Riff 4

Tyrone Biggums is a Crazy Bitch

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I guess I should be glad he doesn’t have a post count like MrHouse, because a full ninety percent of Tyrone’s submissions read like a retarded complaint form. He once called me a little bitch and I laughed at the irony. He urged me to write a Riff about him then yelled at me every chance he got because I didn’t ask, “How high?” when he said, “Jump.” I don’t take kindly to being badgered and yelled at, so I guess the only reason I’m writing this is to tell him how lame he has become. I’d hate to think that he gets what he wants every time he whines like a little kid in the toy aisle at Wal-Mart. I can just picture him crying, snot and tears flowing down his dirty face as he clutches his ratty teddy bear that he won’t let anyone else touch because it is his best friend in the whole wide world.

He says, “How come I can’t get the Steve Austin action figure?”

His momma says “Because little boys shouldn’t play with dolls.”

“Whaaah! That’s not fair!” Tyrone cries.

Smack! Backhand!

If it were just that easy… 
 
 
I laughed. 

Maybe it is just my delusions, but I recall a time when Tyrone was actually funny. Back in the early days of the forum he had the best shtick, he made me laugh many times with his silly, odd, and well-timed smilies and pictures. I don’t know if anyone else thought he was funny, but I thought he stood out in the group of trolls whose singular purpose is to make themselves laugh. I noticed his posts, but never talked to him because to be honest, he was pretty scary. I guess watching the Dave Chappelle show had me worried that he would try to steal my wallet or my pants. He posted only sporadically for a while and then he left, because I guess he’s a student of some sort. (Wouldn’t it be funny if he were studying to be a newscaster? They could give him his own show on MSNBC.)

Anyways, he came back with a vengeance around the end of last year, before Christmas. I was excited because the other trolls had grown stale and the Big Man wasn’t around as much as he used to be. The stage was set and Tyrone was ready to go on. 
 
Question Authority 
As he eased himself back into regular posting, his MO was complaining that no one understood him, (because he is such a complex human being I guess). Soon enough though, he settled into the Tyrone we all know and love: The Bitch.

He started by picking on individual posters like Tom “Shit” and more recently Mistress House, but he really found his stride when he realized that the Mods were the best target for his grumblings. He has become some sort of freedom fighter in defense of the common (and sometimes uncommon) posters that touch his fancy. He yells and shouts and pushes it as far as he can without actually including any ban worthy offences. Which makes him a pussy, because he doesn’t think that anyone should be banned for anything. That is quite like a credo for him, because it was when Halcyon was banned Tyrone became a superstar on the forums.

He started one of a few threads designed to petition for the return of Neo and didn’t stop for months. Over and over he bitched that life wasn’t fair and that the Mods play favorites. This was very exciting because he began to draw a crowd. It got to the point that we were all waiting for Tyrone’s next thread in which he would bash the Moderators for upholding the rules, which were plainly posted. The angry mob would alternate between yeas and nays depending on the target. Most of us just played along for the lolz, but it should be noted that he was the only show in town at this point. There was very little competition in the way of trolls. We were all waiting for Neo to return or Justin to gain his form again.

I may be wrong, but wasn’t it Tyrone that coined the phrase “Team Neo”? Even if he didn’t, he sure seems to use it a lot. Sounds kind of gay to me. And while we are on the subject, how come he always spells “bye” as “bi”? Not that I am questioning Tyrone’s sexuality, because we all know he loves the loose women as the evidence is his subscription to the bawdry and totally classless website BangBros.com. But once again I digress. 

So he calls out the administration of the forums on almost a daily basis, even using awful and degrading language to describe our beloved Yogurty Pie. She recently responded by putting him in a corner for a spell. (Thanks Mort and KiKi). I for one, am not laughing very much any more; at least not with him. AOL Tyrone? 
 
The Other Side 
 
Not that all is lost with Tyrone. Anyone who follows his act knows that his accent slips from time to time revealing a man beneath the mask. And with the last season of Chappelle long behind us, maybe the joke has run its course and it is time for something new. There have been some major changes in his persona lately, like breaking off his alliance with Team Neo (was he the only member?), and publicly showing love for one of his favorite targets, Ravioli. He has also shown himself to be a trustworthy friend, especially to Michael. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a regular dupe that we all love, perhaps someone pleasant and intellectual?

Hey, it could be true. 

He still comes across as some kind of Internet guerilla, asking the questions that are on all of our minds but we don’t care enough to ask. Fighting injustices for the sake of the downtrodden Superficial poster and calling out the easy targets for the hell of it.

But mostly, he just whines. 

Maybe his momma should have bought him that doll…