Riff 3

Jethro Wants to Buy a Computer

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I don't know if you knew this or not, but I haven't had a computer at home for more than 100 days. My son has been plotting my death for at least ninety of those. It is amazing how attached people are to their technology, and how grumpy they can get when they can't log on to Runescape. Of course, I could go to work and get on the Internet which made him a bit resentful, and rightfully so, I have since acquiesced.  I knew I had to buy a machine for my cubby hole back home, and soon, or I would be sleeping the long dirt nap in the back yard sure as I know that e-rep is tearing us all apart. I contemplated going the Apple route, and even asked my fellow forum members to sell me on the Mac, which some were almost successful, until my wife told me that I wasn't spending that much money on a computer just so I could get on the forum to flirt with young girls. I meekly said “yes, dear” and started looking in the daily fliers from Best Buy and Circuit City.

Last year I bought a new machine for work at Circuit City. It is a Compaq, and has all I really need considering I only use it to talk to you fools and draw up my weekly specials. I had an E Machine before that, and I always felt I got what I paid for, and then it died because it was a piece of shit. (One of my friends told me that the most common problem with computers is a loose nut on the keyboard, and I have learned to trust that.)

So anyways, I found a similar Compaq at Circuit City and it was in the range of what I was allowed to pay, so I planned a trip into the jaws of the retail monster we call South Portland. It was a Thursday and I took the day off of work, I had a wonderful morning walking around the Old Port and meeting my daughter and her class at the Museum. I viewed an amazing Francisco Goya exhibit that frightened and astonished me before heading off to a lunch of a chicken burrito and a root beer. My plan was to go to Circuit City and buy this advertised computer and be home to set it up before three pm.

Circuit City

Bear with me here: I walk into the store, head straight over to the computers, see the machine I want to purchase, then look to my left to see three associates salivating at the possible commission they see before them. I point to one young man and said, “I want to buy this computer”.

“Sure” he says, and ushers me to the register. I am excited now; I'll be out of here in ten minutes. Famous last words. I give him my DEBIT card, which he swipes, and waits for the printout. But the printer is not working. So he calls over one of the other associates, and they proceed to bounce around the thing, jumping up and down, pummeling it with their fists as they screech and growl and scratch themselves. After a couple minutes of this, he directs me to the front desk where he claims they can print my receipt from the main terminal. He leads me to a smiling young woman who promptly produces the receipt. I sign it, and she informs me that my box will be coming from the back room directly. I smile and wonder why I was worried, I'll be out of here in twenty minutes.

Five minutes later, she notices that I am still milling about, and asks this long pony-tailed greasy looking guy to check on my purchase. He disappears into the back room only to return empty handed a few minutes later asking to see my receipt. I grumble as I produce it and notice that I am feeling the same angst I usually feel in the waiting room of my dentist. I tell myself that soon I will be surfing the net and reading jeremy's attempts at humor. I notice him come out again with only my receipt in his hand, and he motions for the kid who originally wrote up the bill of sale, so I move closer but yet they are behind the counter as I tilt my ear towards their conversation. It was evident that they no longer had this machine in stock, and their attempts to sell me a comparable model would take much more salesmanship than these two had combined. The next model up had almost the exact same hardware plus free Norton Internet Security for almost $150.00 more!

I declined.

I placed myself before the no longer smiling young lady and asked that this transaction be taken off of my card so I may take my business elsewhere. She performed this with alacrity and I was on my way out the door one hour into my visit to Circuit City.

Best Buy

Best Buy is just down the road and I figured I could find the same Compaq there, and I was sure it would only be a bit more money because I remember the sales flyer. I entered Best Buy and cased the computer aisle until I found the machine I wanted. But there were no associates available to help me, so I hunted down a couple that were obviously shirking their duties as they flirted and joked and stared into each other's eyes. I said “hey! I want to buy a fucking computer! Can you ring me up?”

“Sure” she says, and ushers me to the register.

She pulled the computer from the shelf and laid it before me as I handed her my card.

“Ha!” I laughed aloud. I'll be out of here in ten minutes.

But wait:

My card says I have reached my daily limit!

The Fuckers-Who-Do-Not-Know-Their -Stock at Circuit City still has my money!

Ooooh! I want to hurt something!

Ok. Calm down. Breathe.

In…

Out…

In…

Out…

Whew.

So I call my bank and they inform me that, sure enough, my money has not been returned.

Get this, the woman at Circuit City tells me that my account will be credited in 72 hours to a week! I ask politely if I can speak to someone else, and they make me wait five minutes until a guy shows up and gushes about how sorry he is and tells me that when they settle their machines that night, my credit should be retuned. This made sense to me, because I have credit card machines myself; and by now I was tired of being angry. So I said, “I hope so, because I am not rich like Ballsack, and I need that money”. He just looked at me funny and I went on my way.

I drove home a broken man. Hurt and dejected, there is no place in society for a loser such as me.

It took them 48 hours to credit my account.