Archive for the ‘politics’ Category

Ain’t no way I was gonna lead with anything but Sweet Michelle.  She’s 56 years old.  See what having a million kids and loving Jesus and missiles does for your skin?  She might be crazy but at least she…nah she’s just crazy.  And tonight is the big Iowa Caucus.  If you have watched cable news you will know that this is the night that the good people of Iowa go to gyms and churches and stores and people’s houses and I guess sit around and decide who they want to be their nominee for president.

And since the old polisicks.com sitr we used to have is gone, we are gonna do all our political commentary here.  We guarantee it will be as stupid or stupider than the actual candidates.  So I have been watching MSNBC all night (I’m sorry but I understand Fox’s positions on things and they make me throw things at the screen) but Jeez Louise they need to get rid of Chris Matthews.  The dude can’t even pretend to be a newsman.  Here are my thoughts from the big Caucus (and from MSNBC).  This is gonna happen a lot now, so get ready!

1. Mitt Romney looks like Guy Smiley and has reversed everything he ever thought in order to appeal to the Republicans.  They all hate him.  If I were Romney I would tell them all to shove it and flip BACK on all his positions and run against Obama as a Democrat.  HIS health care thing works!
2. Rick Santorum came on strong and is prolly gonna win in Iowa.  He can’t win the general election, though as one would think that people outside Iowa might Google the word “Santorum”.  Go ahead, do it.
3. Ron Paul is the darling of idiots who keep saying he isn’t a racist.  I will laugh if he wins or runs as a third party candidate.  All people would have to ask him is: Do you think it is OK of someone doesn’t hire someone just because they are a woman?  He will have to say yes and then he can climb back into his coffin and stay there.
4. Rick Perry – WTF is with that dude?  Seriously.  It’s like he just didn’t feel like being Governor all summer so he farted around trying to be president.  He’s the worst.
5. Newt Gingrich is pretty awesome because he wants to take stupid kids and make them slaves or something.  I don’t care about kids.  They can all be janitors or…pickpockets or whatever his dumb idea was.
6. Michelle Bachman is like I said up there.  She’s Crazy Hot and Hot Crazy.

After the jump – the MSNBC depth chart!

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While I definitely have political views (I think the National Anthem should be made even more difficult to sing!) and there are things that I definitely identify with in both of the major parties though I do lean decidedly left in a lot of ways.

But anyone who watches this video, ANYONE, and doesn’t then say that Newt Gingrich is a moron and should be ignored is just plain ignorant.  He did not “misspeak”.  He he was very straightforward.

“Start with the following two facts,” Gingrich said Thursday at a campaign stop in Iowa.

“Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works, so they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday,” Gingrich said.

“They have no habit of staying all day. They have no habit of ‘I do this and you give me cash’ unless it’s illegal.”

Now, the pundits will say: “yeah but he was just playing to Iowa for the caucuses”.  Really?  Then kick Iowa out of the country.  Or find me the people that agree with Newt.  I want them to bring me to all the places that the kids don’t know anything about commerce unless it’s illegal.  I want to find the lemonade stand that sells crack.

Newt then went on to say that his 12 year old granddaughter (whose grandfather is a millionaire) emailed him from her new iPad.  “How did you get an iPad?” Asked the millionaire grandfather.  “I saved my money for eight months!”  Said the granddaughter.  Newt used this anecdote to contrast how kids who aren’t poor understand how money works, I guess?  Or maybe he was giving a subtle hint that 12 year old girls with iPads whose grandfather’s are millionaires are generally sexually active and have HPV?

What?  Don’t look at me that way.  Twelve year old girls who have iPads and millionaire grandfathers are generally ignorant as to what value their bodies have.  They focus so much on money that they have no self-respect and are generally pretty slutty.

You want me to prove my statement?  Back it up somehow?  I will when Newt backs up his.  Until then, I’m just gonna say it is a fact.  I encourage you to argue with me.  Annnnnd go!

They Broke a Piece of New York.

I was in New York City on September 11th.  I had just started a new job on September 5th (happy 10 year anniversary to me) and I was living in Florida.  I flew up and told people that knew me that I was going to be in NYC but I didn’t know where (I didn’t).

So I was outside 5 Penn Plaza on 8th Avenue.  Madison Square Garden was in front of me and I was smoking a cigarette waiting for my coworkers.  Then some guy out of nowhere said that a plane hit the World Trade Center.  Just like every other story you have heard, all of us on the street (smokers and cabbies) assumed it was a small plane until we heard about the next one.  Then everyone’s faces dropped. We we all looked downtown and saw smoke.

The people I was supposed to be with showed up and we went inside.  The offices we were in faced downtown and we all watched the building burn.  Secretaries and executives and some delivery guy.  We were all just watching.  As it turned out, we were in the same building that CNN was at the time.  So if you were watching CNN that day, you were seeing the same thing I was seeing as they had their cameras on the roof of that building.

