Posts Tagged ‘England’
OK, so I know most people think the 90′s were happy times, filled with nothing but Seinfeld and roofies, but there was a dark side to the decade as well. Failed Internet companies, the Atlanta Braves’ pitching staff selling its collective soul to the Devil, the H.O.R.D.E. Tour, all these things represent the 90′s trying to make us sad and scared.
The Prodigy is a fine group of young fellows from England. They have had a very long career and are still making music. And I don’t give a shit about any of that because this video scares me. I know they look sort of normal in the banner pci but I assure you THEY ARE NOT! They are terrible monsters. And I don’t just mean the bald guy and the black guy. Even the other ones. The ones with the sweaters. They scare me now, too. Mostly because until I went looking for a picture I didn’t even know those three normal looking guys were part of the band at all. They might look normal but they are in on it with their monster buddies.
You know how vampires have to have a regular person as a helper? The guy who can go out in the daytime and drive cars and drink soda? That’s who those guys are for The Prodigy. They drink sodas and make the monsters come near me and scare me. How else do you explain a band whose songs only have one verse and chorus that they repeat over and over again? That’s not how the Indigo Girls do it. Or Lisa Loeb! Or Chris Isaak! Because they aren’t monsters and they don’t want to kill me with their weird Britishness and creepy eyes and faces. After reading the lyrics, the song might be about Nintendo, though. So I guess the moral is to not let British monsters into your house to play Nintendo, even if they have normal looking people who come over in the daytime and ask nice.
Just shoot any British motherfuckers who come near you.
And just in case you think I’m racist, the black guy is scarier. Video and lyrics after the jump. .
The woman in the center of this picture is Queen Mary (1867-1953). The picture was taken in 1945. Who gives a shit? Well, I guess the same people who care that Prince William is marrying Kate Middleton. Why are these pictures special in any way? Well, this is the first time anyone on the Internets has ever seen them cause I just scanned them out of this old album I acquired. On the back of each one is a stamp from the army declassifying it “for personal use” and specifically “not for publication”. Well screw you, limeys! I’m publishing them!
Who was Queen Mary? Allow me to bullet point you, commoner peasant.
- She was the Queen Consort of the United Kingdom and the British Dominions, and Empress of India. You were not. Nor will you ever be. I don’t think that India even has an empress anymore. What do they have? Who is the president of India? I have no idea. But I would know if they had an Empress. Think about it, India.
- She was the Duchess of York (like Fergie) and the Princess of Wales (like Diana). However, these titles seem to have not caused her to become a tubby ginger drunk or a two-timer. Granted, her husband was two-timing her, but exactly how was I supposed to feel sorry for the FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND who left her husband to date A BILLIONAIRE? Seriously. I didn’t want Princess Diana dead, but it isn’t like she had to leave Prince Charles and get a job at Stuckeys.
- She was the Queen from 1910 until her husband (George V) died in 1936. Incidentally, her husband “may” have died as a result of his doctor injecting him with cocaine and morphine. Medicine sucks now. But that meant she was the Queen during all of World War I, which I assume means she had to wear armor and hide in a castle. Or, if HBO is right about British Royalty, get boned 400 times day.
- She is Queen Elizabeth II (the current Queen)’s grandmother. Which makes her Prince William‘s great great grandmother. I would be willing to bet that she never wore a pair of pants in her life.
- She had a big ass ship named after her that is now a hotel in Long Beach, CA. It is rumored to be haunted. There are no ships named after you.
- The pics themselves seem to be her getting in a car in front of some castle, and then attending some kind of game (which sort of seems to be in front of the same castle).
- The closest you will get to this experience is if you let someone drive you from one end of your driveway to the other while your friends play wiffle ball.
One of a kind, never before seen royalty pics after the jump!
I managed to get the time to stop blinking on the DVR. Now on to World Peace!
It turns out that England’s Royal Family is a lot like us. They’ve joined Facebook where their page features news and pictures of Queen Elizabeth II and her family. Clarence House, that’s the residence of the Prince of Wales, even has us following the Royals on Twitter. It was said that the late Queen Mum was the last Royal to have her toothpaste put on the brush by her servants but I’m sure there are pixies that maintain Facebook and Twitter for the Royals.
