Johnny Depp was awarded Sexiest Man Alive for the second time by People magazine.  If I were in charge, he would have been named that every year for the last…twenty?  And for the next twenty, natch.  I predict he,  Robert Downey, Jr. and Leonardo DiCaprio will be remembered as this generation’s greatest actors.  Of that group of impressive thespians (they really do become the character!), only dear darling Johnny is beautiful, strong, delicate, weird and brilliant.  Not many guys can wear eyeliner and facial hair* and still come off manly as hell.  His conversational range, his grasp of topics and his insight and comprehension leave me breathless.  He hangs out with people who can keep up with him (Hunter S. Thompson for one shining example) and doesn’t give the rest of the Hollywood crap a second thought.  His priorities are so solidly in the proper place.

Gaze upon the many faces of Senor Depp

One of the funniest things I ever saw on Letterman was Depp explaining what it is like to spend time with his then-two-year-old.  Basically, he said it was like hanging out with a tiny little drunk.  Toddlers fall down randomly, laugh and cry for no reason, wet themselves and blurt out bizarre shit.

I’m not much of a movie lover but I see everything this man does.   Once Upon a Time in Mexico was pretty underrated.   The eye gouging thing still fucking haunts me, at the end when Eva Mendes kisses him and he tricks her with a fake arm and shoots her while the blood is dripping down his face behind his sunglasses.  I think this may be the only Antonio Banderas movie I’ve ever seen.  But that twirling to avoid the bullet and shooting the dude’s kneecaps from behind his back is really very awesome.  Ruben Blades is pretty hot, too, come to think of it.  Oh fuck it, just watch the last eight minutes or so for yourself.

Sometimes, youtube is incredible.  There’s another vid after the jump for the true fans.  I mean…whoa.

*I realize facial hair is, by definition, manly.  I don’t care for it in general and the sentence just worked and I’m sick and oh deal with it!

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There's something strange...in their neighborhood.

S

Stupid Girl. You should have gone to the mall. Nobody sees ghosts at the mall.

o I watched Paranormal Activity this past weekend and I realized that even though I was psyched to see it, I still wanted to punch it in the face when I was finished with it.  But not for the reason you’d think.  I don’t think I am mad at it because it is a fairly decent horror movie that someone made for cheap.  I am mad that it is a fairly decent horror movie that you and I could have made for less than eleven thousand dollars and it would not have become some big sensation.  Cause it isn’t THAT good.

Is it good at all?  Well, I guess it depends on if you liked Blair Witch Project.  If you did, then you will like this.  If you didn’t you probably won’t like this.  If anyone tells you that they are not alike, take that person’s eye and bite it.  Hard.  They are lying.  If you changed the house into some woods, and the two people in this movie into three people it would be the same movie.

So why did everyone get such a boner for this movie?  I really don’t know.  There are a couple of good shock scares in it, but the ending (whether the theatrical version or the original) is stupid.  The acting itself is good and I read that the director wanted to really make it seem home made in case some studio bought it and wanted to pretend it was real.  And maybe THAT’S my problem with it.

See, I don’t care how shitty the camera work is, or how ‘real’ the acting and dialogue is (apparently there was not much of a script so they would ad-lib and seem natural) nobody would ever believe this is real.  Why?  Because: SPOILER ALERT -  Spoiler after the cut!

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See Colleen Camp up there?  From Clue?  You know.  Clue?  Best movie ever?  That’s me doing screen shots of Colleen Camp French Maid Boobs from Clue on my computer and it’s all because of epixhd.com.  And I should disclose that I am not getting paid by them in any way for doing this.  I should be, but I’m not.  They should be paying me big time cause I am totally hooked.  I watched Clue, and a couple Indiana Jones movies, and The Untouchables, and watching Chinatown on my other monitor right now!  How?  I don’t frigging know.  They sent me an invite code.

I actually did some research for this post and found out that they are a cable channel trying to get their on demand stuff into more cable systems.  The online component is apparently free for people who have the right cable.  And they have a thing where you can watch the same movie with your friends and like…chat about it or some shit.  I guess like Mystery Science Theater 3000 but less funny and with no robots.

So anyway.  Listen up EpixHD.  You owe me something for writing this post.  If my new invite expires I will demand recompense!  Recompense!

I remember a while back that people were reviewing the trailer for this movie, and then I did it too, cause wtf.  I can jump on bandwagons as easy as anyone else.  But then I was in the video store and saw the movie I had been talking about.  It was a straight to DVD deal called Trick ‘R Treat.  It has Anna Paquin in it (for you True Blood fans) and is generally a pretty decent horror movie.  The stories intertwine and the whole deal takes place in this town that apparently takes Halloween REALLY seriously.

