Posts Tagged ‘movie review’
Above all else, don't let them get to the cars!
Vin Diesel looks like a potato. Occasionally he escapes from his trainer and looks like a doughy potato. I don’t want to like Vin Diesel. I want to make fun of Vin Diesel. He’s a cartoon with that shaved head, beefy body, and deep movie voice. Dam you Vin Diesel for making films and characters that I like. Have you seen him in Boiler Room? The man can even act without wearing a wife beater and covered in theatrical grime. He’s going to bring back Riddick and he’s a fan of Dungeons and Dragons. How can you hate an actor like that?
Fast Five is the fifth in the Fast and Furious franchise. There’s nothing complicated going on here; If you walk out of the theater entertained it’s a success. None of the cast expects an Oscar and nobody expects the fast cars, big chases and wrecks to follow the laws of physics. As long as it looks good on screen and the original cast appears we’re going to be happy. It’s what you want in the Fast and Furious.
ACTION, ACTION, ACTION, EYECANDY, EYECANDY, EYECANDY, IT’S IN 3D! ZOMBIES, LOOK THERE ARE ZOMBIES, IT’S IN THREEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEE!
Alice is back. The Umbrella Corp has turned the world into flesh eating zombies and the opening box office guarantees there’s going to be a sequel. Resident Evil: The Franchise is harder to kill than a mutated Doberman.
What are we going to do with the movies? According to the New York Times attendance this summer was the lowest since 1997. Box office isn’t hurting, the theaters are charging more for tickets and they’ve figured out they can charge a premium for gimmicks like 3-D. I’d despair if Hollywood wasn’t all about the money. If the money starts drying up the executives in charge will fire a few of their pet puppets and start looking at more creative directors like Robert Rodriguez.
I can’t think of any movie more suitable to kick of my Superficial Gallery movie reviews than Machete. This homage to violent low budget ’70′s exploitation flicks has an ironic sense of humor about itself that just wasn’t found in the more conventional summer movies like The Expendables. That and there’s nudity, lots of nudity. Jessica Alba gets some artful skin exposure and, in what has to be an intentional in joke, Lindsay Lohan gets a great looking body double. If you’re disappointed about not getting full frontal Lohan don’t worry, she gets a scene where she gets to blast away at everything that moves dressed as a nun.
There's something strange...in their neighborhood.
S
Stupid Girl. You should have gone to the mall. Nobody sees ghosts at the mall.
o I watched Paranormal Activity this past weekend and I realized that even though I was psyched to see it, I still wanted to punch it in the face when I was finished with it. But not for the reason you’d think. I don’t think I am mad at it because it is a fairly decent horror movie that someone made for cheap. I am mad that it is a fairly decent horror movie that you and I could have made for less than eleven thousand dollars and it would not have become some big sensation. Cause it isn’t THAT good.
Is it good at all? Well, I guess it depends on if you liked Blair Witch Project. If you did, then you will like this. If you didn’t you probably won’t like this. If anyone tells you that they are not alike, take that person’s eye and bite it. Hard. They are lying. If you changed the house into some woods, and the two people in this movie into three people it would be the same movie.
So why did everyone get such a boner for this movie? I really don’t know. There are a couple of good shock scares in it, but the ending (whether the theatrical version or the original) is stupid. The acting itself is good and I read that the director wanted to really make it seem home made in case some studio bought it and wanted to pretend it was real. And maybe THAT’S my problem with it.
See, I don’t care how shitty the camera work is, or how ‘real’ the acting and dialogue is (apparently there was not much of a script so they would ad-lib and seem natural) nobody would ever believe this is real. Why? Because: SPOILER ALERT - Spoiler after the cut!
I have worked with Woody Allen. And I have big jugs. No wonder I'm famous!
I was gonna wait until I finished watching the movie to write the review, but then I realized that however the story comes out, my opinion is not going to change. And since I do my reviews in bullet list format, all I have to do is leave this open and keep making bullet points!
By the way – I rented this from the Big Red Box at *Harris Teeter. If you have one of those Big Red Boxes in your supermarket – get your DVD’s from there. It rules. Anyway – on to the show!
- It looks neat. Like how some of it is black and white and some of it is color. Like Sin City but not as much.
- They introduce all the main characters in like, the first 5 minutes, which I liked. I hate waiting for the villain to show up.
