Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’
“The ghetto witchdoctor superstar chef is here to make you forget about every cooking show you’ve ever heard.” And so begins the first episode of Cookin’ with Coolio. I guess you can find this online. I pulled up My Damn Channel off the Roku and found Cookin’ with Coolio, the Ghetto Gourmet, too enticing to resist.
He begins with caprese, which is one of the most delicious things I have ever put in my mouth. It is also such a simple dish, one doesn’t really need a recipe and certainly not some rap guy to tell us how to make it. It opens with Coolio arguing with his producer or director or someone. He says he’s gonna teach my ass how to cook. If my chick is a salad eatin’ bitch he gonna show me how to cook to get her panties right off. He proves he can slice a tomato; he likes it thin. He liberally tosses sliced raw white onion on top of the sliced tomato and hollers, “Look good, taste good, smell good, IS GOOD, shackazulu!” He believes caprese is red, white, and green like the Mexican flag. I’m sure this is based on caprese being such a beloved Mexican dish. The best of his lines below:
“BRING YO ASS TO THE TABLE!”
“That taste better’n yo mama tittie.”
“LIBERALLY! Sprinkle it LIBERALLY, asshole!”
“You want all dem flavors to COAGULATE in yo mouf.”
“SHACKAZULU MOTHAFUCKA”
In his second episode, he kidnaps a college kid to teach to cook. Oh gawd, what is this and WHY.
Part two of the premiere picks up with the fallout of the night’s horrendous performance on the Men’s Team. Two chefs down already, tempers are high, and lines are already drawn in the sand.
Daily Challenge
Woken up at 6am by a screaming loud guitar concert, the chef-testants gathered outside for return to basics, and their next challenge. Working in teams of two, they would need to prepare:
- A medium-rare NY strip
- A medium rib-eye
- A medium-well fillet
- A well done burger
Are they up for it? What do you think? It’s 6am. Sparks fly but the men pull it out thanks to Joey, the only one to work alone, who managed to cook his food to perfection.
So we start off with the typical “I’m going to Hell’s Kitchen” response from all the contestants. They board a bus and they drive around the city. They suck champagne. They get hair and makeup done at the Orpheus Theater. There is the sound of a packed house, crowd cheering. Everyone is excited and the curtain goes up. They all then realize:
“Holy crap! I’m in HELL, or rather Chef Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen!
In typical fashion, he starts off his relationship with his new contestants on a high note:
By berating the hell out of them.
“What did you expect? Standing ovations? Really? Resumes mean nothing.”
Yeah, they’re in for it.
The finale of The Voice was tonight. And I fell victim to being a fan instead of an impartial observer. I wanted Vicci Martinez to win. I liked her. I liked her from the beginning. Of course, I knew that Sideways Hat would win. I knew it from the day he auditioned that he was going to win. I think everyone did. And he got to sing with Stevie Nicks in his duet and everyone else sang with some fucks I didn’t know. Stupid show. Look how all the coaches wanted him from the get go!
But I loved Vicci. Poor La Lesbiana. My fave song she did was the Dog Days one (see below). She ran around and did her little hunched over bob thing. I did think she was the best. But she didn’t even come in second! Apparently America hates Little Latina Lesbians. Racist sexist…sizists! Summer Glau came in second. They didn’t say who came in dead last, but I like to think it was White Baldy. She was from Fort Lauderdale and trust me: that place sucks. I don’t have anything against her I guess, but I wanted her to come in last because of the whole Fort Lauderdale thing.
So now I need to wait until winter wondering who the new coaches will be. If the new contestants will be any good. Can I be objective? Can I get someone else to do the recap? Well, one thing I DO knwo is that I will stalk La Lesbiana on her Twitter and her Website. And I will someday see her at a fair or something. Or maybe I’ll go see The Voice concert tour. They have one, you know. How gay would that be? LOL
Skip to 1:30 if you just want to hear the song and not the blabberin’.
My last chance for bullet points. I need to make it count!
- I missed the opening number! What a start!
- The four of them are singing original songs for the final judgement. Mark Burnett is smart.
- Sideways hat guy sand a song called “Stitch by Stitch”. His hat wasn’t all the way sideways. Why would he do that? Doesn’t he understand jinxes?
