Superficial Gallery

Archive for the 'Sports' Category

02
Jan

The Hell with Homefield Advantage

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The first week of the NFL playoffs this season is one where sports gamblers are going to make a ton of money or lose a ton. There is no in-between with this set up. I have no science or fancy math to back this up, but the old adage that looks can be deceiving is especially true this week.

The reason is simple. The four home teams are all underdogs. Home teams in the playoffs tend to win, a quick google search gave me a couple articles that told me home teams win something like 70% in the NFL playoffs.

Read the rest after the jump!

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29
Dec

A Superficial Gallery Exclusive Interview: Plaxico Burress

plaxico-burress

Acadia is one guilt trippin’ motherfucker who is all “write something, we need content, jerk.” And when he says jerk, it really gets you.

So, I set out to not be a jerk. Which led to, hey, Plaxico Burress shot himself, it was kind of a big deal and he hasn’t been talking much in the media since then, you know? We figured, hey, we scoop that action, get the interview and at least five people will stop reading espn.com and get in on this interview.

It was set and I headed to New Jersey to sit down at a table with Plaxico, listen to him with a tape recorder and a writing pad. I was prepared for him to be a great guy painted wrongly by the media. Prepared for me to not give a damn about this and completely distort his words for the sake of penning this article.

He met me at the door to his home. It goes without saying that the place was large. It looked like the house that Tony Soprano lived in. Plax filled me in on that, “Yeah, you recognize this joint? Straight up, bought this plot of land, told a cat,  ‘fill it out like that Tony Soprano number’ and he so did.”

He was, thankfully, wearing sweatpants when I arrived. I chuckled knowing that Plax was wearing sweats to the club that fateful evening of misfire. He spread his arms and let me pat him down. Since I have a law degree, I started referring to it as a Terry Stop and he started referring to it as “a white man who would get choked if he tried any funny stuff.”

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21
Nov

J.P. Hayes is Honest. Or is He?

You don’t usually hear a lot about honest golfers.  Not sure why that is.  Maybe because golfers are notorious liars and murderers or because nobody gives a shit about any golfer except Tiger Woods.  But we are here to give you things you won’t get on any other website except the one we found the story on.  It’s about some golfer named J.P. Hayes who screwed himself out of a spot on the tour for next year.

Some Guy on Yahoo Says:

He played a nonconforming ball for a single hole of the second stage of Q School last weekend. He realized it more than a day after the “violation,” called it on himself, and thus disqualified himself from Q School … with some severe, career-altering effects down the line.

So, he did something wrong and owned up to it and apparently if he had not opened his big yap he never would have gotten caught.  Now, I don’t know what nonconforming balls are (except when I wear my skin tight superhero suit ZING!) but unless it had a rocket or a homing beacon thingy on it, golf should fucking relax.

If they want anyone to watch the sport, they need to amp it up.  Let them cheat.  And sometimes when they chip onto the green, drop like 100 balls out of a bucket from a tree so they have to figure out which one is theirs.  And also let them have naked lady caddies.  And when the golf guy asks her what club to use she would say, “The one in your pants.”  That would NEVER get old.

But I need to get back to the doofus who owned up to something that he never would have gotten caught doing.  I figure that since nobody ever heard of him, he decided to pretend he cheated by mistake so everyone would talk about him.  Like me.  Crap, I played right into his dirty lying golf hands.  You’ve won this round, J.P. Hayes.  But just wait til I get to number one in Google for your name and start smearing your lying actually conformist balls.  You have made a dangerous enemy today.

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19
Sep

Acadia might fire me for this…

…but we’re going to talk some fantasy football. I started writing here to do some sports coverage, but that hasn’t worked out so well. Mainly because any time I would come up with a general sports topic it would be simply, “RYAN HOWARD FOR MVP!!! bitches” and really, that’s not going to work anyone. Unless Ryan Howard reads the site. In which case, Ryan Howard for MVP.

