Let me start out by saying that I am now a Jew via what was referred to in tag as “electricity”. So as a Catholic who ended up in a Jewish family I have both sides of the whole “messiah” thing covered which increases my odds of being ok at the end times. Also, my analysis of Passover is jokes. So calm down in advance!
That said, we all know that Old Testament god is way meaner than New Testament hippie Jesus. But most of the Jewish Holidays are pretty lame. Not that I pay close attention, case in point: When I was in high school I went out with a Jewish girl (there were 4 in Maine and I got one!) and the first time I went to their house I saw a sign on their wall that said slalom.
I said: “you guys must really like to ski!” in my most first impressionaly voice. They all laughed at me for 3 hours because the sign said Shalom. 🙁 I saw her this past summer. It was many years later. They still make fun of me whenever gentiles come up. 🙁 🙁
Anyway, Hanukah is lame, you can’t eat anything on Yom Kippur an honestly I don’t even know what the other ones are. But Passover? Passover I know because it is metal AF.
In a nutshell, the Jews were sick of Egypt and wanted to gtfo. Pharaoh said no, so Moses got Jewish god to torture the Egyptians but it didn’t work. So god made a ridiculously complicated plan to fix those stubborn Egyptians. And that is where Passover gets good!
Here is what the Bible says:
Exod. 11:4-8; 12:29
11:4 Moses said, “Thus says the Lord: ‘About midnight I will go throughout Egypt, 5 and all the firstborn in the land of Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh who sits on his throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle. 6 There will be a great cry throughout the whole land of Egypt, such as there has never been, nor ever will be again.7 But against any of the Israelites not even a dog will bark against either people or animals, so that you may know that the Lord distinguishes between Egypt and Israel.’ 8 All these your servants will come down to me and bow down to me, saying, ‘Go, you and all the people who follow you,’ and after that I will go out.” Then Moses went out from Pharaoh in great anger. 12:29 It happened at midnight – the Lord attacked all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh who sat on his throne to the firstborn of the captive who was in the prison, and all the firstborn of the cattle.
Ok so god’s plan is to go through Egypt and kill ALL the first born of all the Egyptian people AND their cows. Let that sink in. Jewish god is like….the exact opposite of Santa. Instead of bringing presents, he is distributing hot sandy death to the oldest kid in every family. Let’s think about what that means when you break it down.
- If you were the oldest kid in your family and you were visiting your grandparents that night, I assume that means that you would get exploded and so would your dad if he is the first born.
- If you were the first born but you were old and your parents were dead did that count?
- If you were an only child did it count?
- IDENTICAL TWINS?
- Did god get to the house and look for the strong box in the parent’s room that has the birth certificates and vaccinations and whatnot in it to find out who was who or did he go by the honor system?
And don’t tell me that he “just knew” who was the first born. From the way the story goes, god had to have had some help. Because while he is all like: “But against any of the Israelites not even a dog will bark” he made the Jews put blood on their doors SO HE KNEW TO SKIP THEIR HOUSE!
So if he didn’t even know which houses had Jews and which had Egyptians, his odds of knowing who the first born was in any given house was about zero. I assume it was a lot of this:
*God bursts in door that didn’t have blood on it – there is a family sleeping (it’s midnight in olden times ffs)*
God: OK, everyone up and get in line!
Father: What’s all this about….person?
I assume that god just looked like a guy. It actually makes more sense if the “Angel of Death” did it but nobody can keep their story straight and the Bible I picked has god doing it.”
God: Go get your cows, too.
Father: What? COWS ARE HUGE! That will take me two hours and they won’t fit in the house. Why don’t we go out there?
God: Fine whatever. Are these all your kids?
Father: all except two of those three boys. My son has his cousin and their friend over. They are going to go mummy poking tomorrow in the City of the Dead.
God (looking at the boys): They have any older brothers or sisters?
Father: Some do.
God: Gah! Whatever! *explodes all the boys*
And that doesn’t even include the damn cows. Why kill the cows? Aren’t you just saying that you are gonna kill the oldest cows? Wouldn’t that be good because it makes room for younger more delicious cows?
And at the end of the day, the whole plan was to get the Pharaoh to finally realize that keeping the Jews around was too much trouble. This from guy who already was fine with:
- Water turned into blood
- Diseased livestock
- Thunderstorm of hail and fire
- Darkness for three days
Now, if I had been the Pharaoh, I probably would have lasted until boils. Eff that. I had an ingrown hair on the edge of my nostril once and I almost went to be euthanized it hurt so bad. BOILS? He should have led with boils. In fact I could think of way better plagues:
- All your remotes break but the little light still flashes when you push the button so it doesn’t seem broken.
- Every parking spot you think you find actually has a little smart car in it that you didn’t see.
- All the GPS satellites stop working.
- All the fit people get fat and all the fat people get fit.
- Taco Bell closes at 9PM every night.
- Every time you ask someone’s opinion on something to do with you, you think they sound really sarcastic but they deny being sarcastic if you ask them.
- Netflix goes back to DVD only.
- If you think the same thought more than twice in the same day, it gets posted on your twitter as #realthoughts
- You can either ALWAYS lie or NEVER lie. For the rest of your life.
- The killing the first born thing.
I know when I would break in my list. Of course if I was god in that scenario I think I would have had Moses do this:
Moses: Heyyy, Pharaoh. I know you want us to stay in your country but god told me to tell you he will just kill you and put me in charge of Egypt and all the Egyptians will be slaves and us Jews will be in charge.
Pharaoh: As if – your god can’t do that. He doesn’t even have a person body and an animal head!
Moses: Okayyyy. God! Do it!
*Half the people in the room explode*
Moses: You wanna think it over for a minute?
Pharaoh: yeah one sec – guys, let’s talk about this.
Pharaoh (eventually): Yeah ok you can go.
Moses: Sweet! Barren desert here we come!
God (in heaven): lol srsly they are going to the desert
So yeah – Passover is an amazing bonding experience for Jewish families where they all gather together eat a ton, and the stories get passed down to the kids. The fact that the story is about murdering a bunch of people and cows just to bug one guy does not detract from it AT ALL!
Seriously, Have a great Passover. Next week maybe we will talk about how the Christians are super excited that they let their god get tortured like he was in Hostel 4 and then became a zombie!
Old Testament God was one vindictive bastard. But he already killed, like, EVERYONE in a flood, so I’m guessing Moses was not too surprised when God said “Imma kill all the old boys and cows.”
That was before there were many people, tho. Like, 20 tops, I think.
I am laughing so hard at your “slalom” gaffe that I had to comment at once even though I’m only 20% through this article.
Ugh – I swear they laughed so much. 🙁
This entire post is amazing and I approve of it all and highly suggest you give Easter the same treatment because it’s only fair.
*saultes* will do!
I can’t decide if this is blasphemous or not but I really enjoyed your dramatic reenactment.
It’s from the dead sea scrolls I think.