I noticed something and mentioned it to the guy standing next to me.  I later found out the dude was a huge bigshot in the company I was at and I had no business talking to him.  But I said:  “Is it burning…down?  Like, is the fire going down instead of up?”

“Jeez it is,” He said. ” I wonder what’s causing that.”

Then it fell down and everyone freaked out.

The rest of the day was filled with trying to find a way back to Queens.  Trying to get cell phone signals.  Hearing crazy reports of car bombs everywhere.  But it was unremarkable overall.  We went to a bar and waitied until someone said we could get off Manhattan.  A guy covered with that white dust came in.  Nobody dared to talk to him, really.

A friend of mine worked for Prudential downtown.  He told me something that I never saw on the news.  The cops were stopping cars on the West Side Highway and stuffing people into them, as many as would fit.  “Get everyone the Hell out of here”, he told me the cop kept saying.  BMW’s and Mercedes crammed full of 7 or 8 people covered with dust.  I always thought that was cool.  Not sure why it stuck with me.  I suppose there are a million stories like that.  And it is easy to get overloaded (especially now).  So I’m not going to pretend that my  experience was unique (there were people I was with all day so of course it wasn’t).  A guy I knew died.  We weren’t close.  All the people I was close with lived.

I think we all lived, anyway, which is what is bugging me.  Those first few weeks or whatever, it seemed like we could do anything.  We were all together.  The whole world was like: wtf!  We got attacked.  Thousands of people who didn’t do anything but wake up and hope they would have a good day and go to work died out of nowhere.  It was cowardly crap and I wish that all our people who died were alive and some random 3000 people in Pakistan who hate us exploded all over everyone around them.  Better them than us, if I was able to pick.

And it was sneaky.  It was like Pearl Harbor.  But 10 years after Pearl Harbor we had won a giant war and already made friends with Japan and Germany again.  And there weren’t computers then.  And the phones had dials and you had to ask for Klondike 5 and whatnot if you wanted to talk to someone and we still managed to whip a continent’s ass.  Granted, we were racist and segregated, everything is tainted in some way, I guess.  But what they did was something that I think would be impossible today for we Americans.

Now we are wowed by technology.  Everyone was talking about how AMAZING it was that some dude was tweeting about the helicopters that flew by his house on the way to kill Bin Laden.  Isn’t the world an amazing place?  Big deal. The people who won World War Two only had pencils and pens to plan things with.  They beat Germany AND Japan.  They had that thing we had in the first few weeks after the attacks, that sense of unity.  But when they had it it meant they were ready to eat nothing but beets and send their men to die.  We all got flags and bumper stickers and told each other we supported the troops.  Saturday Night Live came back on and we acted like France got liberated.

What did we do for the last ten years?  People told us that if we acted any differently the terrorists win, right?  Well I didn’t do anything different, and I don’t think they lost.  If every generation has a war that defines us then this fits us perfectly.  We watched it on TV, were told to go shopping, we got a tax cut and MAYBE we knew someone who knew someone who was in the service.

Did you ever wonder why in World War Two you actually had to BE a hero to get called one?  It’s because back then what we call heroes now they called Ernie.  Or Hal.  Just regular guys who had to go in the Army because there was a lot at stake.  The people in the service now deserve to have their asses kissed by us for a lot of reasons but not the least of which is because the rest of us cannot fathom doing anything like that.  Sacrificing for people we don’t know.  Or for an ideal.  We’re too special.

And we’re fat.  And we fight about “social issues” and we cannot seem to get our heads out of our asses long enough to do something about jobs or energy or anything else.  We can’t do jack.  Politicians can talk about America’s resilient spirit all they want but if they look around they are going to see a bunch of self-absorbed fat asses.  As long as our kids have good self-esteem who gives a crap about anything else, right?  We’re special?  We deserve things?

No, we aren’t.  And no, we don’t.  We’re weak.  We talk about everything we do like it matters which means that when something does matter we probably can’t hear it.  We don’t even have the Space Shuttle anymore.  We don’t have to ask people for directions.  We don’t need to read the paper.  We can play Angry Birds or text people while we take a crap.  Yay us.  In the 10 years since September 11, 2001 we have managed to mess up pretty much every aspect of our country.  And it was because we did what we were told.  We lived our lives normally.  The same selfish, self-absorbed lives we were living on September 10th.

They tell us that September 11th changed everything.  In the opinion of this one person who witnessed but was not injured by the 9/11 attacks, and asking for the pardon of the loved ones of the people who died and all the military people who have died for me and everyone reading this since then, 9/11 changed exactly s***.

I complain when I have to take off my shoes at the airport.  I don’t understand why I have to put my laptop in a separate bin.  I’m an ass.  And, I think it is pretty safe to say that most of you are, too.  Lazy lazy self-absorbed people.

