Have you ever sat through a movie that had no redeeming qualities? Movies that Uwe Boll wouldn’t direct, with scripts that Steve Guttenberg (r.i.p) & Roddy Piper would toss in the trash can? I’ve seen some shit that made me think the filmmakers would’ve been better off breaking out the baby oil and hiring fluffers (and this is why Battlefield Earth will not be added). They have the actors, silly plots, and crappy dialog; why not make them watchable by having everyone bone?
These movies would have been perfect for pornifying.
This movie had zombies, Mike Epps, guns, and Ali Larter, but it still managed to be shit. They sucked people in with clips of epic battles in a post-apocalyptic Las Vegas, then you watch it and the set looked like a miniature golf course covered in sand. I’m pretty sure there would’ve been a lot more possibilities had they gone with the theme of Ashanti, Ali Larter and Mila Jovovich vs 10,000 horny zombies. There were even hundreds of Mila Jovovich “clones” in the movie; I know that would’ve won a few adult video awards.
3. B.A.P.S.
Why? Who thought Halle Berry would be perfect for a update of Amos & Andy? Two chicks (Halle Berry & Natalie Desselle) move from The Hood to Beverly Hills or whatever with hopes of opening a salon/soul food restaurant. What in the fuck? I tossed this one in because I know there are folks out there who enjoy the BBW (Desselle is pretty big), and they are often underrepresented. Halle Berry & Natalie Desselle doing terrible jobs of portraying hoodrats, and gettin’ it on with Martin Landau? If that appeals to someone out there, let us know who you are.
2. Soulman
The legendary C Thomas Howell really f’ed up with this one. How do you go from being a “Wolverine” to a white guy in black-face who looks Punjabi? A completely ridiculous movie. And the thing is, it had all the proper groundwork laid; C. Thomas Howell in a role that could’ve easily been given to Peter North or John Holmes, ridiculously exaggerated racial stereotypes, a bimbo, and the go-to woman for 80’s interracial relationships, Rae Dawn Chong. Sounds like all the stuff you find on those internet porn sites that I’ve never seen.
1. Alexander
Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Rosario Dawson, and Jared Leto. Cut all the historical facts (Oliver Stone movie, oxymoron?). Conquering Greeks vs women of the ancient world. This wrote itself. It would be bigger than “Pirates.”
* Movies that were suggested but didn’t fit the criteria: The Outsiders, Cocoon, Airbud, Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants.
I am completely with you on the soulman movie. That was awful and I think that I had a crush on C. Thomas Howell then. Whatever happened to him?
his career when down the shitter. i last saw him on “24”. though there is a “red dawn” remake int he making, maybe he’ll be in that.
Well son, I really can’t make any comment as I have not seen any of the films in question.
And that’s the way it is.
I take issue with Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. You would have had to read the book to get a better understanding of the stories, but it definitely wasn’t shit.
walter, i’m sure fay wray made a stinker that could’ve made this list. i should have scoured the Turner Classic Movies vault for ya, sorry bud.
Oh my palpitating heart. Fay Wray certainly is responsible for many of the tents I’ve pitched.
I saw RE:E I still wake up in cold sweats
alexander needs to be bi porn
but with someone much hotter than jared leto!
cabieri, i thought i implied the bi theme. and i thought jared leto was considered hot? alright..what about val kilmer ?
KJJ, when was the last time you saw Val Kilmer? He is NOT aging well.
The worst movie I ever saw was “Monty Pythons The Meaning of Life.”
A bunch of us walked out.
i dont think anyone wants to see eric ilde and john cleese get it on though.
I think if you give them time all of them will be made into porn 🙂 As for Eric Ilde and John Cleese they still would look better then that lazy fat cow Ron Jeremy.
i dont think anyone wants to see eric ilde and john cleese get it on though.
Speak for yourself son.
Um… Post. I guess.