No Offence, but Fuck You

Back to Vagianta's Home Page

Recently, a robust woman in workout gear mentioned that my toddler was dreadfully behaved. She tacked on, "but no offence, right?" None taken, you mammoth. I didn't know they made spandex in that size. They really shouldn't, but hey, no offence, right? Yeah. What's with women who presume that following a hateful or spiteful remark with "no offence" is perfectly acceptable behavior? This doesn't work with men. Hey buddy, is that your sister? I'd totally hit that, but hey, no off..." Excuse me, we interrupt this sentence with a punch in the face.

In my dual role as wife and mother, I deal with people I loathe on a daily basis: friends of my husband, other parents and, my all time favourite, coaches. I grin as they make snide comments while my mother's voice echoes through my head, "Be the better person, turn the other cheek." Not only am I diminutive in stature but I am also blessed with a high pitched voice. It's not comically high, but high enough to forever be deemed cute. This means that even if I unleash a fury of hastily thought out zingers, the effect will be more She's-so-cute-when-she's-grumpy than I'll-never-talk-to-her-again. This is why I bought a bat.

When purchasing a vengeance related instrument, there are several important factors to consider. First, is this something you want to carry with you at all times or is this a special occasion? Quality is key if you've got a laundry list of names who need one or more windows broken. If this is a one time act of destruction, consider a more holistic and natural approach like a rock or a really big stick. Second, set a budget and stick with it. The skanky waitress who slipped your husband her phone number isn't worth risking an assault charge. I recommend, budget permitting, you consider investing in a pro for this circumstance. Chances are swell that you're not the only one who'd like to slap her teeth down her throat; discreetly talk to your friends. Maybe you could all chip in a few bucks to ensure that the situation is remedied swiftly. A group effort is a great idea for the thrifty vindictive girl. Third, factor in the time required. Sometimes, concocting a simple revenge plot is all I have time for. Exacting the scheme takes time and money that are usually better spent elsewhere, so I take satisfaction from having just planned it out. I am hoping that one day I will have the resources to be successfully vindictive but, in the meantime, I have a mighty fine bat and a kid with a hella good swing who is still protected under the young offenders act. Happy plotting.