Fuck You, Too

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I'm that woman you hate. You know that one standing in line at the grocery store who gives in to her toddler screaming for smarties? Yeah, that's me. You know the one you look directly at and say, "If that were my child, I'd just take her home?" Yup, still me. You know the woman that when you see her at the park you say, "Oh dear, are you sick?" And when she replies, "Uh, no. Why?" You fumble your words looking for the nicest possible way to say she looks like shit. Again, me. You know that woman who laughs when her toddler says, "That guy's feakin atarded" while everyone around her looks at her like the worst parent ever? Guess who? That's right, still me.

Well guess what, assholes? Once upon a time, I didn't have kids either. I had tons of disposable income and plenty of sleep. I had time to iron my skirt and drink a cup of coffee without spilling half of it down my shirt. I could hold an intelligent conversation about something other than potty training and sleep schedules. My boobs used to be strictly for show and once sat proudly high on my chest. I used to believe in democracy and equal rights, but now I am the benevolent dictator of a small country, population 5. And what I say goes.

Last night, my husband and I watched Band of Brothers and we locked eyes across the room and both thought, "Lucky bastards, no kids." We couldn't say it out loud for fear of waking the two year old hellbeast sleeping between us. Basking in the serenity of bullets whizzing through the surround sound and land mines exploding, I remembered a simpler time. A time when the only vomit I had to clean up was my own and, as I looked down at the sleeping monster beside me, I knew that I wouldn't have it any other way. You see, I was once just like you. I judged parents harshly and chuckled at my disheveled coworker who smelled faintly of spoiled milk and had rice cereal/puke stains on her shirt. I had no idea the pure unadulterated joy of familial chaos. But I get it now.

To my sisters in sweats, I am so sorry I once looked down at you. I had no idea what you were dealing with. And to the cows looking down upon me now, fuck you. Your time will come. And when it does, I'll be the one feeding my crying kids chocolate in the check out line at the grocery store. And I will be laughing at you.