Jillian misunderstood when she was asked if she liked being eaten...

So the Biggest Loser is starting and they were smart to do it right after New Year’s when everyone is doing their resolutions and whatnot.  Then I was thinking that while this is a game show, the whole thing about America getting so fat that we cannot fit into our pants as a nation is starting to get to me.  And with all this hoo ha about health care, I think we could probably force some issues that we need to force.  Fuckin’ dude on this show cant put on his own shoes.  Seems like a nice guy.  Can’t put on his own shoes, though.  That’s fat.  Too damn fat.

So last time I wrote about this show I talked about how you should watch it.  But this time I am in a feisty mood, so I am gonna make some suggestions and state some things I have observed, and also possibly save America.  Fat Fat America.

1. No matter how much they laugh, fat people aren’t happy they are fat.  They may be happy about something else, but not that they are fat.  Not even Santa.  So if you see some fat person laughing and they aren’t being tickled or reading this website, they are probably lying.
2. The government should use one of their wastoid departments, like Immigration, to go around and weigh everyone in the country.  No exceptions, no tricks.  Just flat out weigh everyone.  and if they happen to catch some illegal aliens, let the skinny ones stay (i’ll tell you why later).
3. Fat people: there is nothing wrong with your metabolism.  You don’t have a gland problem.  With very few exceptions, there is nothing stopping you from losing weight.  You are scared and tired and depressed.  But you are not physically unable to lose weight.  So knock that shit off now.
4. Skinny people: fat people don’t care what you have to say.  Unless you used to weigh 100 pounds more than you do now (and no babies were inside you) then shut up.  Just stand over there in the corner (lots of you will fit).  Nothing against you, and nobody is mad that you are skinny, but unless and until you go about your daily life with 200 pounds of sand tied around you, just shut your skinny mouths.  Oh, you can also talk if you are Jughead from Archie.  Hee.  He’s funny.
5. After the government has weighed everyone, they need to figure out how much each of the fat people weigh and which are on government health care.  Medi-old or Medi-poor (I don’t know which is which with the real names) recipients will have to be weighed once a month.  And I don’t care who is gonna pay for it (you’ll see).
6. Make all the gyms in America hook generators to their exercise machines.  And probably in the floors, too.  All the movement of those fat people bouncing along can make electricity and then the gyms will make more money.
7. Health Insurance companies should pay for people to lose weight instead of quitting smoking.  Smoking makes people skinnier.  It also makes them die sooner and not much more expensively than fatness, so smoking is a win in my book.
8. The gov’t will then send a letter to all the fat people, telling them that if they stay within their target weight (as determined by common sense and magazine covers) they get a tax credit of something something.  I don’t need to do the figures because I’m not the fucking CBO.
9. The people have to stay in the target range for 3 years (so they can’t cheat).
10. Anyone with a fat kid gets a tax penalty even if they themselves are skinny.  It’s not the kid’s fault.  It’s yours!
11. People will get skinny if it will pay them money.  More skinny people will mean that the companies that make shitty food will have to figure out how to make food that is still good but doesn’t taste diety if they want to stay in business.
12. All the skinnyness will make health care costs lower, which will solve THAT crisis.
13. The skinny people that I left in the corner will all have awesome jobs and have their pick of the new skinny people.  That’s their reward.  They could do their regular shit during all this cause they weren’t fat asses to start with.  It’s their head start!

Anyone who wants to add/subtract/dispute/support any part of my plan do so in the comments.  Unless your fingers are too fat to type anything succinct.  If they are, just say: skdjaghldldldlda and I will know you care!

This is a clue, you goobers.

I figured I would give you something to ponder while you wait for the BIG REVEAL.  The BIG REVEAL will explain why we haven’t been updating the site since before Festivus.  Granted, the Feats of Strength took a lot out of us, but the Airing of Grievances was pretty cathartic.  We took the pole down and got back to work.  But we aren’t ready to show you the results of our labor yet, so…how do you say 2010?  Since most people said 2009 as “two thousand nine,” it stands to reason you say this year as “two thousand ten.”  And I think you are WRONG.  Think about it: we say 1909 as “nineteen oh nine.”  So this year is twenty ten.  Don’t fuck it up and make me stab you in the throat.  Oh and it isn’t just me who believes this.  A group I desperately would like to join even wrote about it.  So there.

We’re up to something.  So feel free to make up your own version of what it might be in the comments.  We could be making a cake.  Or inventing a scratch and sniff website.  Or punching a villain.

But we aren’t doing any of those things.

Or are we?

INTRIGUED YET?

Combine a hit movie with a celebrity death. Like when Harrison Ford died after Empire Strikes Back!

I was looking around the Internet this morning to see how many people were doing ‘Best of’ lists for the year or the decade.  Quite a few have.  But not me.  Not yet.  Decade isn’t over yet.  Something could still happen.  Like I said last week when Brittany Murphy died, make your list too early then you could end up getting screwed.  Now, depending on what you are counting, it might be OK to publish your list now.  I don’t think any more movies are coming out.  No new albums.  The list of best Olympics of the decade is pretty safe.

But my list is gonna be different, so there is still time for you to make it on there.  Here’s some things you can do:

• Catch Osama Bin Laden
• Catch Osama Bin Laden but then let him go.
• Acquire super strength or the ability to fly.
• Make a sex tape.
• Show your boobs (this really only counts if you are Sarah Michelle Gellar or Winona Ryder).
• Write me a nice note explaining why you should be on the list.  Feel free to include a pic of your boobs.  There is no contradiction with my previous item here because SMG and Winona don’t need the note.
• Create a ‘Green Job’.  LOL I know that one is impossible.

OK, you have one week.  Take some initiative for once.  Sheesh.