Posts Tagged ‘Love’
It’s Valentine’s day and you don’t have a date? Don’t worry; the Superficial Gallery is here to help correct your solitary existence. Relationships still need work but we’re going to help by weeding out the ten biggest mistakes made by the lovelorn.
Later they would hook up at the party. The other people at the party said: Hey. Um...use Jake's parent's room...
You may have seen him on Comedy Central. Wait past the intro. And definitely wait until he says: “Love like a real life porn minus all the stuff that makes porn cool”. I think it’s great that 17 year olds can be that funny.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’
Put that candy down! It’s time for facts!
- At 72 beats per minute, the human heart beats 37,843,200 times a year. When you get excited, your heart rate goes up. So that number will go even higher. So think about your poor heart and all the shit it has to do and how your heavy petting is just making it worse. – But…
- If you decide to throw caution to the wind, you may as well go big. And what better way to show your loved one that you appreciate them than by giving them something that will make them fat. Yep. Candy means love. I recommend the Worlds Largest Hershey’s Kiss. It’s 12 feet tall, and weighs in at 30,540 pounds. Just imagine the joy on your Valentine’s face as they hear the *BEEP BEEP BEEP* of the truck as it backs up your driveway. If you both eat it all, then you will both be so fat that neither of you will think you can get anyone else, which means you will be together forever. Or…
- You could go traditional and just get little sissy candy, which leaves time for other presents. Like flowers. And since that whole “It’s the thought that counts” thing is crap, you need to get something rare. Like the Baseball Plant. Not only is it rare, but they can only make new Baseball Plants if you have a boy one and a girl one, which will make your Valentine think about gettin’ it on. Plus, it has ‘ball’ in the name. So…
- Since the candy and flowers fed the motor, it’s time to grease the wheels. You have to take your date out somewhere (depending on how much you want to impress, use this handy guide): No Fork (McDonald’s), Plastic Fork (KFC – Sporks count), Metal Fork (Friday’s, a Diner), More than one Metal Fork (Any place that doesn’t have one of those triangle things advertising desserts on the table). Perhaps you should try: The Borg Hotel in Iceland which admittedly works best if you are already in Iceland. Then…
- It’s time to get things really amped up. You need to take your date back to your place in a cool car. I recommend an old Volkswagen Beetle. You need to be close to each other and the Beetles are small. If you feel the need to make conversation you can bring up the fact that Hitler had Porsche design it so all his people could have an affordable car. That’s not very romantic, but it won’t matter, cause you can’t hear anything in the damn things anyway. Which brings us back to the Heart.
- The heart of a Blue Whale is roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. That means that you can use all sorts of lovey-dovey analogies about how the love you have in your heart is bigger than a Blue Whale’s heart and that unlike blue whales you have hands with which to make needlessly rough and desperate graps at your date’s genitals. Which Brings Us To…
IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT SEX WHICH MIGHT BE A LOT OF BULLSHIT
As a whole, 2008 was a pretty good year for me musically. I got to go to Pitchfork Music Festival which, as I mentioned before, is a hipster mecca; I saw some amazing acts locally and I heard some fantastic albums. It was also a year of change for my musical tastes. I started to really get into electronic music, which was something I had previously only dabbled in. Hardcore and Metal started to move onto the back-burner and were replaced by Folk-Punk as my angry music of choice, and my focus shifted from the quirky fun of twee pop to expressive and powerful musical prowess of post rock and math rock. Here is my list of top records, which may or may not represent the statements above.
Top 5 Records of 2008:
5 Girl Talk- Feed the Animals
4 Lil’ Wayne- The Carter III
3 Frank Turner- Love, Ire and Song
2 Fleet Foxes- S/T
The Dodos- Visiter
Top 5 Singles of 2008:
5 Architecture in Helsinki- Like it or Not
4 Gym Class Heroes- Cookie Jar
3 Frank Tuner- Long Live the Queen
2 Lil’ Wayne ft Bobby Valentino and Kidd Kidd- Mrs Officer
1 The Dodos- Red and Purple
Top 5 groups or artists I discovered in 08 that I feel silly for waiting this long to find and love:
5 The Pipettes
4 Lil Wayne
3 Elf Power
2 Blueprint
1 Frank Turner