Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’
My neighbor. She wants me.
I decided it was time to share my infinite man wisdom. Women just don’t get it and I’m going to clue them in. Also, boobs.
- Men are NOT mind readers.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. I’m going to start complaining now, though.
- Sunday sports: it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just fucking say it!
- “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
One day in Canada, a polar bear was walking down the street to get some free health care and a “snooty attitude” booster shot when he met something he had never seen before! As he turned a corner he was lost in though, pondering about how spelling the word “check” with a Q was perhaps the most awesome thing ever, he ran smack into some American sled dogs.
The dogs were in Canada cause they were under the impression that all Canadian girl dogs were slutty and they wanted some action. But when they ran into the giant bear they got confused. This bear was the same color as everything else in Canada (white). American bears had the decency to be a different color than their backgrounds except for brown bears who hide in piles of leaves and black bears who hide in space or the backs of closets. But this Canadian bear was frigging humongous and hard to see and the dogs were skert.
The bear, baffled as to why these dogs were so much louder and more freedom-filled than Canadian dogs, smacked their leader on the noggin. But just as it seemed like there was going to be a big fight, a little something called: “love” happened. See, the giant Canadian bear was looking at the little American dog and thinking: I am so superior to this feisty, noisy thing. I can be friends with it and feel all superior.
At the same time, the American dog was looking at the giant Canadian polar bear and thinking: this big dummy can’t hurt anyone. If it is so tough, how come it needs camouflage? I can be friends with it and feel superior. So maybe it wasn’t love, but rather mutual patronization but whatever, they are still friends.
The pics proving that the polar bear and the dog were friends and hugged and kissed and stuff are after the jump (seriously). And I will also throw in the only polar bear joke I know!
Freedom extends to Douchebags. Sorry, Douchebag Haters
So the following joke gets entered into Freedom of Speech cause I realized that I get a crap ton of emails bitching about illegal immigrants. I don’t know why, exactly. I mean, what’s the big deal? Apparently these guys are stealing our jobs, stealing our money and, according to this joke, getting free hookers. If this joke is true, then I am officially anti illegal immigration.
Everyone should have to pay. Not just me. Oh, and by the way – please note that the way you can tell the person in the joke is an immigrant is because he speaks in ‘broken’ English and says “I pay” instead of “I will pay”. Stupid immigrants! Joke after the jump.
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
‘Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint, and we’re Jewish,’ she asks, ‘Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says: ‘No, I don’t think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?’
‘Osama Bin Laden,’ she says.
‘Why Osama Bin Laden?’ her father asks in shock.
‘Well,’ she says, ‘I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.’
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. ‘Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.’
And Melissa replied:
Do you love the tags still on? Very naughty Minnie Pearl, no?
I woke up to ice and snow today and it is beeeeeyewteeful! But! I have to go to work and driving in it and walking in it makes me less happy. So I cranked the heat to 83 and put on my bikini. This really isn’t working for me. Not for nothing, but February is when swim wear hits the stores and I am excited to shop! Maybe I should play hooky from work and go to the mall. I wonder if I would appreciate this winter weather more from a Mexican beach. Hmm. I have no money and no vacation time.
After realizing that, let’s just say I have taken heed of a few requests for “mor boobs” and I aim to please. And then I found this joke and figured it was good for a snowy Thursday.