Posts Tagged ‘discovery channel’
Fuck
I was just reading the Internet and found out that Phil Harris, the captain of the Cornelia Marie from the Discovery Channel show Deadliest Catch died at the age of 53. Apparently he had a stroke a couple weeks ago while unloading crab and finally succumbed to it yesterday. (As an aside, Vange thinks she is a good editor? Well, suck on the name of a TV show, a TV Network and a fucking SHIP all on the same sentence. Warm up your italics and what not, Strunk.)
Anyway, Phil was one of my favorite douche bag captains on the show. And they are all douche bags. But he was particularly douchey. Last year or to years ago or whatever he had a blod clot that passed through his heart while he was captaining. So obviously his circulatory system was somewhat compromised. Discovery Channel said this:
“Discovery mourns the loss of dear friend and colleague Captain Phil Harris. He was more than someone on our television screen. Phil was a devoted father and loyal friend to all who knew him. We will miss his straightforward honesty, wicked sense of humor and enormous heart. We share our tremendous sadness over this loss with the millions of viewers who followed Phil’s every move. We send our thoughts and prayers to Phil’s sons Josh and Jake and the Cornelia Marie crew.”
So then does his death count as a statistic about crab fishing? Like, since he was technically involved in crab fishing will they use him as another example of how dangerous it is? I mean, he smoked cigarettes constantly while he was on the show. I think he even smoked when he was asleep. So maybe that’s why it’s so dangerous? Or the drowning? Whatever. They can’t count this as a crab death.
If they did, then you could also say that hospitals are the most dangerous places in the world cause so many people die there and the cause of death for everyone ever would be: heart stopped beating.
So RIP Captain Phil. I hope your kids don’t become fuckoffs. And I also hope you didn’t leave them bankrupt. Cause thinking about it, I’m not sure what kind of life insurance policy a chain smoking crab fisherman could actually get.
You might remember the Discovery Channel Ad from last year where they took people from their shows and made a sweet commercial. It highlighted the channel and what it was about and also highlighted the shows themselves. Well apparently they thought so too cause they made another one. And since there have been about 18 months between the two of them, they must be really hard to make.
The new one is after the jump. Can’t find the original article, but the sentiment still stands. Think about little kids in school and how the world really IS awesome. And don’t screw it up for them. Keep the world awesome as long as you can.
Sheesh Darwin, cheer up. You look like Jack the Ripper.
You know how sometimes you are watching Discovery Channel or History Channel or SyFy and they have a show about looking for mythical creatures? Bigfoot, the chupacabra, the Loch Ness monster and all other shit consumes the imagination of some people. I mean, who wouldn’t want to sit around in the woods for a few weeks waiting for Bigfoot? Or the Jersey Devil? Or some other thing.
Would you be scared? I wouldn’t. Seriously. Bigfoot is like Chewbacca and everyone knows Chewbacca is all kindly and whatnot unless you beat him and space chess. And anyway, if you check with Darwin (remember, this post is about Darwin) it seems like natural selection has left us with just mundane unscary animals. We just have whales and pumas and donkeys and kangaroos. Nothing creepy or scary looking at all. Look through those cute little animals below. How could a world that produces such adorable creatures also produce a chupacabra? It couldn’t. So take a look at the little cuties below. My favorite is the blobfish. I call him Blobby Brady. Thanks for keeping things nice and simple and not scary Mister Darwin!
Dont worry Amanda. That noise you hear under your bed is just me. I dusted for you. Dont' run!
I watched A Haunting in Connecticut and as I turned off the DVD player I felt a sense of disappointment I had not felt since I saw Debbie Gibson naked. I was excited about the movie cause the documentary on the Discovery Channel was intriguing and I thought they would play the move straight. They didn’t and as a result it sucked. The only bright spot in the whole ordeal was that I met Amanda Crew. Who I will marry.
If you want to hear all about the movie and the awesome true story then I have it all after the jump. If you just want to look at Amanda Crew, then you can do that, too. But only look with one eye. Cause she is mine.
The Carmen Electra Jetpack! (Carmen Electra not included).
So I was watching the news this morning and they were talking about how the thing that brings fuel to the Space Shuttle is broken but they need to fix it by Wednesday cause the Shuttle needs to bring some shit up to the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. And then they said that they need to hurry up because the Space Shuttle is getting too old and they are not gonna use it anymore past next year. Which brought up a whole bunch of questions that you people better answer.
- Why do we have to keep calling it the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION? I mean – it isn’t even on the planet. So if someone came from another planet they would be all confused. What’s a Nation? I just see a planet. So they should rename it EARTH STATION ONE.
- Also – I wonder if there is some kind of…admittance policy on who they allow on it. Like, if Norway or Ghana managed to get a rocket up there, would the people on the Space Station let them in?
- The Space Shuttle first launched in 1981 – before we had any of the shit we have now. As far as I can tell, they built it with hammers and wood and those Casio watches that had calculators in them. So no shit it is old, but they managed to build it good enough to fly into space about a million times and only fuck up twice. Not a bad record. But NOW it is too old? I mean, the computer I am typing this on is probably better than all the computers on the whole space shuttle.
- Why did they not have a plan for what was after the shuttle? Like – they had 30 fucking years to think about it. But no -apparently they shot their whole wad back in the 70′s and now all we can do is hitch a ride with the Russians? Lame.
- Why don’t we have a moon base? I can think of like 4 things that I could use a moon base for, and I am not even a real scientist.
- What will the next thing they build be? Cause as far as I can see – they don’t have any more plans. Maybe a giant kite? Robot Underwear? Space…fish?
Overall, I have to say that NASA and the rest of science can suck it. They had years and years and years to figure out how to make an awesome new flying space contraption that would make us all feel cool. But instead, we are just gonna say: well, we built this thing that was way too expensive but hey, it flew into space and came back, so it was totally worth it. But now it isn’t so we will go back to lame ass rockets that we had in the first place. All that shit you saw on the Discovery Channel was a bunch of crap. We are gonna remain lame for at least another 30 years. I checked out the NASA jobs page and they are not even hiring anyone to “come up with an idea that doesn’t suck”.
Sigh