Posts Tagged ‘Natalie Portman’
About three weeks ago my friend Kristin said I absolutely had to see Thor. Kristin is the kind of person that dresses up for cons and can have an enthusiastic five minute conversation about whether the guy with the bow and arrow is actually Hawkeye. (It is) Well, I thought to myself, anyone who’s taken a photo of themselves behind a Mickey Mouse waffle must know how to have fun. Seventy eight percent of the critics at Rotten Tomatoes agreed with her. Then came the clincher; Roger Ebert hated Thor. How could I possibly not go to a movie Ebert hated?
So begins the saga of Thor. Banished to the realm of Earth and pure of heart I set out only to be thwarted at every turn. On the epic voyage to the Station of Gas the gods of Oil robbed me of my ticket gold and then I had an encounter with the villainous Man from Porlock who called and talked too long on the phone before being laid low with an evil curse that left me in bed sick. The bald truth is that the Mom and Pop movie theater I go to has cut down to a three day a week schedule and you’re SOL if you can’t go then. If you include the stale popcorn a family of five can blow a hundred bucks at the movies. The mobile food bank draws a crowd but the theater is empty. How am I going to get through this depression if the movie theater closes? Netflix will not be enough!
Hello, I am your local ghost. You may or may not know me but you will be able to contact me via the local WhitePages™ under “G”. But please, I don’t accept reverse charges, I can’t, I haven’t got any pockets to put cash in to pay the bills and I don’t like PayPal. But, I am a friendly ghost and once I figure out how to carry things I will accept reverse call charges and give candy out on the darkest of street corners or in parks. Humans love candy!
Services I can provide upon mutual agreement by telephone are numerous. Table cloth moving, creaking door sounds, windows slamming shut, floating lights, randomly opening and shutting doors and scaring cats and dogs, I am more than capable of. However, I only work the night shift and I won’t do day shift; the Local 127, Ghosts and Wizards Amalgamated Union is pretty tough about these things.
File Photo: Me moving a dirty tablecloth. All part of the service!
File Photo: Natalie Portman attempting to be a ghost. She is not a ghost. Don’t call her for your local ghost needs.
This website is free for everyone. Not just Chubbies.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this post but that Free for Chubbies ad has been sitting on my desktop for a while (don’t judge me) so I decided to put together some terribly inappropriate but still funny ads from the olden times. I guess people long for the good old days when men wore hats and women apparently wore whatever the men told them to wear. My favorites are the smoking ones. I’ll never forgive you sissies for making me quit. So much hate.
So the ads got me thinking about the 50′s and 60′s and trying to figure out if they were as cool as old people say they were but then I got distracted and found this old school website and now I am all messed up.
First of all, it says it was updated last year, but it has that primary color left justified awesomeness that just screams 90′s. And it is someone using Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire as a teaching tool.
Heh – tool.
Anyway, Someone named Mr. Allsop made a video for the song. And fuck me if each verse isn’t about a specific year. IN ORDER! I always thought it was a bunch of random crap shoved altogether. Well, I guess it is but it is BY YEAR! Also, Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly were frigging hot and I refuse to learn why there were Belgians in the Congo. But go watch Mr. Allsop’s video and learn something.
Now, why do I have Charlize Theron up there? Well, because I watched a video for a song that is actually from now. Brandon Flowers has this song Crossfire and in the video he has Charlize Theron fighting ninjas. This guy is a goddamn genius. Who doesn’t want to play this scenario out? Like, the guy is all beaten up (probably cause the ninja’s got the drop on him while he was sleeping) and then Charlize Theron comes in and kicks their asses.
Why Charlize Theron? Well, I suppose you could ask why not Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman or someone “younger”. Or you could remember that one time Charlize Theron did this which makes her cooler than any other chick in the universe. So the dude keeps getting captured and she keeps saving him. It’s pretty much perfect. Well, I have two minor quibbles. First, in the second scene, the ninjas would not be fiddling with dials and shit. That’s not what ninjas do. They lurk. They don’t make toast. And second, I don’t care how beaten up I am or how brave and tough Charlize Theron was when she saved me. No fuckin’ way am I letting her drive home. Shit’ll make me nervous.
I don’t usually write about things I see on Top Chef cause I don’t want many people to know I watch Top Chef. I have eaten in fine dining restaurants before but it is not something I am gonna brag about. It is sort of just for people from New York who don’t want to cook at home and use their oven to store clothes. That said, I always watch Top Chef because these fuckers take their shit seriously. At least, they always did, until Natalie Portman showed up and she and Padma Lakshmi turned the whole thing into a dick joke.
Watch the video below starting at 3:50. Or watch the whole thing. I don’t care; it’s the same price. Just check how Padma is so focused on sounding smart about garlic blossoms (for fuck’s sake) that she says something dumb. Then Natalie Portman, who knows so little about food that she has time to act like a doofus, calls her out on it. Then it just keeps going until Tom Colicchio talks and ruins it.
Oh, and the challenge was that they chefs thought they were gonna cook steak but ended up having to cook vegetarian cause Natalie is a douche. Movie after the cut. Watch it. It’s worth it.
I saw someone do this same pose in Vogue. I'm a model!
I came across (not literally) these pics of Heidi Montag posing up a storm in the Bahamas and it occurred to me that not only is she not really famous, she is really only one step away from porn. It’s that banner pic that proves it. Go to the Celebrity Pictures section and check out some of the ladies in there and see if you can find a similar pose. I think Isabella Rosselini has a few, as does Natalie Portman. They know what classy, sexy pics are all about.
I am not 100% sure, but I think the ‘kneel on a beach chair and stick your ass in the camera’ pose was really started in 1963 by Audrey Hepburn. Heidi is following in some really important footsteps. So let’s hope that she parlays this exposure into a spread in Maxim, or Hustler. Or maybe we can hope that she finds out that she is the cure for cancer and that her individual atoms will need to be harvested so that people who don’t shove their asses into cameras can live. We all win no matter what!
I have come from another planet to make women feel badly about themselves.
According to Jessica Biel, her hotness is hurting her movie career. She told Us Magazine:
The actress — whose latest film, Powder Blue, (in which she plays a stripper) is going to straight to DVD — isn’t handed plum roles.
“I’m in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference — but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No.”
Biel, 27, covets the careers of Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman.
Jessica Jessica Jessica. It has NOTHING to do with your face. It is your body. You look like what the guys who write comic books draw as women. Your ass has more muscles than Scarlett Johansson’s whole body. You could use it to break Natalie Portman in half like those Japanese chicks break chopsticks and forks. Face to face, Scarjo and… Natpo are hotter than you. But body wise, they would not come close to you unless they somehow got caught in the same teleporter like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
Nobody is going to give you some serious acting role for the same reason nobody gives them to Wesley Snipes or The Rock or Chyna. Nobody would believe it. EVen that Illusionist movie was a stretch. I saw it and even though you were made up in those old timey gowns you could still see how ripped you were. People in olden times didn’t look like that unless they were a blacksmith or rowed a ship.
To recap – you are not prettier than those other women. You ARE pretty – but not prettier than them. The reason you don’t get serious acting roles is because every move you make accentuates the fact that you are a built like an Olympian. Chicks can see Scarlett and say: she’s a little flabby. Then see Natalie and say: she’s too skinny. But when they look at you, all they can do is look at their man and seethe. So your only chance is to be in movies that chicks don’t want to see. The only other thing I can think of is for you stick your tongue out at every audition. Holy shit, I don’t even think you are real.
After the Jump! Think I was lying about the chicks breaking things with their asses? Well I wasn’t and I have the video to prove it!