Posts Tagged ‘biggest loser’

There was once a glorious age of toaster food. Before the Mi-Cro-Wave, humans used only glowing red hot coils to provide themselves with warm snack food. It was a savage age and the Pop Tart ruled the toaster. There are only so many things you can put into a toaster. There was once a pop tart-style breakfast sandwich with bacon in it. Unlike the infamous viral strawberry pop tart blowtorch video, the bacon Pop Tart actually flamed your toaster without having to rig the toaster.  Don’t think about your favorite Pop Tart right now. It’s impossible isn’t it, unless you’ve been raised completely outside the great American food lie, your mind just flashed back to a Pavlovian memory of that Pop Tart you crave. They recently brought back grape. Was grape the only kind you ate as a kid?

Super Fun Fact: The average person eats eight pounds of grapes a year. Another super fun fact: even though there’s a big banner on the Pop Tart box shouting NOW BAKED WITH REAL FRUIT, my favorite, the Frosted Strawberry, has only 6% actual fruit and less than 2% of that is strawberry. Asking what “fruit” consists of ruins the whole experience. It’s like asking what’s in a McDonald’s McNugget. I stopped eating McNuggets after I made the mistake of doing that. Glorious tasty industrial food shouldn’t be questioned too much.

This is raw McNuggets

Australians like to point out that they’re healthier than Americans and Canadians because Pop Tart’s sold so poorly there that Kellogs discontinued them in 2005. What a bunch of hypocrites. Have you ever tasted Vegemite? Australians smear this goo on anything edible. Guess what, you anti-Pop Tart Australian types? Vegemite is essentially industrial waste someone slapped a healthy sounding label on and sold with a kick ass marketing campaign. Yes, that’s right some wonky smart fellow said, “What the hell are we going to do with all this leftover brewer’s yeast?” and Vegemite was born. It makes the Pop Tart’s origin as dog food pale in comparison.

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I assume amusing adults is why they do this stuff because it makes no earthly sense to do it for any other reason.  Crazy lil monkeys*.

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*I used “monkeys” as a term of endearment as a show of support for the Jillian chick on Biggest Loser.  A buncha dumbshit assholes got all offended she called the contestants monkeys on her Twitshit page or something.

Jillian misunderstood when she was asked if she liked being eaten...

So the Biggest Loser is starting and they were smart to do it right after New Year’s when everyone is doing their resolutions and whatnot.  Then I was thinking that while this is a game show, the whole thing about America getting so fat that we cannot fit into our pants as a nation is starting to get to me.  And with all this hoo ha about health care, I think we could probably force some issues that we need to force.  Fuckin’ dude on this show cant put on his own shoes.  Seems like a nice guy.  Can’t put on his own shoes, though.  That’s fat.  Too damn fat.

So last time I wrote about this show I talked about how you should watch it.  But this time I am in a feisty mood, so I am gonna make some suggestions and state some things I have observed, and also possibly save America.  Fat Fat America.

1. No matter how much they laugh, fat people aren’t happy they are fat.  They may be happy about something else, but not that they are fat.  Not even Santa.  So if you see some fat person laughing and they aren’t being tickled or reading this website, they are probably lying.
2. The government should use one of their wastoid departments, like Immigration, to go around and weigh everyone in the country.  No exceptions, no tricks.  Just flat out weigh everyone.  and if they happen to catch some illegal aliens, let the skinny ones stay (i’ll tell you why later).
3. Fat people: there is nothing wrong with your metabolism.  You don’t have a gland problem.  With very few exceptions, there is nothing stopping you from losing weight.  You are scared and tired and depressed.  But you are not physically unable to lose weight.  So knock that shit off now.
4. Skinny people: fat people don’t care what you have to say.  Unless you used to weigh 100 pounds more than you do now (and no babies were inside you) then shut up.  Just stand over there in the corner (lots of you will fit).  Nothing against you, and nobody is mad that you are skinny, but unless and until you go about your daily life with 200 pounds of sand tied around you, just shut your skinny mouths.  Oh, you can also talk if you are Jughead from Archie.  Hee.  He’s funny.
5. After the government has weighed everyone, they need to figure out how much each of the fat people weigh and which are on government health care.  Medi-old or Medi-poor (I don’t know which is which with the real names) recipients will have to be weighed once a month.  And I don’t care who is gonna pay for it (you’ll see).
6. Make all the gyms in America hook generators to their exercise machines.  And probably in the floors, too.  All the movement of those fat people bouncing along can make electricity and then the gyms will make more money.
7. Health Insurance companies should pay for people to lose weight instead of quitting smoking.  Smoking makes people skinnier.  It also makes them die sooner and not much more expensively than fatness, so smoking is a win in my book.
8. The gov’t will then send a letter to all the fat people, telling them that if they stay within their target weight (as determined by common sense and magazine covers) they get a tax credit of something something.  I don’t need to do the figures because I’m not the fucking CBO.
9. The people have to stay in the target range for 3 years (so they can’t cheat).
10. Anyone with a fat kid gets a tax penalty even if they themselves are skinny.  It’s not the kid’s fault.  It’s yours!
11. People will get skinny if it will pay them money.  More skinny people will mean that the companies that make shitty food will have to figure out how to make food that is still good but doesn’t taste diety if they want to stay in business.
12. All the skinnyness will make health care costs lower, which will solve THAT crisis.
13. The skinny people that I left in the corner will all have awesome jobs and have their pick of the new skinny people.  That’s their reward.  They could do their regular shit during all this cause they weren’t fat asses to start with.  It’s their head start!

Anyone who wants to add/subtract/dispute/support any part of my plan do so in the comments.  Unless your fingers are too fat to type anything succinct.  If they are, just say: skdjaghldldldlda and I will know you care!

I watch Biggest Loser.  Well, I guess I should say I fast forward Biggest Loser.  Every episode is the same, so you can tell when to Fast Forward.  Goes like this:

• Skip the worst theme song in TV history.  “What have you done today blah blah…” It sucks.  –>
• Watch the weekly twist.  Two people get eliminated…  One person gets set on fire… All the contestants have to do it…
• Watch the Challenge
• Skip the infomercials and anything where the trainers are in the house.  They are just gonna talk about gum or plastic bags. –>
• Skip the last chance workout.  If I wanna see people sweat I will watch porn or try to get something out of the back shelf of my closet. –>
• Skip the inevitable “Person figures out why they gained the weight and blah blah blah”.  Not everything needs to be blamed on your parents.  Cept for me.  Screw you, dad.  –>
• Watch the weigh in (see my real question below) but skip the annoying fucking beeps.
• Don’t watch the deliberation. –>
• Don’t watch them all blubber and cry at the voting –>
• DO see how skinny the person who got kicked out got!

So now that I told you how to watch the show, help me out.  Why do they have the guys take off their shirts and the women wear those tank tops when they are the MOST FAT?  Like, in the very beginning, when the contestants are as big as they are gonna get, they are mostly naked.  But as they get smaller, they get to keep their shirts on.  Why is this?  How come they make the girl who weighs 350 pounds wear a sports bra, but after she loses 100 pounds (and weighs 250) they put a shirt on her?

I guess the only thing I an think of is ‘extra skin’?  They have the same amount of skin they had in the beginning.  And mind you, I am not petitioning for the people to have shirts or not have shirts.  I think they should do what they want.  But obviously there is some sort of orchestrated thing going on.  Because they ALL have no shirts, and then shirts.  So what gives?

Answers please.