Posts Tagged ‘Scarlett Johansson’

Making Scarlett Johansson our latest “Every Single Picture” means that we will have to keep revisiting her since she isn’t dead and will presumably make more movies.  And as she started so young, the transformation should be pretty cool over time.  Looking are her right now, it’s tough to imagine that she’s been acting for 16 years.  If she doesn’t retire she’ll have a page that’s like a mile long.  And even when she’s old she’ll still look good because, as she once said:

I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don’t want to be an old hag. There’s no fun in that.

Good for you Scarlett.  And also, seems like there must not be all that many really good child actors at any given time cause look – she was in like, every movie in the 90′s.

1994: North

Scarlett Johansson as Laura Nelson in North

1995: Just Cause

Scarlett Johansson as Katie Armstrong in Just Cause

1996: Manny & Lo

Scarlett Johansson as Amanda in Manny and Lo

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Apparently the marriage of Green Lantern’s Ryan Reynold’s and Iron Man’s Scarlett Johansson is over.  According to People Magazine:

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have separated.

I thought about this and tried to figure out how to deal with the tragedy and I finally came to the conclusion that fuck them.  I can’t feel sorry for them.  I really can’t.  I know that heartbreak is heartbreak but seriously fuck them.  What are they stuck with now?  They need to find the SECOND hottest people on the planet to be married to?  They need to sneer at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (click here for her NSFW Butt)?  They need to keep making super hero movies even though THEY ALREADY LOOK LIKE FUCKING SUPER HEROES?

I had a bunch of other really funny shit to say about this but then I got a shitty phone call and am in a bad mood now so make up your own jokes.  Damn those people are hot.

This website is free for everyone. Not just Chubbies.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this post but that Free for Chubbies ad has been sitting on my desktop for a while (don’t judge me) so I decided to put together some terribly inappropriate but still funny ads from the olden times.  I guess people long for the good old days when men wore hats and women apparently wore whatever the men told them to wear.  My favorites are the smoking ones.  I’ll never forgive you sissies for making me quit.  So much hate.

So the ads got me thinking about the 50′s and 60′s and trying to figure out if they were as cool as old people say they were but then I got distracted and found this old school website and now I am all messed up.

First of all, it says it was updated last year, but it has that primary color left justified awesomeness that just screams 90′s.  And it is someone using Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire as a teaching tool.

Heh – tool.

Anyway, Someone named Mr. Allsop made a video for the song.  And fuck me if each verse isn’t about a specific year.  IN ORDER!  I always thought it was a bunch of random crap shoved altogether.  Well, I guess it is but it is BY YEAR!  Also, Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly were frigging hot and I refuse to learn why there were Belgians in the Congo.  But go watch Mr. Allsop’s video and learn something.

Now, why do I have Charlize Theron up there?  Well, because I watched a video for a song that is actually from now.  Brandon Flowers has this song Crossfire and in the video he has Charlize Theron fighting ninjas.  This guy is a goddamn genius.  Who doesn’t want to play this scenario out?  Like, the guy is all beaten up (probably cause the ninja’s got the drop on him while he was sleeping) and then Charlize Theron comes in and kicks their asses.

Why Charlize Theron?  Well, I suppose you could ask why not Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman or someone “younger”.  Or you could remember that one time Charlize Theron did this which makes her cooler than any other chick in the universe.  So the dude keeps getting captured and she keeps saving him.  It’s pretty much perfect.  Well, I have two minor quibbles.  First, in the second scene, the ninjas would not be fiddling with dials and shit.  That’s not what ninjas do.  They lurk.  They don’t make toast.  And second, I don’t care how beaten up I am or how brave and tough Charlize Theron was when she saved me.  No fuckin’ way am I letting her drive home.  Shit’ll make me nervous.

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Sleepy eyes aren't always sexy.

I grabbed a handful of pix from the French Elle photo shoot featuring Scar Jo.  I don’t know who she pissed off that her eye-make is practically non existent, but she must have been a huge bitch to the make-up artist.  I expect to see this on Fug the Cover soon.  And while I don’t, as a rule, find blondes attractive, she is one of the women I believe should be blonde.  She just looks weird and washed out as a brunette.  And forget her as a redhead, omg.  Sarah Jessica Parker is another one who should stick to blonde.  I actually hate the Garnier commercials where she is some weird strawberry blonde or, even worse, a brunette.  Just stoppit, SJP!  You’re not convincing anyone to buy shit when you look anemic and nauseated.

