Archive for the ‘Email Forwards’ Category
Since this joke is Pro-Republican, you get Monica Crowley in a lake!
A Short Spelling Lesson
The last four letters in American………I Can
The last four letters in Republican…….I Can
The last four letters in Democrats……..Rats
End of Lesson!
No need to thank me, I am just helping you expand your education.
So I got this email that had the pics from the 1920’s that you see below. It got me thinking about how many of those people in the pictures were douche bags. I’m sure that people were probably even dickier back then than they are now cause they had to worry about things we don’t need to worry about. Like not having TV but having polio. And back then the only way you could avoid getting VD was to wrap your genitals in your sister’s sock before you went to town. Also, back then you had to ‘go to town’. Find the pic down there that has the three dudes in the truck. You can bet they had their genitals wrapped in their sisters’ socks.
Hey, you got any socks you can lend me? My sister doesn’t have any feet. :(
Email Forwards Lie! LIE!
- “Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and “lollipop”is the longest word typed with your right hand? (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn’t you?)
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
- “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”. (Are you doubting this?)
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
- The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you’re going to try this out for accuracy, right?
- The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to “do” this one.)
- There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- A snail can sleep for three years.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
- If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
- The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
- There are more chickens than people in the world.
- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
- Bonus!! All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!
Now you know (a little) more than you did before!!
Since you can’t go to the bank or the post office today, sit back and giggle at these stupid Presidential jokes!
Q: What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
A: Ape Lincoln!
Q: Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?
A: He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the sixteenth president with a famous slugger?
A: Babe Lincoln!
Q: Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?
A: After a while, he took it for Grant-ed!
Teacher: “John, do you know Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address?”
Student: “No, Miss Frump. I thought he lived in Washington!”
Q: Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?
A: To keep his head warm!
Q: What US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?
A: Abraham Stincoln!
Q: Why was Abraham Lincoln barn in a log cabin?
A: Because it was too cold to be born outside!
Q: Why is Abraham Lincoln like a bloodhound tracking someone?
A: They’re both on the (s)cent!
Q: Why did they call Lincoln “Honest Abe”?
A: Because that’s what it said on all his campaign buttons.
Q: Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
A: Because he couldn’t lie.
Q: What do you call George Washington’s false teeth?
A: Presidentures!
Q: What would you get if you crossed the first US president with an animated character?
A: George Washingtoon!
Q: Was General Washington a handsome man?
A: Yes, he was George-eous!
Q: How did George Washington speak to his army?
A: In general terms!
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’
‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.
‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.
‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’
And Melissa replied:
