Big Dating Game Kiss!

Marissa Miller was at the something casino in Vegas wearing a short dress.  It sort of looks like chain mail to me which should be a detriment but it actually works.  I think she is in the Heidi Klum category where she can wear anything and make it look good.  Hefty bags?  Yup, these ladies can pull it off.  Bed sheets?  No problem.  Pull a Scarlett with the drapes, fuck yeah.

She also has the rare gift to present herself as a “normal” person.  She’s gorgeous, absolutely.  But she still appears approachable.  Angelina, conversely, is otherworldly, remote, inaccessible.  I can see Marissa taking out her trash or wiping the counters after spilling coffee.  She’d look awesome doing it, but I can imagine her actually doing menial things like that.  And then she’d take off in some outrageous convertible to go surfing and Consuela mops her floors and scrubs her toilets while she’s out.

Marisa Miller

She's aiming for that Jack Handy expression....

Last month’s cover was better but you could shroud that man in pig shit and I’d still lick him head to toe.  June’s VF kept me entertained for most of the flight to Jamaica; the article about the Acropolis Museum was fascinating and shame on those Brits!  That all said, this cover is waaay funnier.  “Jessica Simpson Pulls off the ‘Mom Jeans’ and Fights Back!”  That is the best awfulest headline I have read in a long time.

Say what you will about Graydon Carter, the man puts together one hell of a magazine.  But I can’t forgive him for approving that headline.  It’s really more People than VF.

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Tongue

Look how my hair can go!

UPDATE! These pix aren’t new (May 2008) but they are new to me so whatever.  They are NSFW topless pix of MF and, beyond the joy of candid topless photos, she has major middle chunk.  I know this chick doesn’t have that much in the way of flabby middles so I am blaming the cut and ride of the boy shorts.  Still, it should make us non-celeb chicks feel better about ourselves.  EVEN MEGAN FOX CAN CREATE THE APPEARANCE OF MUFFIN TOP! And the guys and lesbians will like the boobs.  So it is win-win, regardless your orientation.  I’m linking to Tyler Durden’s HQ gallery since I’m not gonna put these in my Celeb Pix Gallery.  Thanks, Tyler.  We love you like we love sunshine and sandwiches.

It’s almost like she’s a narcissist or something.  These pictures are much more flattering than the last set so she’s back to being Angelina Lite.  She may not like the comparison and while I agree she is nowhere near Angelina’s league, it’s hard not to see her as grasping for the second runner-up spot.

12►

They need to be grabbed, dammit!

Poor Jessica has had a rough time of it lately what with ballooning up, being called bad luck for her boyfriend’s sporting stuff and being relegated to performing at BBQ cook-offs.  I am starting to wonder if she was a fifteen minutes sort of celebrity and her time ended a a couple of hours ago.  Sad to think her high point was whining at her man-boy husband on a reality TV show that she really did need $4000 worth of undies.

Based on these pictures and the wonderfulness that is internet celeb gossip, she has starved and sweated some of the weight off but it may be too late for a comeback.  I’m not sure what there is for her to come back to.  I’ve always thought she has a very pretty face but I’m disconcerted by the world map of veins on her tits.  Why are they so vein-y?  I wonder if that dress is too tight, shoving them to the point of bursting blood vessels.  I’m worried about the health and longevity of her implants.  I’m a loving girl, concerned about air-headed has-beens.  I’m not sure she can afford to replace them.

So something something movie premiere. Something something Heather Graham is as good an actress as anyone so let her be in a movie. What I want to know is why women can get away with walking around anywhere they want with their chest boners while I get kicked out of Panera for wearing sweat pants and thinking about hot archer chicks.

Screw you, Panera. Also – look at our fancy new picture thing!

Heather Graham

Heather Graham Tongue

Look off into the distance, Kim...pretend you're all alone with the football. Yes, like that.

Kim Kardashian hired a photographer to pretend he surprised her on the beach where she was casually playing catch with a football.  Because, really, she is an easy-going, low-maintenance girl who loves the simple things life has to offer.  How do we know this is staged?  Well, there aren’t any shots of her mammoth ass and only a paid pap would avoid a chance to document its proportions, especially in a bikini.  Plus, I’m the only other person I know who would wear make-up to the beach.  But at least I don’t try to play like I’m low-maintenance.

To be fair, I’ve only ever seen her sex tape.  For all I know, her reality show is all about fund raising millions of dollars for birds with emotional distress causing them to pluck their own feathers.

That said, her sex tape made me feel embarrassed for her.  I felt it my duty as a female to take on the embarrassment that she hasn’t the sense to feel.

Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian Tongue