I’m starting to think a giant media octopus has crawled onto the Game of Thrones. In the venerable Washington-Post you can find not one but two reviews. One informed by the books and the other by a writer new to the epic who only watches the show. Am I the only one who wants to get a harpoon and start imitating Kirk Douglas in Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea? Maybe I should. The most exciting thing for me in this episode was the announcement that Game of Thrones will be back in two weeks. I’ll get a week off to work on my comic book.

Petyr Baelish not only recklessly borrowed from the Iron Bank as Master of Coin he’s the one directly responsible for the chaos that’s fallen on Westeros. He’s been vindictively feeding his ambitions for a long time. Now it’s time for the “Mockingbird” to openly play the Game of Thrones by seizing the Eyrie. It is said a dozen armies dashed themselves against the Bloody Gate during the Age of Heroes. What safer place could there be for such a schemer?

Bronn explains the concept: ““ladies fall from their horses and snap their pretty necks all the time.” If you’re cold hearted enough you can grab the castle. If you work it right you even have your adolescent fantasy girl waiting to replace the lady who has fallen out the Moon Door. It might have been a little bit hasty to commit the murder himself but Lysa Arryn’s fate was sealed when she made herself expendable through marriage.
For a while the fate of the entire Kingdom was resting on the shoulders of the smallest Lion of Lannister. Now he’s been tossed in jail by plotters who were hiding during the siege of King’s Landing. Powerless he can’t even get a torch to light his barren cell. Gods of Drama are dropping the great scenes directly upon Peter Dinklage. Three potential champions visit Tyrion in his cell. The first is Bronn who’s been bribed by Cersie with the offer of a rich wife. The second is Jaime who is willing but unable . The third is the mortal enemy of the Lannisters and Cersei’s chosen champion. Oberyn Martell is no effeminate fop. The Red Viper is an experienced mercenary and fights with a ash spear eight feet long with a steel spearhead and spike. Sometimes the vipers bite has venom too. Just the thing to keep a freakishly strong giant at bay.

Daenerys has definitely gone Fifty Shades of Grey in her Frank Lloyd Wright Ennis House inspired pyramid in Mereen. I’m not sure it’s actual feminism using your powers as Queen to order one of your generals to strip. Do Michiel Huisman‘s chiseled abs and naked bottom make up for all the blatant female objectification? Emilia Clarke has said no more Daenerys nudity so it is likely that this is where HBO will be providing the titillating skin for fans of the male anatomy. Daenerys is having fun even if we don’t get to watch but she’s not very good at actually governing yet. We’ll see more of the Mereen Tea Party as the show goes on.
Did you ever think the Hound could be likable? He obviously doesn’t consider Arya a threat so she’s allowed to learn his brutal lessons of survival. The Hound is yet another cautionary tale for those who actually believe in Social Darwinism. It doesn’t produce better leaders it produces ordinary men like the Hound who are willing to do anything to survive. The Hound isn’t raping Arya for amusement or playing sadistic games like the Bolton clan. He shows pain when his neck is stitched and even tells the tale of how his face was burned over a toy. Arya is almost done with the Hounds finishing school for young ladies. There’s not a real question that the name Sandor Clegane has been removed from the nightly recital of death. Arya is the genuinely dangerous one of this pair. If she survives the winners of the Game of Thrones will not sleep easy.

After I'm done with this trick I'll use blood to set it all on fire!

After I’m done with this trick I’ll use blood to set it all on fire!

I confess I’m bored with the magic part of Game of Thrones. The more ice monsters converting babies and fire god demon spawn that appear the more likely I am to start yawning. The priests and priestesses of R’hllor are likely to use wildfire to set a sword afire or have a cabinet full of illusions to use on the gullible but both Thoros and Mellisandre go beyond the trickery. Melisandre certainly has Selyse in thrall despite jealous twinges on the part of the Queen. “When we set sail, your daughter must be with us.” She says in a portentous voice. Yeah, yeah, it’s all about as interesting as the evolution of Hot Pie’s wolf shaped kidney pie. It’s all in the gravy Mellisandre. Don’t give up on the gravy!