Superficial Movies – Fast Five

Above all else, don't let them get to the cars!

Vin Diesel looks like a potato. Occasionally he escapes from his trainer and looks like a doughy potato. I don’t want to like Vin Diesel. I want to make fun of Vin Diesel. He’s a cartoon with that shaved head, beefy body, and deep movie voice. Dam you Vin Diesel for making films and characters that I like. Have you seen him in Boiler Room? The man can even act without wearing a wife beater and covered in theatrical grime. He’s going to bring back Riddick and he’s a fan of Dungeons and Dragons. How can you hate an actor like that?

Fast Five is the fifth in the Fast and Furious franchise. There’s nothing complicated going on here; If you walk out of the theater entertained it’s a success. None of the cast expects an Oscar and nobody expects the fast cars, big chases and wrecks to follow the laws of physics. As long as it looks good on screen and the original cast appears we’re going to be happy. It’s what you want in the Fast and Furious.

R1, R2, L1 , X, Left , Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up and Vin Diesel will Jump out and Punch the Rock

The movie opens with three muscle cars and a prison bus transporting Dom to Lompoc prison. Faster than you can say Grand Theft Auto the bus is tumbling through the air. Wow I got a bus to do that once in GTA San Andreas it’s pretty hard to do. Thankfully a studio attorney leapt to the rescue and we’re told there aren’t any fatalities by a news crew. *phew* I was worried about all those NPC’s in orange jumpsuits.

Without even a map that includes an animated line to show us where we’re going we drive down to Rio de Janerio. You can tell it was a long ride to Brazil because the car is dusty. Welcome to the world of testosterone and tattoos. If two things can get smashed into each other they are. There is even a ludicrous chase scene where a giant safe is dragged behind two cars smashing into things you wouldn’t think capable of being smashed.

I think there’s a plot in between all the action. It involves a black hat who’s in charge of Rio’s underworld (Joaquim de Almeida) and a white hat who’s been sent down to avenge some dead DEA agents (Dwayne Johnson, the Rock, who will be the coolest FPS in the video game) who’s focused on our fast car friends.

Thud, Thud, Thud; Vin Diesel and the Rock fight. Who will win the battle for the rights to pillage the craft service table first? Did the Rock just spit out a mouthful of glass? This is horrible, it’s almost as bad as Superman giving up his United States citizenship to see the Rock humiliated. I can see that wrestling will have to start relying on CGI and FX to keep up.

It’s still all about illegal street races in the middle of the night. Big souped up muscle cars are getting to be as much a fantasy memory as cowboys and Indians. Those of us who remember what it was like to feel the road though a lead foot and not a joystick are going to get an atavistic pleasure from Fast Five. The rest of you can drive your Prius to the theater and get some popcorn to enjoy the ride. You don’t have to shave your head and get inked to enjoy Fast Five. You don’t even have to sell your soul to the gas companies.