Posts Tagged ‘handy tips’

Please disregard the four gallons of water and the rubber gloves. They are part of a very different, sexier project.

You know what cool people do on Saturday when it’s 95 degrees outside?  Me either.  So I’m gonna take my computer apart.  Why?  Well, apart from the fact that your mom  is out of town and I’m bored, I just remembered that I put an extra hard drive in there like a year ago but didn’t have the right wire or some gay shit so I just closed it back up and forgot about it.

So going to Best Buy and getting some weird wire and then coming home and ruining my sweet computer seems completely logical to me.  I’m pretty handy, you know.  One time I fixed my car by buying another different car and years ago I repaired a rocky relationship by moving to another state.  So my working plan is this.

1. Get the pdf of the manual for my computer (in case I fuck something up).
2. Go to Best Buy.
3. Buy the wire I need as well as some other crap that I don’t understand.  Maybe a gyronad or USB underwear would go nicely with my new system.
4. Get some of those super organized looking cable ties that are all color coordinated and make myself think that I’m going to use them.  This feeling will last until later in the project.
5. Come home and recklessly yank all wires out of my computer, making sure that my workspace is dark and cramped.
6. Go to my tool box and get ONE screwdriver without looking at the computer at all.  I will make sure to not bring the tool box with me so that if I need something else I will have to go back to the tool box while muttering.  Step six may be repeated up to 11 times.
7. Start unscrewing screws with no heed whatsoever paid to whether or not they seem to be pertinent to opening the computer.  This may include struggling with a bolt on the bottom of the case that, when finally removed (by using a hammer and an M-80) does not seem to have been holding anything to anything.
8. Put all screws in some sort of container that will later be spilled like the lug nuts in A Christmas Story.  These screws will also be painfully stepped on later as for some reason computer tinkerin’ requires bare feet.
9. After taking 99.9% of all removable parts off of the case, I will try to slide it open by making some weird, mounting maneuver that will look awkward and sound like a robot giving birth to another larger robot.  The .01% of screws remaining will slow this process down, so I make sure to yank extra hard!
10. Sit on floor wondering why I took my computer apart and if I have any important emails.
11. Go to car and get the bag of stuff I bought at Best Buy.  Up to two hours of TV, sandwiches and video game playing may elapse between steps 10 and 11.
12. Marvel at how much dust is inside computer and wonder what my lungs look like.  Make mental note to buy a Swiffer.
13. Realize that the act of buying a bunch of things that may fit in a computer in no way makes me qualified to actually put them in there properly.  I remember at this point that once I bought a stethoscope and one of those reflector head bands at a yard sale but they didn’t make me a doctor.
14. I then refer to the pdf manual that I cleverly made sure I had in step 1.  When I don’t find it I realize that step 1.5: “Print the fucking thing” would have been good.
15. Dick around with the stuff I bought, poking this thing into that thing and seeing if it fits.  It’s like having sex but with more sharp metal than I usually like.
16. “Wrap it up” by sliding the computer part back into the other part and start putting screws in.  In order to avoid corny “screws left over” joke I throw the first three screws I pick up away.
17. Look at the cable ties and then look at the power strip under the desk.  I decide to reach for one plug that looks extra tangly to start my neatening project.
18. Unplug the only light in room.
19. Go out to eat.
20. Come back and get light plugged back in.  As the wire neatening seems ridiculous now (why wouldn’t I need to lift up my router if I want to put on my headphones?) I wrap cable ties around my fingers and pretend I am a brightly colored finger monster.
21. Turn on computer by poking the 1/3 of the power button that is actually visible through the front of the case.  Somehow the whole front of the machine looks like an elevator that stopped two feet short of the floor.  The CD drive button is nowhere to be found.  The CD drawer thingy itself is mindlessly bonking itself against the inside of the front part.  It does this until I smell smoke.  Then it stops and I’m fine with it.
22. Confirm that the pdf manual is on the desktop and that my new hard drive is still not in any way recognized by the computer.
23. Check email (none). 
24. Erase all memory of any of the first 23 things ever happening so I can repeat the process without prejudice a year from now.
25. Get Windows warning that disk is almost full.  Regretfully delete old episodes of Wipeout from Tivo folder, thus freeing a million Gigs.  Go to sleep.

According to this email we got, ladies should be using wasp spray instead of pepper spray to ward off menacing thugs (and presumably wasps):

Good idea… If you’ve ever used wasp spray for wasps, you’ll know that it shoots at least up to twenty feet. Guys, tell your women.

I have a friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area who was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the offering. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp

Elf Girl is not concerned about being attacked by humans.

spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn’t attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use.

Now, I am no expert in the ways of personal defense, but anytime that an email starts out with “Guys, tell your women.” I figure it must be important.  So I would strongly reccomend carrying around a big ass can of wasp spray with you whereever you go.  Here’s a few reasons not mentioned in the email:

1. If the benefit is that you can shoot someone from 20 feet away, then pretty much you can just start blasting anyone who looks suspicious.  In fact, I think that’s the only way it would work.  Cause in real life, I don’t think people pop up like they do in those Police training things.  Like, where one thing pops up and it’s a guy with a scar holding a knife and then the next one pops up and it’s a woman holding a baby.  If you are a busy woman on the go, you can’t take the time to make those kinds of snap decisions.  So just hold the can in front of you and spray it at all times.
2. When the can inevitably empties, hitting someone with it will still hurt.
3. If you work at an office where having a big ass can of wasp spray on your desk attracts less attention than a little thing of pepper spray, then you probably work someplace awesome (or infested with wasps).
4. I don’t think there is any such thing as ‘wasp spray antidote’.  If there were, the wasps would have found out about it by now.
5. You cannot kill wasps with pepper spray.

I am mighty!

This was written by Becky Ransey of Indiana (a doctor’s wife), and I want to share it with you. She was over recently for coffee and smelled the bleach I was using to clean my toilet and counter tops.

This is what she told me:

I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little ole bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store.

What does bleach cost?

My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don’t tell you about peroxide. Have you ever smelled bleach in a doctor’s office? NO!!! Why? Because it smells, and it is not healthy! Ask the Nurses who work in the doctor’s offices , and ask them if they use bleach at home. They are wiser and know better! (Editor’s Note – WTF is with number 5?)

Did you also know bleach was invented in the late 40′s? It’s chlorine, folks! And it was used to kill our troops. Peroxide was invented during WWI in the 20′s. It was used to save and help cleanse the needs of our troops and hospitals.

Please think about this:

• Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe.) No more canker sores, and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash.
• Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of peroxide to keep them free of germs.
• Clean your counters and table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the  counters.
• After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
• I had fungus on my feet for years until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
• Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day . My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
• Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
• Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, plugged sinus. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes, and then blow your nose into a tissue.
• If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
• And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the 50/50 solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through.  You will not have the peroxide-burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages but more natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty blonde.  It also lightens gradually, so it’s not a drastic change.
• Put half a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils fungus, or other skin infections.
• You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing pour it directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
• I use peroxide to clean my mirrors.. There is no smearing, which is why I love it so much for this.

I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be without!  With prices of most necessities rising, I’m glad there’s a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner!