Grading Bad – Megashark v. Mechashark (2013)

It’s a Mega Mecha throw down, y’all!

Premise: Someone decided that the best solution for a drought was to haul a big freaking iceberg into the Mediterranean…but, wait! NO! Inside that iceberg is a frozen Megaladon bent on world destruction. Obviously the best course of action is to ban boat and plane travel worldwide, and then build a giant robot shark to battle the megaladon.

Spoilers, but this is another Asylum/SyFy original, so I don’t feel so poorly about spoiling it. 

Before I even get started on the grand list of spoilage, I just have to wonder, Superficial Gallarians, if the absolute best course of action in any situation is to build a giant robot shark. Building said robot shark to battle-bot a 200 foot long bag of teeth and muscle seems neither practical, nor sane, but who am I to judge the U.S. Military? For all I know there’s a fleet of robo-sharks out there right now subverting an evil army of nuclear dolphins. I’m not up on my geo-political awareness, but neither is whoever wrote Megashark v. Mechashark, so I am in good mostly misinformed company.

I have some disappointments! To the list:

1. This entire movie was better when it was Godzilla v. Mechagodzilla.
   

   RARR! Godzilla did this in 1974!

2. Spoiler! Nerd Point:
   The ponderous environmental subplot to MvM was not only ponderous, but unresolved. The film seems to be very concerned with accurate environmental resrictions, history and accords, however it fails so badly with basic scientific principals that this is laughable. Case in point: Debbie Gibson believes that Megashark just wants some love. Which brings me to disappoint #3.
3. Spoiler! Horny Sharkness:
   Throughout the film Debbie Gibson makes some cameos as a Megashark expert (because she was in one of the earlier films of this series, most likely Pirannahcondapus Rex vs. Megadoubleghostsharknado…anyway, she’s an expert). Her theory is that the shark is headed to some spawning grounds to look for some lady love. The following quote is an actual line of dialog from this fine feature film, “We have a 200 foot horny shark on our hands.” This leads me to assume (rather rationally, I believe) that the Mechashark is going to be used like some sort of Megaladon Real Doll™. But, no. I am wrong. Apparently the robot shark is not a lady robot shark, so there goes that theory.
4. Spoiler! Who is driving this thing?
   One lady named Rosie is driving the giant a&* robot shark. She is the whole crew. That’s it. Giant a$$ robot shark manned by one person.  Well, fortunately, this giant a#% robot shark has the brain (and voice) of Kit from Night Rider. Why is David Hasselhoff not in this? Seriously, what is he doing that no one asked him to be in this film? Anyway, one lady driving giant a!$ robot shark, so she better not get knocked…out…oh. We’ll there’s that. And she has a ponderous alcoholism subplot? And a dead daughter? Do tell me more! She also has a random cheek hair that keeps bugging me, someone CGI that hair out in post production! And she is a daredevil hero who doesn’t take orders from anyone? Okay! Just don’t ask her to look sad.
   

   This is Rosie’s sad face…waaah!

5. Spoiler! Shark Motivation:
   So the Megashark, who shall henceforth be known as Jerome (because it’s my review), seems to be motivated by sexytimes and random destruction. In the real world (I watch Sharkweek, so I know this stuff, also I’m a doctor), sharks are motivated by the need to feed and reproduce. I have no idea what Jerome is motivated by, other than Dr. Shark Gibson’s theory. If he were hungry, he should go after whales, because they look slow and juicy. He doesn’t go after whales, he keeps going after very random people-related things. In one of the very first scenes Jerome takes out a tug boat with his tail, and knocks the sucker so far that it lands on the Sphinx, taking its head off. So, I’m thinking Jerome is just not into antiquities, but no…there’s more! He also hates oil platforms. He doesn’t eat the people on the oil platform, he just belly flops on it. So, I’m thinking Jerome is a very misguided environmentalist (don’t knock over oil platforms, Jerome, that causes spills).Later he jumps 3,000 feet into the sky to try to eat a plane. 3,000 feet! Into the sky! To eat a plane! Luckily, Rosie the mechashark pilot makes mechashark jump 3,000 feet into the air for a block. Kabamm! So, now I’m totally confused as to Jerome’s motivation. At one point Jerome belly flops and destroys a Navy destroyer, but again, he doesn’t eat the people. Then someone thinks “Oh, Jerome just hates high-frequencies,” but it turns out that isn’t it either. Later he wrecks an entire aircraft carrier. And he kills another boat when Rosie fires a torpedo at him, and he hits the torpedo with his tail like a professional baseball player to reroute it. Jerome is just into mayhem and he’s looking for some sweet shark booty.
6. Spoiler! Tracking things is hard:
   Say you have a giant shark, and a giant robot shark…that seems pretty trackable to me, but what do I know? Put some GPS on those things. That way when Rosie the mechashark pilot disasters herself into the Marinas Trench (really?) you can find her, and the shark that put her there.
7. Spoiler! Evacuate Sydney:
   According to Dr. Shark Gibson, Sydney Harbor was a Megaladon spawning ground around 2 million years ago. So, what is the solution? Evacuate Sydney! Why? How about get out of the water…the shark isn’t going to spontaniously grow legs and start walking around…OOH, does it? (Spoiler: It doesn’t.)
8. Spoiler! Hang on to your children:
   Ponderous missing girl subplot is ponderous. Quick, only person who can pilot the mechashark, stop the entire evacuation and defense of a major capital to locate a missing kid; don’t you dare delegate that responsibility to the hundreds of extra officers standing around.
9. Spoiler! Never trust a robot:
   

   Land shark! RARR!

   Hey guess what? Their mechashark gets borked, and decides everyone is a threat. Also, unlike Jerome, mechashark is amphibious. Let’s let it loose on Sydney, maybe it will eat that little girl? (Spoiler: It doesn’t.)

10. Spoiler! General good advice:
    Never take a job where your back up plan for system failure is to crawl out of something called a “chum shoot.” That is a poor life decision.
11. Spoiler! Chum shoots:
    Yeah, we know she’s going to wind up in a chum shoot, right?
12. Spoiler! Anti-climactic climactics:
    The whole movie has been building up to the inevitable destruction of poor, poor Jerome. All he wanted was some shark booty. How was he to know that like some giant sharky Rip Van Winkle, he had outlived all his fellow brethren and sistern? I was rooting for Jerome the whole time, but despite my adamant love of Jerome, I knew his life would end in a thunderous explosion of shark parts and viscera. What I did not know is how anti-climactic the shark explosion would be. Jerome should have gone out in a toothy blaze of meaty glory. Alas, he did not. He barely registered as much guts and goop as the chum shoot scene. What a sad end to a great shark. RIP Jerome.

Hello, old chum!

Conclusion: This film was pretty much what one might expect of a film entitled Megashark v. Mechashark. There were some fun moments of destruction, but there was also a lot of weaksauce in terms of special effects (although they did try) and ponderous unresolved subplots that lent nothing to the film as a whole. I recommend watching it in fast forward…just skip to the parts with Jerome. At least the chum shoot came into play? That’s what really matters.