They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  I guess we died?  Is it too late to change that?  Is there anything you think that needs changing?  Do you know how?  Do  you even want to?  And if you do, are you too busy?  I don’t want to be.  I really don’t.

The international stock exchange has a firm grip on the balls of the nations around the globe. It’s had it for about 80 years now and the fact that it is partially responsible for causing WWII didn’t give anybody anything to think about.

The fact that the last crash drove several countries (such unknown  mini-states as Greece, Portugal and Spain) into bankruptcy didn’t give anybody anything to think about.

Well it did. But nobody really understands the international stock exchange anymore, does he? Explain to me again, why exactly a French man dropping a friggin’ baguette would cause Microsoft to buy  a brewery. Exactly, none of this makes any sense.

But behold – the truth shall be revealed to y’all!

Well folks, there you have it. There is no deeper secret to it. It’s all just random madness.

But hey, that’s no problem, because all the people in charge of this madness do really care  for you and me and not for f***ing industry. Wait…wasn’t that the other way around? Well…I don’t know. You figure it out.

So not that it was very difficult to call, but I totally called the Anthony Weider meant to send a DM thing the day after the scandal broke.  This is exactly what I said:

I will bet you $100.00 that he meant to send that as a DM.  And if it turns out he was using Tweetdeck, I will up my bet to a zillion dollars.

Why?  Because Tweetdeck is built to make you fuck up when trying to send tweets.  I don’t even have anyone to have textual relations with and I still fuck it all up constantly.  Here is Tweetdeck

So you can see that Julie from Momspective wants to see my junk.  Did I make a tweet asking of people wanted to see my junk so my screenshot would look cooler?  Yes I did.  It’s for my art.  Jerks  Anyway – now on to the problem that Wiener had.  Confusing Mentions with Direct Messages.

Step One – find someone you want to tweet to.  I’m choosing Sarah Silverman for my experiment.  She tweets jokes and that’s about it.  Sometimes she does crazy videos and pictures but most of the time it’s those one line jokes that everyone tweets in the hope that people will retweet it.

Oh, and just in case you think all I do is tweet to famous people – I have a very thin definition of “Celebs”.  I have the red-headed racist from The Amazing Race on there, as well as Amanda Carpenter, Right Wing Shill.  I also have Keith Olbermann so my Tweetdeck does not tip over.

Let’s zoom in on Sarah’s thing (heh) after the jump and see how Mr. Weiner made his mistake.  Once you see it you will be all like – damn!  He could sue Tweetdeck for sure!

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The woman in the center of this picture is Queen Mary (1867-1953).  The picture was taken in 1945.  Who gives a shit?  Well, I guess the same people who care that Prince William is marrying Kate Middleton.  Why are these pictures special in any way?  Well, this is the first time anyone on the Internets has ever seen them cause I just scanned them out of this old album I acquired.  On the back of each one is a stamp from the army declassifying it “for personal use” and specifically “not for publication”.  Well screw you, limeys!  I’m publishing them!

Who was Queen Mary?  Allow me to bullet point you, commoner peasant.

• She was the Queen Consort of the United Kingdom and the British Dominions, and Empress of India.  You were not.  Nor will you ever be.  I don’t think that India even has an empress anymore.  What do they have?  Who is the president of India?  I have no idea.  But I would know if they had an Empress.  Think about it, India.
• She was the Duchess of York (like Fergie) and the Princess of Wales (like Diana).  However, these titles seem to have not caused her to become a tubby ginger drunk or a two-timer.  Granted, her husband was two-timing her, but exactly how was I supposed to feel sorry for the FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND who left her husband to date A BILLIONAIRE?  Seriously.  I didn’t want Princess Diana dead, but it isn’t like she had to leave Prince Charles and get a job at Stuckeys.
• She was the Queen from 1910 until her husband (George V) died in 1936.  Incidentally, her husband “may” have died as a result of his doctor injecting him with cocaine and morphine.  Medicine sucks now.  But that meant she was the Queen during all of World War I, which I assume means she had to wear armor and hide in a castle.  Or, if HBO is right about British Royalty, get boned 400 times day.
• She is Queen Elizabeth II (the current Queen)’s grandmother.  Which makes her Prince William‘s great great grandmother.  I would be willing to bet that she never wore a pair of pants in her life.
• She had a big ass ship named after her that is now a hotel in Long Beach, CA.  It is rumored to be haunted.  There are no ships named after you.
• The pics themselves seem to be her getting in a car in front of some castle, and then attending some kind of game (which sort of seems to be in front of the same castle).
• The closest you will get to this experience is if you let someone drive you from one end of your driveway to the other while your friends play wiffle ball.

One of a kind, never before seen royalty pics after the jump!

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