. Other writers. I believe that the game where you have to keep the square away from the sides of the black box and the moving pieces is somewhere around here. Go ahead, I won’t be mad.

- There is now a Mercedes ad on now, but I only shill.... THE GMC ACADIA~!

- We’re back and even Jon Stewart is bored. Harrison Ford is out and this better be an award he will present. Thank god, it is. Best Original Screenplay:

Juno vs. Lars and the Real Girl vs. Michael Clayton vs. Ratatouille vs. Savages. The winner is.... Juno! The stripper wins!!! Strippers everywhere, unite, because you now finally have a legit excuse to get off the pole! And no one can tell you otherwise. Today is a victory for anyone who wore or wears pumps with clear heels.

- We’re over time... and we are also rushing to Best Actor. Helen Miran is out... let’s get to the point. Of course though, Helen has to fucking act her way through the spiel. Best Actor:

George Clooney - Michael Clayton vs. Daniel Day Lewis - There Will be Blood vs. Johnny Depp - Sweeny Todd vs. Tommy Lee Jones - In the Valley of Ella vs. Viggo Mortensen - Eastern Promises. The winner is... Daniel Day Lewis, because as good as he probably was, the Academy loves to give that man awards when they can’t decide who else to give it to. Michael Clayton is shut out so far, F.Y.I. As we go to yet another commercial, we are all informed that Daniel Day Lewis has given his kids terrible names Cashel? What the hell is that? Also, I am now at the point of madness, and I regret saying “hey... for you Acadia... I will recap the Oscars.” This show will never end.

- Back again... there better be no more ads left. Best Director montage is now up; fucking ditch the montages’ just because no one at the show has to get up tomorrow doesn’t mean that I don’t have to.

- Martin Scorcese is out to present Best Director.

Diving Bell and the Butterfly vs. Juno vs. Michael Clayton vs. No Country for Old Men vs. There Will be Blood. The winner is... The Cohen's for No Country for Old Men. There was a lot of talent on display there. Also, Michael Clayton is one award away from being shut out. And I don’t see them winning Best Picture. Betting time - I am picking No Country for Old Men for best movie.

- Denzel Washington is out... this better be the end. Best Picture:

Atonement vs. Juno vs. Michael Clayton vs. No Country For Old Men vs. There Will be Blood. The winner...... is No Country For Old Men, just like JW predicted. The Cohen’s come out again... they have nothing left to say. Michael Clayton = 0. And I liked that movie.

On this note, the Oscars are over, and I have a frightening feeling that no one alive right now is actually reading these words. Thank you, goodnight.