If you are interested in super gore horror porn, this is not for you.  There are some somewhat graphic scenes and some truly wonderful vomiting, but it is not Hostel or Saw or anything like that.  But it also isn’t anything for kids.  Well, unless they are the kind of kids who don’t mind some murdering.  The stories are clever and the little dude up there in the picture was pretty cool.  Learn some more after the jump.

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Did you know that they put reviews from websites on movies?  For real?  How do I get on that bandwagon?  Someone send me their movies.  I’ll review it.  I even tried out some special review blurbs for practice:

• [Movie Name] is sexier then my stepsister, who isn’t related to me by blood.
• Just when I thought [Movie Name] could not get any better, that thing on my shoulder popped!
• The Godfather sucks compared to [Movie Name] and also Al Pacino is gay (for real).
• The torrent of [Movie Name] gave me fewer viruses than your mom.

If that fat dope from aintitcoolnews can do it, why not me?  I think all I would need to do is make my font 30 points bigger and kiss everyone’s ass.  So I will start here – with this movie that is only coming out on DVD and all I have seen of it is the trailer below.  Trick ‘r Treat stars Anna Paquin and looks from the trailer to be a fun Halloween flick.  Anna Paquin probably doesn’t show her boobs like she does in True Blood but she looks pretty hot in that Little Red Riding Hood suit and anything involving a ‘Halloween School Bus Massacre’ MUST be good.

OK – start sending me free shit, Movie Studios.  I need me some stress balls and magnets and key chains.  Christmas is coming.  Now watch the trailer and write your own review – maybe one of you will catch the eye of the studios!

Mystery Picture!

USA Network is having a James Bond Marathon today, and they started with the George Lazenby one.  Or whatever his name is.  There have been a bunch of James Bond’s and I think people who are really into it have little slap fights about who was the best one.  Sean Connery or Roger Moore or Michael Moore or whoever else played him.  I never cared too much.  And I never wondered if Captain Kirk was better or worse than Captain Picard, either.  I guess I am not learned enough to make an educated decision.  I do know that Arnold was way better than Al on Happy Days. Wayyy better.  But we are talking about James Bond – so here is a video of Eddie Izzard talking about James Bond.  I will make you fuckers love Eddie Izzard if it’s the last thing I do!

OTHER NEWS!

Britain Lets Pan Am Terrorist Go as Part of Oil Deal

I don’t know who this will surprise.  I mean, if I could get a few billion in exchange for letting some dude who will be dead soon out of jail, I would so do it.  But I would have also had the plane blown up as soon as it got over Libya and then insisted it was a coincidence.  Then I would have spent all my delicious money.

Some Fucked Up thing about a kidnapped girl who just got found or something…

Here’s the opening quote of the story, guaranteed to tug at your heartstrings:

Some knew her, others only knew of her. But they will never forget the day 18 years ago when the blonde, blue-eyed 11-year-old was snatched in broad daylight on her way to a bus stop.

So yeah….this girl.  Then that model who got stuffed in the suitcase.  That chick down in Aruba or whatever it was, Natalie Holloway?  It sucks that all these white girls are getting kidnapped and murdered.  This must be a great time to be black or Asian or Latino or something other that white.  Cause I have been watching the news all day, and apparently nobody who isn’t white ever gets kidnapped or murdered.  Except Michael Jackson, and that’s iffy.

Big Fire Burning Los Angeles – How fucking big is Los Angeles?

I don’t usually think about Los Angeles very much unless it involves the Nakatomi Building and John McLean battling Professor Snape.  But this story caught my eye because apparently:

Mandatory evacuations were in effect for neighborhoods in Altadena, Glendale, Pasadena, La Crescenta and Big Tujunga Canyon.

Do all of those things count as Los Angeles?  I have actually heard of Glendale and Pasadena, but I thought they were their own towns?  Do people have to write Big Tujunga Canyon on their envelopes as their return address?  Does anyone really care very much if rich people in Los Angeles get their houses burned down?  I don’t think so.  I remember the year of hurricane Katrina, later on that year there was hurricane Wilma.  I lived in Boca Raton, FL at the time and that hurricane fucked us all up.  No power or water, my car got flattened and blah blah.  But does anyone care when non poor people get disastered?  Nope.  Talking to some rich fuck in Palm Beach who tearfully looks over the ruins of his estate and says in a choked voice: “I guess I will have to take my helicopter to my place on the Outer Banks” does not foster ratings.

What’s the last hurricane in Florida you remember hearing about?  Andrew, right?  Why?  Cause it wiped out poor people.  Rich people can’t get a break.  Except that they’re rich, I guess.  I don’t know.