Posts Tagged ‘boobs’
Last week Acadia gave me the choice between writing about some kid the pedos are going to be googling once her TV show hits the air or Thai breast massaging, where your boobs are literally slapped repeatedly to make them bigger. Since I already had some experience in the boob slapping arena, that’s the one I took.
I have to admit – I’m intrigued. Maybe I should go to one of their training courses. Anything that lets me get away with slapping people is certainly something I’d be interested in. I wonder if they’d let me play some Phil Collins while I do it…
I’m not really sure what to say about this video. I have no idea what is going on in it, but I think that’s what makes it so special. Just look at that picture up there. That happens in the video.
I have a lot of fessing up to do. I didn’t really pay any attention to this episode because I was busy doing real work. If you fuckers would give me money I could quit my regular job but you never ever do.
That said, watching the episode out of the corner of my eye made me hat Bravo worse than usual. They teased Padma in a bikini for TWO weeks in a row. She was standing next to a boat. I looked up during the episode and there she was. And then she wasn’t. And that was it. The whole time she was in the bikini was ON THE COMMERCIAL. I expected her to be doing some kind of inappropriate bending or sweaty Bahamian jumping jacks. But nope. Nothing. Made me want to figure out which of those housewife shows had the one chick I thought was hot on it and watch that instead.
Since they are now fucking around with the judging, I will take a couple minutes to let you know what I would do to spice up the show:
- Bahamian Jumping Jacks
- Make the judges cook something. Then the contestants have to take the leftovers and make something else, and feed it back to the judges. If the judges know it was theirs, you are out.
- Less cooking.
- If you win the quick fire AND the main challenge in the same week, you can skip the following week.
- Every week you don’t win anything, they take away one of your knives. Or shirts. Or something. They fucking need to penalize these losers.
- Have each challenge in another state and make them drive around to each one. It would be like a travel/cooking/cannonball run type thing.
- Send them to a prison and have them cook for the inmates and whoever loses the quickfire gets shanked.
- Get rid of Gayle Simmons. She’s useless!
OK, now after the jump – WHO LOST!
Elmo says wow Katy! Jeffrey Dahmer says 27 oz
The world is safely insane. Someone has calculated the weight of various breast sizes: A cup = 8oz, B cup = 12 oz, C cup = 21 oz, D cup = 27 oz. This is either menu planning for a Jeffrey Dahmer type or Anorexic body weight calculation at the extreme end. We have a thing about breasts in Western Culture. Some woman out there reading this is wondering if it’s acceptable that her breasts weigh less than the Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte she had this morning and we all know that men stopped listening when breasts were mentioned and started clicking on the links. Because of the breast taboo it’s rare that either gender has ever seen more than ten sets of (NSFW UNLESS YOU ARE A DOCTOR) normalized breasts while we’ve all seen a plethora of sexualized breasts. It’s no wonder that women are getting squeezed by push-ups, plumped by padding, augmented by silicone implants and worst of all airbrushed.
File photo of photo
So, as the world slips into WW3, TSG asks the tough questions. Will Friends make a comeback; will Huge Jackman ever learn how to act; and will the Simpsons once again establish itself as prime target for people wearing tin foil hats after the third world war? And, which country is going to come out on top with the best celebrities – once this world has been reduced to a smoldering lump of coal? Will Fu Fan Fuk from China be A list material, or will it be Gorbunchevifcuv Dorenishich from Russia? Who will take on the lead role in the new Friends (in the future to be shown on USSR TV 1) and out of the 150 million Chinese left, who will be able to imitate Matt Groening in the New New Super Simpson (are there even any freemasons in China?)
It’s pretty clear that such a world would suck so I think it’s pretty responsible to ask the future masters of the entertainment industry the Ruski/Chicoms (no, not the Jews) to please preserve America as some sort of wild life sanctuary (specifically Hollywood and New York) so that real Americans can continue to create such classics as Buffy The Teenage Vampire Slayer and Superman 1 & 2 and X-Men… which the world so desperately needs for inspiration.
So please, our future overloads, help us help you by protecting the US entertainment industry (that includes pornography).
Editor’s Note: Ballsack is 100% fucking crazy and I am terrified to change anything he writes cause I think he knows where I live.
RawR Cornmeal is a LOL Kitteh
This is more a tribute to Cornmeal than a WTF photo. See I write about cranberries and other strange things and I have a lot of fun writing them but I envy Cornmeal. He finds just the right photo and says just the right thing and everyone laughs. Face it Paddy’s mother in law in Michigan thought Cranberries were interesting but nobody laughed. Well Acadia did but he’s been laughing maniacally for no reason since he started working on a new design for the front page. So here’s to Cornmeal and here’s to middle aged drunk women at football games. Heck here’s to women in general I love em drunk or sober. You can never tell what they’re going to do.
Go on. You know you want to see the silly photo.