No, I didn’t forget about Fear the Walking Dead, relax. But I mean, this is Game of Thrones, people. Mother of F@#$ing Dragons and whatnot.
OK so let’s get started. I’m not sure I can process everything in the proper order i.e. which scene happened first so I’ll just do my best.
Jon Snow is still looking pretty dead. But I still have some hope that he’s not because there has been a lot of setup to think he’s a pretty important guy. Of course, they kill important people all the time. More on that in a little bit though.
Rubies flew like drops of blood from the chest of a dying prince, and he sank to his knees in the water and with his last breath murmured a woman’s name.
That is a quote about the death of Rhaegar Targaryen, and it may be relevant, according to some fan theories. And of course, someone made these perfect gifs for Jon Snow.
(pic totally related)
So his “brothers” who decided to be traitors stabbed him and left him bleeding to death in the snow. This wasn’t the majority of the Crows, it was a minority, led by whoever this jerk is, I don’t even care about his name:
(Apparently it’s Sir Alliser. IDC, he’s Sir A-hole to me.)
Ser Davos discovers him probably partly because Jon’s Direwolf, Ghost, is going bananas.
Davos is one of my favorite people on the show because he’s loyal, and good. He basically leaves Stannis to lie in the bed he made for himself when Stannis burns his own daughter – who Davos helped to raise, and seemed to really love – at the stake because Melisandre told him to.
Davos and some of Jon’s closest friends bring his body to a room and try to decide what they are going to do. They all come to the conclusion, though they haven’t yet let Alliser know it, that they are going to die if needed, for Jon, because they’re not going to let what happened stand. One of them leaves to get, I assume, the Wildlings to help them, which they decide is the only chance they have. Ghost also joins them. Jon appears to remain dead. Alliser gives them a deadline to decide how they want to play this thing out, which they pretend to consider to buy themselves time.
But, here is an interesting theory about who Jon is, and why he may yet come back (no, not as a White Walker). If the theory is correct, then it officially contains spoilers, so if you don’t want any, don’t watch it. But it’s just a theory.
What else is going on? Oh, Theon and Sansa are fleeing Ramsey Bolton’s hounds. Somehow Theon finally woke the eff up and realized he owes it to her to help her escape that hell. Things don’t look so good for them though when the hounds and men are upon them when one of my other favorite people, Brienne of Tarth shows up and kicks their collective asses (of course, because she’s amaze). Then she once again pledges her service to Sansa and this time Sansa finally accepts (I’m annoyed that she checks with Theon first but I guess I’m supposed to remember that she’s still pretty young and hasn’t really had a lot of experience doing things like leading knights – still I would prefer she didn’t do that).
Did I mention that Brienne killed Stannis, that daughter-burning, red-lady sexing, power-mad, jerk? Because she totally did.
I’m glad to finally see these two women together. I hope it’s a sign of good things to come for them both.
Arya is still inexplicably involved with this weird cult I honestly don’t care about, I just want it to get to the part where she magically passes whatever weird tests they are making her go through and she can shapeshift or whatever the point of this is. I’d like her to get back to her list of people she needs to kill.
Cersei and Jamie are sad that their daughter is dead, blah blah, she was good unlike Cersei, blah. I just don’t really care. Shut up, Lannisters, you reap what you sow.
Meanwhile in Dorne, some badass women are sick of your shit, guys, and they’re taking over.
Ellaria Sand kills Prince Doran because he’s pathetic and she’s angry AF at what happened to his brother, Oberyn, and she and her daughters are not messing around.
Oh, Alexander Sidding, we hardly knew ye.
Don’t worry, they kill his son Tristan as well. Because they ain’t got time for none of that. Apparently this is a big change from the books. But I’m not some know-it-all book-reader so who cares? I like it.
Danerys is a captive of the Dothraki she used to be Khaleesi of (another kingdom/tribe, not the exact same people). She spends a while pretending she doesn’t understand them while listening to them talk smack about her at first.
Then when she is brought in front of the Khal she breaks out her Dothraki language skills and informs him he’s not gonna touch her and neither are any of the rest of them. Jason Momoa posted this scene on his Instragram and it’s really worth checking out there.
However, she may have miscalculated because apparently her status as the widow of a Khal means she has to go be some priestess in a temple or whatevs. Lame. Dany ain’t gonna go for that.
Meanwhile, I think the last bit of catchup I have for you is with Tyrion. He is back in Mireen with Varis trying to manage what citizens are left after the crazy betrayal that caused Danerys to flee in the first place. He is a skilled politician and leader as we’ve seen many times, so I have a feeling he’s going to get things in hand somehow. But so far all we’ve seen is that he doesn’t speak very good Valyrian and that Dany’s entire navy has been burnt down.
However, now is the time to show you another fan theory that I think sounds pretty valid. Again, if it’s true, it will be a spoiler so if you don’t want any potential spoilers, don’t watch, but I loved it and am kind of banking on this theory and the one about Jon Snow as the two together would make about the best version of the show I can imagine.
Finally, the final little bit of the show revealed to us that Melisandre, whom Davos refers to as “The Red Woman” is old AF and wears a magic necklace to look young. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to think her taking off the necklace is what always happens when she goes to bed in privacy or are we supposed to think she’s giving up on everything because she was wrong about Stannis? In any case, you’re welcome:
(By the way, of course fans have already found a continuity issue with this – the necklace. Thanks, rabid fans. Also some potential spoilers regarding Jon Snow at this link, also related to the Red Woman.)
What did you think? What was your favorite thing? What did you hate? What do you wish you saw more of? Tell us in the comments below!
I love a solid review from someone who doesn’t give any fucks!
Yay! Thanks, lady! xo
I don’t even know who to root for anymore.
If you don’t know who to root for you are dead to me. I just told you who to root for.