It’s Mother’s Day. So since I have a mother I wanted to make sure she knew I was thinking about her. And I am going to do it by telling you a little bit about her life. You have probably always wondered how I got to be so awesome, and me telling you about Ma is a piece of the puzzle. She can’t have all the credit, though. My training and bionics are also large factors. But enough about me. This is about Ma!
- My single mother (Yep, I only had one mom. Take THAT lesbians!) raised me with a combination of tough love and wimpy love. She didn’t beleieve in medium love.
- Once when she caught me smoking cigarettes, she used tough love and made me smoke a whole pack. But she mixed in some wimpy love and gave me a week to do it. I love cigarettes.
- She didn’t get very mad when I burned up her car. Granted, it was an accident but I burned up her frigging car!
- She is utterly convinced that we are being given cancer because of what ‘they’ put in the food.
- When I was 1st grade they wanted to put me in 3rd grade and she wouldn’t let them. Then when I was in 6th grade they said I had to stay back because I missed more than 30 days of school (she let me stay home all the time). So she went in and said: He hasn’t gotten anything but an A since Kindergarten. What is he going to learn if he stays back? So they broke state law and promoted me.
- She never got mad that I peaked intellectually in 6th grade.
- She doesn’t care when she calls me and the answer to every question she asks me is ‘fine’. Even when she asks me what I had for dinner.
- She doesn’t know I have a website. That’s a pretty easy secret to keep, though. I never told her there was an Internet.
- I bought her a CD player years ago and put a CD with a bunch of Jimmy Buffet mp3’s on it in the player. This past year, we were talking about a TV with a DVD player in it. I told her she could probably play her Jimmy Buffet songs on it. She said: How can I put that whole thing in there? Then I realized she thought I had bought her a Jimmy Buffet machine.
- She immediately takes my side in everything. I could walk into her house covered in blood with a hooker’s head in my hand and she would say: “What did she do to you?” And then tell me to stand on the tile.
Love you, Ma. I will call you later and tell you everything is fine. And also – since I know you can’t read this – I did fuck up the VCR that time. And it was because a porn tape got stuck in it and I couldn’t get it out so I had to take it apart and when I put it back together all I did was make sure that it looked right on the outside.