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There are two statues in a park: one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle, and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you still have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?”
She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and YOU shit on its head.”

What were you all thinking?  Get your minds out of the gutter, people!

I mentioned this show a little bit ago, but now I see that they have whole episodes online at Hulu.  So I decided to do a little hot embed action and let you see it.  I like when the people scream.  And when they try to get the money.  And when they get hurt.  Watch it.  You’ll laugh.

Actually, I just realized that I am rich and have a big mansion, so I may try this.  But instead of filming them and making a TV game show out of it, I will film them and keep the tapes in a box behind a secret panel in my conservatory.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

I get it.  I know that Thanksgiving can suck.  And that for lots of people it is one of the most miserable holidays there is.  All that family this and togetherness that.  I mean, if your family was so goddamn great, how come we are only thankful for it once a year?  Didn’t think of that, didja?

Anyway – if you are sitting all alone reading this – I am gonna give you a list of things that you can be thankful for without having to worry about your loneliness or the fact that the whole country is trying to make you feel bad that you are not sitting around some table with lots of people smiling and things being passed around and whatever.  So here we go.

Old Van Halen – Just listen to them.  Sammy Hagar can suck it.  Old Van Halen rules. Panama.  Hot for Teacher.  How Eddie Van Halen looked really old even when he was young.  Swinging around on wires.  Drawing their logo on your notebook.

Yeah – Old Van Halen is something everyone should have to listen to on a car ride somewhere.  Probably to a party.  Or a funeral.  Nobody would expect it if you popped in a little VH on the way from the church to the cemetery.  Runnin’ with the Devil?

Global Warming – in the short term, I am thinking it means more days off from work and better weather most of the time.  I don’t think it will get really bad until after we’re dead.  And since we’ll be dead then, whatever.  If all you people with kids are so worried about them, then you fix it.

NPR – If you don’t listen, you are missing out.  Marketplace rules, and nothing says good radio then 45 second jazz riffs instead of commercials.  Except for you, Diane Rehm – your voice sounds like you just crawled out of a civil war battlefield and you creep me out.

Websites – I mean in general.  Without them, the Internet would really suck.  And if the economy is so bad that you had to turn off your Internet service then you can’t see this.  So everyone that can should be thankful that they aren’t those poor suckas.

Alice’s Restaurant – Just listen.  If you have 18 minutes to spare.  This is all Thanksgiving has (sorry Adam Sandler).

Good Feelings – You know when you are at the movies and you get popcorn in your teeth and it drives you crazy and when you get home you go get floss and get the popcorn out?  That feeling when it’s gone is almost worth how shitty it was when it was in there.

Or when you are like, driving, and you know that if you could just shove a Q-Tip in your ear it would feel so awesome and you would more than likely have an eargasm?  Then when you finally can it is just as good as you thought.

Conspiracies – Cause do you really want to think all this shittiness is all random?  How much worse wouldthat make it?

First Teenager Kiss – What good memories.  Even if it was a crappy kiss, it is still the first one.  And if you haven’t been kissed yet.  Umm.  New Year’s is coming?  Also – I should point out that the whole kissing a teenager thing should really be restricted to other teenagers.  You stinkin’ pervs.

Little Things – Since I need to go, I am gonna give you a few things that I am thankful for in addition to this list.  You can make your own list, too.  Then look at some porn.  Then order a pizza.  Or something.  This is awkward now.

• All of you who read this site.  Seriously, thanks.
• Everyone who works on this site.  Later I will send you all a dirty PM as a token of my gratitude.
• Internet Friends.  You don’t have to help them move, and you can block them on IM and say: My Internet went out!
• The Venture Brothers.
• The fact that I fixed the mine for Evangeline.  Cause she was really giving me a lot of shit.  Well, not really, but she did mention it.
• Not enacting any of the really crappy ideas I had this year.
• Sandwiches.
• My Telescope.
• Parole.

That’s it – go do something.  I’m gonna.

Life really boils down to 2 questions…

1.) Should I get a dog…..?

Or…

2.) Should I have children?….