Author Archive
Last year I almost managed to bring home approximately one hundred and twenty five pounds of Candy. Unfortunately for me she wised up at the last minute. Your average kid brings home three to five pounds of candy from trick-or-treat and while it might not be a bleached blonde waitress the stuff is still pretty good. Think of it as a matter of saving the economy. Americans will spend $9 BILLION dollars on Halloween which averages out to about twenty bucks per person. It’s practically your patriotic duty to be one of the households upgrading from fun size bars to full sized sized candy bars.
Let’s face it Halloween is just one of the stranger holidays. When else can you dress up your baby as a lobster and lug her around in a cooking pot and have everyone say how cute it is? That alone is just way weirder than putting sexy in front of everything and imagining it as a costume like Acadia does. We all participate enthusiastically in Halloween yet most of us have no idea about the weave of spirituality, death and hidden meanings behind our Halloween traditions.
“I have one piece of advice for you
No matter what a stripper tells you
There’s no sex in the Champagne Room.. NONE!” -Chris Rock
There is no abduction in the movie Abduction. Sure Taylor Lautner is pretty and he can turn into a werewolf but those obligatory shirtless scenes and blinding white teeth are only going to appeal to team Jacob. The rest are going to be asking why we paid to go see this movie. The only way Abduction is going to become a wild success is if it becomes one of those campy cult favorites where the audience throws rice and laughs at all the unintentional jokes.
One hundred and six minutes of Taylor Lautner looking constipated. Or maybe that’s trying to act. It’s hard to tell in this one. Even in the big punch up on a train Taylor barely manages a few accidental dramatic moments. It’s more like the football team just got caught at a kegger not a life and death fight that results in a man getting chucked out the window. It’s not all Taylor, Lily Collins has not a single bit of spark with her hot body co-star and none of the other big names that pinball in and out are used as more than momentary eye candy.
Jake La Motta: She says he’s Pretty
Joey LaMotta: Yeah, well you make him ugly.
In 1980 I went to see Raging Bull. A woman walked out of the theater during the Janiro fight scene. It wasn’t even the most brutal fight in the movie but it was bad enough. Have we become so jaded that what Raging Bull was is now a cliché ridden blood opera for guys in the movie Warrior? There’s no real point here. No Jake LaMotta standing up to a brutal beating. It’s a cage match where the point is the brutal beating. It’s the Circus Maximus for 2011.
Racked with chills bad enough to break teeth, throwing up and a fever of one hundred three…
Wait that’s me in reality not the movies. I haven’t had a single peanut from Hong Kong and even though I think I’d risk being contagious with Gwyneth Paltrow in a sordid layover in Chicago she has not once shouted “Do me Joe” anywhere I can hear. She was pretty hot in that kissing scene in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Acadia I also promise I’m not Patient Zero in the welcome apes scenario either so you can stop worrying about that.
Contagion is supposed to scare the hell out of you in an entertaining and informative way. There’s something that just reeks of experts wanting to keep their jobs in that statement. These are the ones that tell us a virus will leap the barrier from animal to human in some icky non American place like China, Africa or Great Britian (Moo, Moo, I’m a mad cow Moo) where they have no hygiene. Wonderful clean people with a munificent government and the best health care system in the world will fly over to these bad foreign places and then fly home again on our wonderful Jet aircraft with these germs (“It gets on airplanes. It flies at five hundred miles an hour”) then bang it’s all over except for the fighting over which type of animal gets to take our place.
All of the writing staff here at Superficial Gallery are dedicated to their work.
A friend of mine asked recently: “When did you get so disorganized?” I don’t know. If I was organized I’d have made a note of the date and put it in a file that had been carefully labeled with various colored pens. Then I’d do the Sunday Times crossword in ink and pigs would fly. Truth is I remember my own birthday because it’s on a major holiday. If you weren’t born on Christmas or not on that select list of women who are inclined to get naked with me on their birthday I’m likely to forget yours too.
Anyway Cornmeal recently reminded me we’ve been writing here at Superficial Gallery for a year now. I suspect he’s one of those organized guys with colored pens and a file cabinet. He’s also funny and one of the best things about coming here. Superficial Gallery is like Playboy: You check out the cute girls, see what funny stuff has been posted, make sure you’re updated on TV and the Southern Fried Vampires then if you have time you read the articles. I’m the guy who writes those. Sometimes people actually read them. I write some movie reviews too. Nobody reads those which means eventually I’ll be a top rated critic and on Rotten Tomatoes telling the world what movies to watch. It won’t change much, the press pass Acadia gave me will still be drawn in green crayon.