Night Six is my personal favorite.  It’s the night of Deadly Danger, and it is the kind of night where you just have to let yourself go a little and do something that makes you feel alive.  A side benefit of this is that other people will feel really shitty.  But if you remind them that it is just a celebration of the holiday, you can’t get in trouble.  Confused?  Well, you anti-semitic bastard, let me give you some examples.

  • Go lie down on your neighbor’s lawn and close your eyes.  As soon as someone sees you and comes over – open your eyes wide and yell: LAWSUIT!
  • Go into the bank and tell the teller you are really good at jumping and could probably jump right over the counter in one jump.  Then say you need to warm up a little first, and start jumping.  As you jump, say very loudly that the security guards are sissies and can never jump as high as you.
  • Head over the the parking lot of the mall.  Wander around screaming: DAVID!  WHERE ARE YOU?  Try to cry if you can.  And carry a brick and keep bashing in the windows of cars, sticking your head in and looking for David.  When someone asks you who David is, say: “my pet bee” and then keep walking.
  • Keep calling the cops and tell them that they need to get over to your house right away and check out the huge dump you just did.  Ask them for their email so you can send them a pic, but insist they need to see it in person.
  • Write a suicide note for every gift you received that year.  Say you are gonna kill yourself because (insert person) was so thoughtless that they actually gave you a (insert gift).  How could they be so fake?  It proves that there is no point in living and that as soon as you are finished with all the dumb thank you cards you are going to end it all.  Mail them, then leave town for a week.
  • Tell your spouse that if they loved you they would look more like the people in your pornos.

Oh, you may not have known this, but the Night of Deadly Danger used to be called the Night of Being an Asshole.  It was changed in the 12th Century for reasons unknown.