Johnny Depp was awarded Sexiest Man Alive for the second time by People magazine.  If I were in charge, he would have been named that every year for the last…twenty?  And for the next twenty, natch.  I predict he,  Robert Downey, Jr. and Leonardo DiCaprio will be remembered as this generation’s greatest actors.  Of that group of impressive thespians (they really do become the character!), only dear darling Johnny is beautiful, strong, delicate, weird and brilliant.  Not many guys can wear eyeliner and facial hair* and still come off manly as hell.  His conversational range, his grasp of topics and his insight and comprehension leave me breathless.  He hangs out with people who can keep up with him (Hunter S. Thompson for one shining example) and doesn’t give the rest of the Hollywood crap a second thought.  His priorities are so solidly in the proper place.

Gaze upon the many faces of Senor Depp

One of the funniest things I ever saw on Letterman was Depp explaining what it is like to spend time with his then-two-year-old.  Basically, he said it was like hanging out with a tiny little drunk.  Toddlers fall down randomly, laugh and cry for no reason, wet themselves and blurt out bizarre shit.

I’m not much of a movie lover but I see everything this man does.   Once Upon a Time in Mexico was pretty underrated.   The eye gouging thing still fucking haunts me, at the end when Eva Mendes kisses him and he tricks her with a fake arm and shoots her while the blood is dripping down his face behind his sunglasses.  I think this may be the only Antonio Banderas movie I’ve ever seen.  But that twirling to avoid the bullet and shooting the dude’s kneecaps from behind his back is really very awesome.  Ruben Blades is pretty hot, too, come to think of it.  Oh fuck it, just watch the last eight minutes or so for yourself.

Sometimes, youtube is incredible.  There’s another vid after the jump for the true fans.  I mean…whoa.

*I realize facial hair is, by definition, manly.  I don’t care for it in general and the sentence just worked and I’m sick and oh deal with it!

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I dont have anything to do with the videos, but Acadia loves me.

I didn’t want to make things very complicated for you today.  It’s Sunday, and you should be able to relax.  So here is an easy couple of videos to watch.  All you have to do is decide which one you would rather watch.

First up is some British kid apparently pissed off about Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.  Then he…drank some milk and punched a wall?  I think the Ghost of Winston Churchill is going to come kick his ass.  The second video is a dead snake.  I don’t get why it died there.  Like, did it die of old age?  It isn’t even gross or smooshed or anything.  Post in the comments how you think it dies, and whether or not you would rather bring the snake back to life and feed that whiny kid to it.

That's Acadia when he was little. He grew but still sucks his thumb. Don't judge!

So here we are:  the end of October and all 31 Scary Things videos are published.  By the way, why isn’t October the eighth month?  That bothers me greatly.  Anyhoodle, you have now seen all 31 but you are only voting on the last eleven.  I think I will make one final poll with the three winners of the previous polls duking it out.  So make your vote count.  But first, let’s review the last videos so they are fresh in your mind.

• Creepy Dolls
• Helplessness
• Conspiracies
• Falling
• Hotels
• Zombies
• The Dark
• Satan
• Serial Killers
• Pain
• Death

I think I have to vote for Hotels as being the scariest of this bunch.  I stayed at this “historic” hotel on Michigan Avenue in Chicago once and the floor above the one I was staying was rented out to a psychiatric facility.  It was a bit…noisy.  And the wallpaper was different on every wall.

Well, it is getting closer to dark, and soon you will have to either get your kids ready to go out trick or treating, or get ready to hand out candy to trick or treating kids, or getting your van ready to snatch kids or doing nothing cause your driveway is too fucking long for kids to walk up.  Whatever is it, the best thing you can do to get ready is click these links and watch these videos.  You can trust me.  I’m like a doctor.  A dirty, devil doctor.  So get clicking!

• Jennifer Hudock – if you don’t know her, go check out her site (she is a writer and she has audio versions of her stories, so she is a reader, too).  And just so you know – next year she is gonna get married in a real live zombie wedding to…
• James Melzer – Published horror writer and audio bookmaker.  The nuptials between Jenny and himself will be filled with gory goodness.
• Epix HD – People are claiming it is Hulu for movies.  Head over there and sign up for an invite.  Now, if it works the way it did for me, you will get an email saying to check back on Thursday.  But then a while later you will get a weekend preview invite.  I am watching Cloverfield right now, and they have Pet Sematary, which is bad ass.
• I just dug the scarecrow pic this dude took.

Videos after the cut.

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Everything today will be Halloweeny.  So here’s a song I hope you all appreciate.  The Mariner’s Revenge Song by the Decemberists.  And depending on what kind of person you are, I have more than one version.  If you like live performances, check the one out on the bottom.  But if you’re like me, you want the studio version.  So click the top one.  The fact that the play those kids put on is awesome is irrelevant.  Just listen to the damn song.

Find him.  Bind him. Tie him to a pole and break his fingers to splinters.  Drag him to a hole until he wakes up naked clawing at the ceiling of his grave.

Ahhh – that’s good revenge.