Anyway, I guess Woody Allen isn’t making a movie at the moment, hence she has time to pose for unflattering pictures.  Hell, she didn’t need to go to France for that.  I take plenty of unflattering pix right in my own kitchen.  So I am hoping she gets another arty movie lined up so she can go back to being blonde and shoving her tits into uncomfortable-looking evening gowns.  It is what she does best, really.

This is sounding like I am down on ScarJo when I truly liked Match Point, Lost in Translation and Scoop.  Scoop was actually very awesome in that slow Woody Allen dragging way.  I have always liked it when Woody Allen is in front of the camera, so that is at least part of it.  If you haven’t seen Scoop, put it on your Netflix queue.  It’s worth it,  especially if you have two hours to kill and want it to feel like four.  Okay, it’s poll time.

Help me, stern Scar Jo

 I never made a YTMND before.  I had one made about me before but I don’t think it really caught on…  But I am hoping the one I just made will be a huge success that someone will click, watch for a couple seconds, ask: “Is this all this does?” and then close it.  Which does not sound like much, but if a million people do it then…the guy who owns that site (his name is Max) will get money or something.

Whatever – I did arts and crafts.  I had to edit video and then separate video from audio and all sorts of shit.  So go Click It!

What Other Box You Fart?

Also – Someone named jl45 on the forum at YTMND said that this video should be made into a site.  I am too new and scared over there to say anything, but I agree with him.

I have worked with Woody Allen. And I have big jugs. No wonder I'm famous!

I was gonna wait until I finished watching the movie to write the review, but then I realized that however the story comes out, my opinion is not going to change.  And since I do my reviews in bullet list format, all I have to do is leave this open and keep making bullet points!

By the way – I rented this from the Big Red Box at *Harris Teeter.  If you have one of those Big Red Boxes in your supermarket – get your DVD’s from there.  It rules.  Anyway – on to the show!

• It looks neat.  Like how some of it is black and white and some of it is color.  Like Sin City but not as much.
• They introduce all the main characters in like, the first 5 minutes, which I liked.  I hate waiting for the villain to show up.
• The villain is Samuel L. Jackson who is filming movies more days a year than he isn’t.
• His name is the Octopus, which is stupid.
• I don’t know who plays The Spirit, but I doubt he will be very famous for very long.
• Eva Mendes is in it and I haven’t been paying attention so I don’t know if she is bad or good or in between but she does show her ass so bonus!
• Scarlett Johansson lets her tits do the talking for most of the movie.  And that’s actually good, because the things they give her to say are pretty stupid.
• At least two main characters dress up like Nazi’s.
• The fat guys are funny.
• There is a cat in the movie.
• The Nazi’s sure were good at stagecraft. <–this is not out of context.


I could get more money put in my coin slot down there than my movie made! LOL

• Belly Dancers don’t make scary killers.
• The movie definitely does not take itself very seriously.
• HA!  The Belly Dancer’s name is Plaster of Paris.

OK – now I am getting bored.  I am not invested in anything except Scarjo’s villain boobs.  They need to do something fast!

• The Spirit is a horndog?
• There is an annoying lady cop.
• It has an old timey plane in it.  Like, not just a prop plane, but an old timey kind.
• I assume they are looking to have it open for a sequel, but I don’t see that happening.  I heard it did shitty.  Then again, they make sequels of shitty movies all the time.  Like, the next DVD I have to watch is Underworld 3 and it doesn’t even have Kate Beckinsale in it.  For fuck’s sake – why else would you watch an Underworld movie?  Well, I guess technically I am going to find out.

*Harris Teeter is my local grocery store.  You know how there are always a few in your town.  The really good one, the ok one and the one that you would only go to if they had a wicked sale on something that came in a can?  Well, Harris Teeter is my OK one, I think.  The really good one is not near enough to me to have me drive there just to get a red frigging box.  What am I, Mister Drive Around?

And that’s my review of The Spirit!