Editor’s Note – Krylonoclast writes me letters all the time – but I send them to the F.B.I. without opening them.

Letter to Hawaiian Punch

Dear Hawaiian Punch,
Thank You! And thank God, and thank my local grocer started carrying Fruit Juicy Red Hawaiian Punch Light! Oh how I’ve waited for you guys to perfect a sugar-free version of the drink that I refer to as “The Nectar of The Gods.” It is quite delicious with barely a hint of aftertaste. Why I’d almost suggest it is better than the original. You see, I’ve had to switch to a sugar-free lifestyle about 5 years ago, which caused me great duress, as I could no longer partake of some of my favorite beverages and even fresh fruit itself. I giggled like a little girl when we happened upon an end cap stocked brightly with Fruit Juicy Red Hawaiian Punch at my local market. I have been the number one Hawaiian Punch fan in Albuquerque since I was a young pup and Fruit Juicy Red concentrate came in big glass bottles.

God Bless Morgan Spurlock! I love you, Hawaiian Punch!

Keep in touch,

ps: Thumbs up to Rudy’s BBQ on Carlisle here in Albuquerque for the best Fruit Juicy Red Hawaiian Punch fountain in the entire city. Kudos to the service tech who adjusted that one!

Reply from Hawaiian Punch

Thank you for contacting us about Hawaiian Punch Fruit Juicy Red.

We enjoy hearing from you and are especially pleased to learn of your
satisfaction. We will pass on your compliments to both our marketing
department and our research and development department so they can be
made aware of the great job they are doing!


Consumer Relations

There’s more…
Letter to Carl’s Jr.
Sent: 10/15/2007

Dear Carl’s Jr.,

I’m sure your advertising company knows what it’s doing… they do, right? I mean, you guys watch these commercials, don’t you? I am hoping, for your sake, that they did all the market research and scientific tests. Especially hopeful that they researched the effects of the sound of someone eating, and maybe I’m just in some weird percentage of people who is totally disgusted by it. That I would believe… but I’ve been asking around lately and people in my small sphere of influence don’t really seem to enjoy that sound much at all.

Okay, look… what I’m saying is this: I get that the annoying jingles work to put the name in the brains. I get that! I’m actually in a marketing class now trying to pull AOL’s rep outta the shredder. I’m just going to need to see some proof that the sounds of someone eating is directly conducive to an elevated appetite in the listener. Including the stoner/drunken frat guy demo you’re obviously trying to lock.

Thank you,

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