FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.  The husband said, ‘Who was that?’ The wife answered,”I don’t know,some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!”  The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “Okay, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
“Is it mine?”

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a Clemson Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.  Bambi pondered the question then finally said, “That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.”

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the officer and his dog, then sat down on the steps putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.”

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4 When people say “it’s always the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is”new and improved!” Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.

8 When people say “life is short.” What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?

His mama must be so proud.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Dallas Cowboy fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Cowboy fans. Everyone in the class raises their hands except one little girl. The teacher looks at the little girl with surprise and says, “Jenny, why didn’t you raise your hand?” Jenny replied, “Because I’m not a Cowboy fan!” The still shocked teacher asked, “Well, if you aren’t a Cowboy fan, then who are you a fan of?” Jenny answered, “I’m a Broncos fan and proud of it!” The teacher couldn’t believe her ears. “Jenny, why in the world are you a Broncos fan?!” Jenny replied, “Because my mom is a Broncos fan, my dad is a Broncos fan, so I’m a Broncos fan, too!” The teacher answered in a slightly annoyed tone, “That is no reason for you to be a Broncos fan! You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?!” Jenny smiled and said, “Then I’d be a Dallas Cowboy fan!”

I know that even talking about Heroes now is sort of dumb cause I don’t think anybody watches it anymore, but it occurred to me again this week that the show is a total rip off of The 4400.  I mean,The 4400 was on for FOUR SEASONS before Heroes launched.  And strangely, it was canceled right before the rip off show aired.  If you never heard of the 4400 before, then let me tell you a little something about it.

The show was about 4400 people who suddenly appeared at some lake in Washington.  Then we come to find out that all of them were people who had disappeared during the past 100 years or so.  And blah blah time travel etc.etc.  The POINT is that these people had ‘powers’ or ‘abilities’ or whatever you want to call them.  Regular people.  Just plain old doofuses who had to deal with life as a normal person as well as being able to see the future or fly or turn cinnamon pop tarts into blueberry pop tarts or whatever.  And of course, while they figure that out they also have to play a part in whether the world will be ’saved’ or not.

Sound familiar?

Of course, the thing that drives the ’special’ people’s specialness is always different.  The X-Men, Heroes, the 4400.  Anytime you try to see what would happen if ‘real’ people got special powers you see the same thing.  The people who can kill the regular humans always end up getting shunned and discriminated against and oh look an allegory!  But it’s bullshit.  Take Heroes right now.  Peter the sissy just wants to be ‘normal’.  Most of the people with these wondrous powers just want to live ‘normal lives’.  Fuck that.  If I had powers, I would be the biggest sell out ever.  I don’t care if my power was super lame, like…I have super strength but only when naked and when it’s really cold out.  You can bet I would be charging $25 a pop to have people watch me and my tiny shriveled junk lift up tanks and motor boats ALL DAY LONG.  Normal life.  What the fuck?  You know why you don’t se many 6′9 325 pound bank tellers?  Cause people who are 6′9″ and 325 pounds have SPECIAL POWERS and don’t live normal lives.  At least not at first.

Wait, this was about The 4400.  Watch the video below.  It is the finale of season 4.  They invented this drug that gave regular dicks like you powers.  And they use Where Is My Mind by the Pixies.  You gonna tell me that anything in Heroes has ever been this good?  No way.  Plus, if you chopped of Claire’s head, would her head grow a new body, would her body grow a new head or BOTH?

These are some crazy business names. The sushi restaurant made me laugh a lot.