- Cowboy guy and Summer Glau sang “Won’t Back Down”. They were dressed like the Men in Black. Vange would have been puking listening to someone sing one of St. Tom Petty’s songs. She hates covers. I bet she doesn’t even have blankets in her house she hates covers so much.
- La Lesbiana sang a song I didn’t like but she sang it so great she will win because the other people suck compared to her.
- She didn’t run around and do a war dance. Doesn’t she understand jinxes?
- Drunk Xtina said something – I didn’t pay attention to it. I only want La Lesbiana.
- Cowboy guy said to her: “You insist in being a big deal”. Smartest thing he’s said.
- Xtina can’t keep her jugs in place. I think she’s drunk again.
Shrunken Fat Charles BarkleyCee Lo praised her. Of course he did!- Xtina and White Baldy sang “Beautiful”. They were wrong.
- Summer Glau sang a song that didn’t sound like music. It sounded like feathers ticking my cheeks. I don’t like that.
While it’s a commercial, let me point out that Mark Burnett made a hell of a show. By picking people who could sing from the get go, they set themselves apart. Having the celebs help them instead of rip them was smart. Not dragging it out for 700 months was smart. I can see artists using this as a vehicle to get known to a wider audience or stage a comeback. Maybe they will have Amy Winehouse next time. Or Britney Spears. Or David Lee Roth! Yes!
- Adam Levine and Sideways Hat sang “Man in the Mirror”. He didn’t wear ANY hat! WTF.
- White Baldy is sort of tromping around which she always does. She must believe in jinxes. Good!
- Her song said: “Love sick! Love sick! I’m sick of love!” See what she did there?
- Then she sat down at the piano – bad move. She needs to stomp, not be…Elton John.
- La Lesbiana and Cee Lo are dressed like Lord Humungous’ gang in The Road Warrior and singing “Love is a Battlefield”.
- Cee Lo looks like a fat little genie again. He should seriously consider Kazaam 2!
- I love La lesbiana and want her to win. I might even vote for her. HOW QUEER WOULD THAT BE?
Honestly, I think that sideways hat has it made, but La Lesbiana needs to win. I like her best. The other two can suck it. Suck iiiiit! *spills beer*
I voted! Vote for La Lesbiana! Vicci Martinez1-855-VOICE-02 Or Go here: LINK FOR VOTING
Out of all the shows I watch that make me seem like a sissy instead of the manly hunk that I am, The Next Food Network Star might be the worst of them. Every time I watch it it makes me want to shake everyone involved in it. If you’ve never seen or heard of the show, you are definitely in the majority, but as a nationally accredited recapper, it is part of my duties to explain the show.
If you have ever watched any show on the Food Network other than Good Eats (which is science!) or Iron Chef (which is sports!) then you know the drill. Talk, cook, talk and cook, cook and talk and then take a big bite at the end and say that it’s delicious. This show is about 15 people who want nothing more than to be one of those people. Why I don’t know but who am I to judge? I’m the recapper, that’s who. And I’ll judge all I want!
Here are my initial thoughts. I’m not going to talk much about most of the contestants because honestly when you start out with 15 there is no way you can keep track of them. And since it’s Food Network they are almost exclusively white which makes it pretty much impossible. I’ll just point some highlights out.
- Middle Eastern fat lady with the giant face – please stop talking about how sexy you are. You aren’t. You have a giant face and you make me ill.
- Good looking black guy – I want you to win cuz you look like black Clark Kent, but you are a fumblebutt and you will probably lose.
- Sort of hot blonde chick in the banner picture, you need to stop crying. Nobody is going to let you win if you keep blubbering. And your accent is not Missouri. You sound like a weird alien. So be hot and don’t make your food shitty and you can make it fairly far. If you keep crying it’s not going to go well for you.
- Big bald muscle dude, stop walking around like an ape. Nobody like that.
They eliminated some guy who had a job in radio. He figured that he would have the TV part down but admitted he was a “novice” cook. Strange that he got eliminated the first week. A guy who can’t cook in a competition to win your own cooking show? Crazy. Sort of makes me feel like I should have followed my dream and tried out for “So You Think You Can Dance?”. I don’t really think that but whatever. Apparently if I really believe it I can achieve anything. So if i don’t achieve it, it is because I must not really believe it.
Howie the radio guy must not have believed he could be The Next Food Network Star. He went home. Now there are 14. I hope horse face gets kicked out!