Every time I get annoyed with the huge amount of bullshit that I have to endure in this lifetime I feel like Andy Rooney. I think he still does his Sixty Minutes thing where he gets paid a fortune to be a cranky bastard for a few minutes. I don’t know I stopped watching TV a while ago because it annoyed me.

What set this off you might ask? Yeah I can see you frantically hitting the scroll button to the next topic so you can just suck it. Anyway I’m trying to take a leak at the supermarket the other day and in walks Daddy with little Jennifer who has to piddle. I know that little girls have to go just like everyone else but what the hell is he doing taking her into a men’s room with a line of guys using the urinals. I wasn’t the only guy who suddenly got the urge to zip it up and flee. The least he could have done was yell GRENADE or poke his head in and say: “Hey my kid has to pee so put them away guys.”

The supermarket is a place full of annoying things. There’s the old people who have to read the label on everything: Campbell’s Soup is full of salt. It was full of salt last week, it’s full of salt today, it will be full of salt tomorrow. I’m still fuming at the little old lady who stole my cart six years ago. It’s not like I don’t get the cart with the squeaky wheel every time I go in anyway. Plus there are obnoxious fat kids that their parents never thought of disciplining. I can wait till I get out of the store what the hell is wrong with your kid? Take him to McDonald’s, they have absolutely nothing edible there and the grease combo put me in the hospital one time. At least the fat kid with his head in the bag of cookies isn’t a suburban white kid that think they’re all Gangsta. Wiggers are really annoying.

What about the electronic gas prices signs they”ve got now. I actually got burned eight cents per gallon the other day between parking my truck and walking into the store. It’s not like some Saudi Sheik is making the dollars on it either. Some freak commodities trader is playing with my gas tank. He’s probably the asshole who wrote “Wash Me” on my windshield too. This is New England, they put sand and salt on the road. It’s gonna look just like that two minutes after I leave the car wash. Bite me.

I’m sure there would be a celebrity with an opinion on that. There are always celebrities with an opinion. Usually about the environment or cuddly animals. I love it when PETA throws blood on them for wearing fur or the Tabloids show photos of them leaving the environmental consciousness session in a tank sized SUV. You know who I’m going to listen to? Rowan Atkinson, he has a degree in electrical engineering from Oxford and he’s funny.

I could go on: Heavyweight Boxing, Trying to figure out how my keyboard gets this dam dirty. Films edited for any reason other than what the director wanted. That announcement that there are smoke detectors in the airplane bathroom. What the hell is the point, it all takes a back seat to women.

I should of course be politically correct and say the opposite sex but all that PC nonsense is annoying too. I’ve got a degree in Architecture and can tell you the history of plumbing but I still can’t figure out the whole Toilet Paper nonsense. God forbid you should put it over when you’re dating an under girl or vice versa. There will be twenty minutes of impeccable girl logic for whichever one she prefers and you end up just putting it on the sink and letting her do it. That makes her happy because she can bitch about what a bastard you are for not being able to a simple thing like replacing the roll. The seat thing burns me up too. Look if I’m at your apartment I’m going to leave it down. Why am I a barbarian for wanting it up at my place? I’ve got a bad back and it usually kicks in after a bout of bedroom gymnastics. I’m seriously going to think about the sink if the seat is down and you’ve been riding cowgirl all night long.

If it wasn’t for the hairy man sex I’d go gay in a second. Why are you using my toothbrush? They only cost a couple of bucks and I’ve got a spare if you want it. I’m not sure why you left your panties under the seat. The garage mechanic found them. (This cost me forty dollars, they were jammed in the mechanism) Were you expecting some other woman to be upside down and suddenly find them? Why are you wearing my favorite shirt? (Oh wait that’s not annoying that’s sexy)  I’m a guy, NONE OF US understand woman code talk, just tell us what’s bugging you. Then there was the woman who bought me an expensive watch, with my credit card. She’s the winner of the all time Derby of mistakes I’ve made with women but I still hold out hope. I’m just a little annoyed that’s all.

I'm putting together my own woman from a kit but she's not finished yet

In the sake of disclosure I have dated and I am friends with women who can: parallel park, get in a bad mood and not be having a period, know about sports, are better than me at home repair, do not care about Edward or Jacob, forget Valentines day, enjoy horror movies, have watched porn, do not wear makeup every second and have grabbed the check when the waiter put it in front of me because I’m the guy.

She grabbed the check at lunch too