It shouldn’t be said that the Queen isn’t tech savvy though. She sent her first e-mail in 1976 long before most of us even thought of having a computer and she owns the very latest Blackberry and an iPod. It’s said that she watched the Beatles movie The Yellow Submarine three times she liked it so much. Do you suppose she has the Beatles on her iPod along with Handel and other tasteful classical music? …
Broken Hearts, Pariahs, Soft Casts and Fear of Masks at the WORLD CUP OF TIES!!
I was told by Acadia that if this goes over well he will give me two tickets to South Africa for next week’s games so I have a lot of content for you! (ed note – I lied)
Awesome photo timeline of David Beckham’s journey from happy to diabolically angry during US vs. England from Saturday.
Since we’re on the Beckham subject, allow me to speak on him for a bit, as everyone I talk to about the Cup that doesn’t care about soccer asks about him. I presume that this is because of his marriage to skeletal Victoria Beckham and his foray into the MLS/America. Here’s my take: being a famous soccer player in England is almost a job that no one would ever take unless they love insane attention and thrive on immense pressure. David Beckham is/was one of those guys, at one point being one of the top searched names on the internet in the early 2000′s.
Beckham started out in the mid 90′s in England playing for Manchester United at 17 years old and in that time the team won 6 Premier League titles, 2, FA Cups and 1 Champions League. Because of this, England became giddy with him while also salivating at the prospect of taking him down (something about self loathing as a country/our culture wishing to build famous people up and then destroy them for daring to be famous in the first place). He got married to Posh, started modeling and it appeared that he flew a bit to close to the sun, culminating with him getting red carded (or fouling out) of the 1998 World Cup, which turned him from God to Devil. England hung effigies of him outside pubs, issued death threats, taunted him at games and the tabloids printed up a picture of him in dartboard form with the bulls-eye being the center of his face.
After all that, wouldn’t YOU begin to lose your care and passion about the sport you play? It’s no wonder why Beckham is now seemingly more into trying to make friends with Tom Cruise and setting up a post soccer career of being famous for nothing. He still cares (diabolically, as that picture montage above shows) about his homeland, but a part of him probably feels that as cool as it is to go to the game, it feels so much better to get a modeling contract based upon how swank he looked in his England 3-piece suit.
More songs about orange uniforms, own goals, ties and North Koreans:
The “Group of Death” Started and got off to a semi-whimper, with Ivory Coast and Portugal playing to a 0-0 tie. Didier Drogba did not start, but came off the bench, wearing a cast on his arm. ESPN, always loving the entertainment factor did the “OMG let’s look at Ronaldo” piece, which is why I believe they hired Chris Connelly. Here’s the Ronaldo run down – scores goals, sleeps with Kardashians and Hiltons, gelled up hair, proud to be on the Portugal team. No mention of dramatically falling and pretending he was fouled, but, you know, culture of celebrity and all. Also it’s hard to root for Drogba and the Ivory Coast when they look like creamsicles.
It's not polite to point
Since most of you don’t like in Britain, you probably are not up on British fashion. Well, worry no longer. I am here to keep you up to date on the fashion trends of our little floating friends to the east. And right now, it’s pointy bras! According to some British bra scientist:
‘Conical bras have 48 technological components to help create that 1950s silhouette.’
This is why women need to stop complaining that they have it tougher than men. You have 48 technical components. What do guys have? Some socks stuffed into their pants? That spray-on hair? All you British women with your pointy boobs should be helping your soccer hooligan men out by poking them with your pointy boobs. They’ll appreciate it, and it might keep them from trying to burn you at the stake for being a witch. Or it may make them more likely. I’m no sociologist of England.
Researchers at the University of Sussex have discovered that cats use a “soliciting purr” to overpower their owners and garner attention and food.
No shit? Continue.
The team said cats have “tapped into” a human bias – producing a sound that humans find very difficult to ignore.
Interesting. Please, elaborate on this “new” knowledge.
“He would wake me up in the morning with this insistent purr that was really rather annoying,” Dr. McComb told BBC News.
“After a little bit of investigation, I discovered that there are other cat owners who are similarly bombarded early in the morning.”
So, you’re telling me, that cats have developed this way of communication with the outside world in a way that will get them things? My whole world just got rocked. Now, hey, this is only a research project on the purrs, imagine what kind of shit they will uncover when they start to research cats scratching things.