- The villain is Samuel L. Jackson who is filming movies more days a year than he isn’t.
- His name is the Octopus, which is stupid.
- I don’t know who plays The Spirit, but I doubt he will be very famous for very long.
- Eva Mendes is in it and I haven’t been paying attention so I don’t know if she is bad or good or in between but she does show her ass so bonus!
- Scarlett Johansson lets her tits do the talking for most of the movie. And that’s actually good, because the things they give her to say are pretty stupid.
- At least two main characters dress up like Nazi’s.
- The fat guys are funny.
- There is a cat in the movie.
- The Nazi’s sure were good at stagecraft. <–this is not out of context.
- Belly Dancers don’t make scary killers.
- The movie definitely does not take itself very seriously.
- HA! The Belly Dancer’s name is Plaster of Paris.
I could get more money put in my coin slot down there than my movie made! LOL
OK – now I am getting bored. I am not invested in anything except Scarjo’s villain boobs. They need to do something fast!
- The Spirit is a horndog?
- There is an annoying lady cop.
- It has an old timey plane in it. Like, not just a prop plane, but an old timey kind.
- I assume they are looking to have it open for a sequel, but I don’t see that happening. I heard it did shitty. Then again, they make sequels of shitty movies all the time. Like, the next DVD I have to watch is Underworld 3 and it doesn’t even have Kate Beckinsale in it. For fuck’s sake – why else would you watch an Underworld movie? Well, I guess technically I am going to find out.
*Harris Teeter is my local grocery store. You know how there are always a few in your town. The really good one, the ok one and the one that you would only go to if they had a wicked sale on something that came in a can? Well, Harris Teeter is my OK one, I think. The really good one is not near enough to me to have me drive there just to get a red frigging box. What am I, Mister Drive Around?
And that’s my review of The Spirit!
Ayelet Zurer - heroine of the movie. She sort of looks like a really hot dude.
No shit – I really did go see it. And since I am awesome at everything, movie reviewing should be a snap. So here we go! Oh – and no spoilers in my reviews, what if you want to go see it? I don’t ruin things. I’m a good guy.
The movie is based on the book of the same name by Dan Brown. He wrote the DaVinci code and is an expert of taking a few true things, mixing them up with a bunch of fake things, and then putting them all together in a sort of printed crack. Or I guess coke is a better analogy. Like, you might not go out of your way to find a Dan Brown book. But if you read one page, you are not gonna stop until the whole goddamn thing is gone.
The movie, on the other hand, can’t be bothered with picking every little detail out. So if you are looking for a faithful re-enactment of the book on screen, you are gonna have to settle for Ron Howard’s hot gist. He changes some stuff around, does the kinds of things that people other than Peter Jackson have to do when they moke books into movies, and comes out with a nice little chaser of a movie.
See, on one side you have the Catholic Church in all its mysterious glory. And on the other side, you have science, which doesn’t even get a capital letter, but DOES have atom bombs and vaccines. So it’s a pretty good fight. And, since it’s Dan Brown, you get to learn a lot about European architecture and such. It’s like National Treasure but with stuff that’s a lot older and 100% less Nic Cage. Instead we get Tom Hanks and ‘symbologist’ Robert Langdon, who uses his expertise in reading gibberish to solve ancient clues to bring people to a non revelation.
And in this installment we get to drag out the symbol on the back of the one dollar bill (not the eagle, you dopes, the other ones) the masons, the Illuminati, no Adam Weisshaupt, no submarines and not one mention of Hagbard Celine. But we do get Gallileo, Bernini, and lots of inside info on the Vatican. So it is sort of a good trade, but I think that the main problem is that Ron Howard listened to everyone bitching about the DaVinci Code too much. They said there was too much talking in that one. So in this one, they still talk, but they run and drive around at the same time, and it is harder to absorb all the Roman awesomeness.
And since I need to invent a rating system like, now, I am going to use this.
- $10.00 Movie – the highest rating- go see it in the theater now!
- $5.00 Movie – wait til it shows up at the old lady/poor people theater.
- $3.00 Movie – wait for the DVD and get it from the Red Box at the grocery store.
- $0.00 Movie – wait til it is on FX.
Angels and Demons is a $5.00 movie. You don’t need to run and see it now – but once it goes cheap – it would be worth it to see it on the big screen.