Why fantasy football? I mean, it’s a subject that is covered in article form probably a little bit too much anyway, despite the fact that way too many people spend too much time getting wrapped up playing it. The hope is that eventually we’ll get into discussion of potential trades because that is the area of the game that I enjoy the most. I make way too many trades. Generally, here are how my teams work out…terrible starts, great finishes. OK, better finishes. If you have a potential trade offer that you think might be good material for this column, post it here. Or, just general fantasy stuff, I think the Maitland’s Palace of Wickedness area of the BATCAVE will need some sort of content, so feel free to use that.

Raise your hand if you had Chris Johnson on your roster after the Draft? (more…)

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26
Aug

If you think Michael Phelps is the story of the Olympics…

…you probably are wondering why there are sports on during the daytime and not soap operas. Enough with the Phelps as greatest Olympian ever, if you think he’s the greatest Olympian of these Beijing Games, you’re nuts.

Everything you knew about Carl Lewis and Michael Johnson can go to hell. Compared to, everything you knew about this Spitz dude can go to hell. Who really knows Spitz? Chances are, you at least gave a damn about Lewis and Johnson at some point in time.

See, track at least matters, a little bit. Swimming? Tougher? Much more strenuous workout? Sure, sure.

When it comes to competition, however, track and field events are still premium compared to Swimming. The two single toughest races to win at any Olympic games, because you’re always going against the Best of the absolute Best, are the 100m and the 200m on the track.

(more…)

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09
Aug

BREAKING: Brett Favre boring, but shaking hands and smiling

FOXSports.com has learned that the Packers will employ former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer for one month as a consultant.

Fleischer, who was President George W. Bush’s official spokesperson for a majority of his first term in office, is now president of Ari Fleischer Sports Communications, a joint venture with IMG.

Ari Fleischer, brought in to spin, baby, spin held his first press briefing today in Green Bay tonight to address the media about the Brett Favre dramedy. The transcript of the briefing is below.

MR. FLEISCHER: Good evening. Let me update you on the Packers’ day and then I will open it up to questions. One, nothing happened. Two, ESPN and NFL Network covered the heck out of nothing. They covered it with a vigor that will likely win an Emmy.

Q: That’s all that happened today? Wasn’t Brett Favre seen leaning out the driver’s side window of his Escalade?

MR. FLEISCHER:Yes, that happens to be a red Escalade. He spoke with three gentlemen who work for the Packers organization in the Security department. I can not at this time go into detail about what was said in that conversation. Brett laughed a bit and shook some hands. I can say that much. There may have been talk about pounding Budweiser and wives. May.

Q: Would you say the Packers were not ready to handle this situation?

MR. FLEISCHER:Of course not. The Packers worked on intelligence gathered during the Administrations preparations for battl…the football season. The Packers took information that Brett was retired and acted upon it. That’s why we are where we are. They relied on information possibly accurate at the time.

Q: First, the Packers said Favre could compete for the QB job with Aaron Rodgers, now there is talk of finding a trade. Potentially to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or maybe a divisional rival. What can explain the shift in position of the Packers front office with this situation?

MR. FLEISCHER:Shift? I don’t think you can say that there has been a shift at all in what has been put forward by this Administration. There may have been some vacillating involved, but never has there been a shift in policy regarding Mr. Favre and his presence with this Organization. It is an unfair criticism of all of those involved to say that there has been a shift. This process is one of transition. To what works best for Brett Favre and what works best for the Green Bay Packers. A transposing of the position may have occurred, but definitely there has not been a shift.

(more…)

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02
Aug

Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!

USA Basketball is going about things all wrong. Can’t really blame them, though. They started the concept of crushing Angolans and, when they find themselves at a podium with a Bronze around their neck, it just doesn’t sit well with…wait, who exactly is upset when USA Basketball doesn’t win a gold? Fans? The President?

Oh, whatever sneaker company is their corporate sponsor? Got it.

So, now, since USA hoops have taken some beatings, they’re re-focused. Defensive presence, PASS-first point guards (are you kidding me?! Did they not see that Stephon Marbury has a tattoo of his personal company logo on his HEAD? Man, he was ready for Beijing. Just had to make that call), effort being put in to select the players rather than just “fans love him”, and someone to hit a jumpshot on the perimeter. Shocking, I know, but they’ve built this team like they know what they’re doing.

Unfortunately for us, the only thing that they are doing is attempting to win.

(more…)

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