Posts Tagged ‘Thanksgiving’
All of the writing staff here at Superficial Gallery are dedicated to their work.
A friend of mine asked recently: “When did you get so disorganized?” I don’t know. If I was organized I’d have made a note of the date and put it in a file that had been carefully labeled with various colored pens. Then I’d do the Sunday Times crossword in ink and pigs would fly. Truth is I remember my own birthday because it’s on a major holiday. If you weren’t born on Christmas or not on that select list of women who are inclined to get naked with me on their birthday I’m likely to forget yours too.
Anyway Cornmeal recently reminded me we’ve been writing here at Superficial Gallery for a year now. I suspect he’s one of those organized guys with colored pens and a file cabinet. He’s also funny and one of the best things about coming here. Superficial Gallery is like Playboy: You check out the cute girls, see what funny stuff has been posted, make sure you’re updated on TV and the Southern Fried Vampires then if you have time you read the articles. I’m the guy who writes those. Sometimes people actually read them. I write some movie reviews too. Nobody reads those which means eventually I’ll be a top rated critic and on Rotten Tomatoes telling the world what movies to watch. It won’t change much, the press pass Acadia gave me will still be drawn in green crayon.
Many common phrases said at Thanksgiving sound wonderfully dirty and I wanted to amuse all the inner 12 year old boys lurking inside you.
“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
Read the rest of this entry »
It's a Thanksgiving Miracle!
Remember Thanksgiving? Well it wasn’t even a whole week ago yet you Communists. We had a contest and it took Vange and I a few days to figure out who the winner was. You can check out the entries here. The winner was loolpooq! Congrats, chief! PM me in the Batcave with your deets and your mousepad will be on it’s way using the cheapest, least reliable shipping method I can find. So if a meth head knocks on your door, answer it!
And speaking of holiday goodness, look at the pic above. That’s a palm tree that started out as a potted plant. And look at it now! As soon as I gave it away it really took off. And speaking of MORE holiday goodness, check out the pics below. Vange found the Batcave gift shop on her travels. I came across some dude who really fucked up either buying his domain or ordering his sign. But I have ot hand it to him. He didn’t quit!
Next Holiday Goodness: Pearl Harbor Day, America Strikes Back!
Let's taunt Charles!
It has long been the custom in our family to have the wishbone pulled by the youngest and the oldest present. This year it was Grandma and Charles, who is going on eight. Charles won, and, with a far-away look in his eyes, fell into a period of silence. One of his aunts prodded him, and asked what he’d wished for. Others pressed the question persistently, and perhaps unfairly. Charles brooded for a moment and then told them. “I wished,” he said, “that I could see a nekkid woman.”
A woman who got it into her head that a fresh turkey produced a far superior meal to a frozen one made a trek out to a turkey farm to buy a live bird. But after returning home and looking square into the eyes of the living, breathing creature she’d just purchased, she just couldn’t bring herself to kill it by wringing its neck or chopping off its head. Instead, she managed to put the turkey to sleep with chloroform and then began the process of dry-plucking it. Just as she finished removing the last of the feathers, however, the bird woke up. The next-door neighbors responded to her shouts and arrived at her back door to find a woman being chased around her kitchen by an angry, naked turkey.
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it. When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then replaced the stuffing. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, ‘Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!’ My sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yes, my sister is a BLONDE.
A young woman is preparing her first thanksgiving dinner. As she gets everything ready for Thanksgiving day, she very sternly reminds herself to let the turkey finish thawing in the sink overnight. She puts it in and places the dishrack over the top of the bird. Her husband walks into the kitchen and sees this. “Why are you doing that?” he asks.
“My mom always did that to help the turkey thaw,” she told him.
The next day Mom calls to see how everything is going. “Fine, Ma. I have everything ready to go in the oven. I even remembered to put the rack over the turkey last night.” This seemed to confuse her mother a bit. “What are you talking about?” she asked.
“Oh, I remember you always put the dish rack over the turkey when it was thawing in the sink,” she said.
There was a pause on the end of the line. “Yes, but honey, we had cats!”
This is the prize. Click on it for details. Or just buy it you cheap ass.
It’s Thanksgiving and Vange and I would like to thank you for whatever it is you do here. Whether you are voting for banana or refusing to comment on posts because you know we want you to, you never fail to disappoint. Except for you. No, not you. Him. Anyway, this contest is the easiest one ever! All you need to do is post your own acrostic for the word Thanksgiving. It can be a sentence or not. But the one that Vange and I decide is the funniest will win. And in case of a tie, we will flip Maitland. Here is an idea to get you going. My acrostic is going to be related to Hollywood! Sort of? Post yours in the comments – if you win, we will email you. If you put a fake email, you don’t win dick.
And this is staying up until after Thanksgiving – look down lower if you want to see other stuff. We scheduled some things, but we are taking the week off. I will be spending time with my family, and I assume Vange will return to her cave to tell fortunes. Or something. Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh – since people asked (seriously) 1: An acrostic is when you make a word out of each letter in another word (see below). And the contest will be over when I get home next weekend. So keep thinking.
And you can enter more than once.
Tits
Hooters
Apples
Num Nums
Knockers
Speed Bumps
Gazongas
Illinois Treasure Mounds
Volvo Wagons
Independence Day Picnic Baskets
Norton Anti Viruses
Glorious Sweatermints
Good luck!