If I could change the world I would make smoking mandatory for everyone.  Honestly since I was raised in the back of Gran Torinos (my mother had the sedan and her sister and brother both had wagons) where us kids bounced around like plaid-panted projectiles the fact that the car was also continually filled with smoke was the least of my problems.  I was brought from a smoky house into a smoky car and then dragged into a smoky store for my entire childhood.  Was that particularly good for me?  Probably not, but it isn’t like I can run fast or breathe extra heartily or anything since everyone stopped smoking.  And now we all have to deal with people always yakking about how gross smoking is.  IT WASN’T  WHEN EVERYONE DID IT!

Home sweet home!

Back then if you didn’t smoke people made you go stand out on their deck while they sat inside and smoked.  You could tell how drunk the adult watching you was by seeing how long the ash of their cigarette was and if it got reeeeeallly long then you could turn on HBO to see if there was anything naked on it.  But no matter what else we got to do (nothing) our parents never dreamed of letting us smoke.  Sure we could walk to school unaccompanied in 1st grade and we were allowed to play with Jarts but we weren’t allowed to smoke.

You had to wait until you were fifteen or sixteen before you could smoke.

And why would I change things back to that smoky world? Well it isn’t because I am some angry old geezer wishing things were the way they used to be.  Nope.  I would change things back because as far as I can tell, smoking pretty much drove all the innovation in the world and since it became a big no-no with everyone running away from smoke like it was lava the good old USA hasn’t invented anything.  Nothing.

Don’t believe me?  Well what was the last thing we actually invented that wasn’t just an tweak to something we had before?  I guess that would be the Internet, right?  Sorry, suckers.  Invented by smokers.  Same with cell phones, computers and the space shuttle.  Now all we have are different cell phones, different computers and NO space shuttle.

You no-smoking pussies actually destroyed the space shuttle program.  The people that made it all smoked.  Look.

They had ashtrays on their equipment and they managed to build something that worked for 40 years flying in and out of frigging space and it only had two accidents.  And what have we gotten since everyone stopped smoking?  An electric car?  Big deal, they invented those at the same time they invented gas cars.  Yawn.

Apparently smoke is what gives us the brain power to invent new things.  But, like so many other things, we threw it away.  Who has it now?  Oh, that’s right, China.  Everyone in China smokes because the cigarettes are actually better for their lungs that the actual air.  And do you think we should not be worried about the Chinese because they smoke?  You think the army is all:  “Oh don’t worry Mister President, those wheezy Chinamen will never be able to attack us, they smoke”?

No, they are not.  The army is terrified that the Chinese are harnessing the power of second hand smoke to create some sort of super machine that makes the entire USA obsolete.  And what will we say then?  As we are being destroyed?  Will we talk about how nice we feel that our hair doesn’t smell when we come home from a night out?  Will we spit out anecdotes about how “Gross Reggie” died from smoking?  Oh, did he?  Do you know why?  Because he had to stand outside in the snow smoking while you jerks were inside drinking and acting all superior.

I bet if Eric Clapton wanted to smoke in your house you would keep your stupid mouth shut about it.  And if you didn’t you should have.  It’s Eric Clapton.  Jeez.