I'm still a sexy vixen. Look! I'm licking a whip and wearing plastic.

I snagged this pic thanks to Loolpooq at The Tongue Show and it’s a pretty good one of her.  I’m just curious the circumstances surrounding the taking of it.  I have no idea if this is from a photo shoot for a…uhhh…Japanese sex toy store or a random tackle and feed company or what.

My best guess is she has noticed no one is interested in her any longer.  She got married, made her already-long name longer, spent an entire season looking fat and frumpy and Desperate Housewives is in the shitter.  Yeah, I’m pissed they killed off Edie.  She was my fave.  The show will suck without Edie and I will be pissed if she makes appearances from “beyond the grave.”

At any rate, I’m thinking she felt she had to up the ante a bit and try to remind us she is still a curvy, naughty girl who can cram herself into unforgiving fabrics.

I have this weird thing I do when I watch Dave and Conan.  When the guests come out, sit and cross their legs, I always look at the bottoms of their shoes.  For some reason, I am fascinated to see who is wearing brand spanking new shoes and who is wearing scuffed older ones.  In my informal and unscientific research, I have found that the bigger and more established the celeb, the more likely they are to have scuffed soles.  Random nobodies, new to the scene starlets and Paris Hilton tend to have pristine soles.*

I gathered up 50 some new pictures of Megan Fox and was shocked by the one up top.  She isn’t famous enough to wear scuffed shoes and for a photo shoot especially.  She skewed my data!  I always thought of her as Angelina Lite but that vibe isn’t coming through this set.  Hmm.  This is all disjointed and stupid.  I have new tongue pix, too.  Vote then look at all her albums.

Megan Fox

Megan Fox Tongue

Megan Fox (Mostly) Topless

*Their souls are another story altogether.

From my perch high above the earth, I observe the actions of you mere humans. And this week I was lucky enough to see people making fun of fat Jessica Simpson. Then there were a bunch of do-gooders (like her not-fat sister) who jumped to her defense and how DARE we treat her that way?

I will tell you how we dare:   Jessica has made a career on being a piece of meat. And nobody wants to pay for prime rib and get served a fat piece of gristly beef and charged the same amount. Look at that picture up there. Do you think she was thinking about how she was “just a human being with regular problems” when they took that shot?  Oh nooo she wasn’t.  What she probably thought was, “I am a blonde with big titties and a nice ass and long legs who can sort of maybe sing and somewhat act (not really) and lots of guys are gonna whack off in their pants when they see me and that will make them buy the various shit I am selling.”

Her job is to have big tits, a nice ass and long legs.  Her job was to not be fat.  Her job was to make people want to whack off to her.  How do I know this?  Beause there are plenty of celebs who were fat to begin with and nobody cared.  Dear Jessica does not fit in that category.  She fits in the “cover my lack of talent with porkability” category.  You can find the Pussycat Dolls and umm, I don’t know, Pamela Anderson and maybe Rhea Perlman in that category too.

So the next time you hear someone bitching about the treatment poor porky Jessica is getting, remind them that if you were a millionaire whose job consisted of being skinny and singing songs other people wrote, you could probably stay on top of it.

Then find old pics of Jessica and whack off.  We have plenty for you.

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Tongue

She has creepy big eyes and an incredibly varied resume; it runs the gamut from respectable roles to some purely embarrassing shit.  She also wants to be a recording artist with some synth-pop crap due out this year.  She covered Queen’s “Somebody to Love” which is  reason enough for me to despise her.  But the good news is, you don’t have to listen to her butchering classics when you check out her album of 219 pictures.

Brittany Murphy

Brittany Murphy Tongue

We all know that Hayden Pantonesomething from Heroes is the champion tongue sticker outer.  But it seems like the skinny chick from 90210 (wait, they are all skinny, right? -well whatever) is trying to take over the top spot.  Maybe she grew up in a house that only had KISS records.  Maybe she learned how to pose for pictures by watching shows on VH1.  Whatever the cause, Shanae needs to learn something specific if she wants to knock Hayden off her perch.  Hayden licks things.  Like statues’ butts.  So until you put the tongue ON something (like maybe an Ice Cream Cone, Miss Skinny) then you will never be the queen.

But whatever – go look at Shanae Grimes Tongue Pics

EDIT:  She needs to get some Nair.

Wow