OK, I need to be honest. I missed the first 1/2 of the show. I was using a foreign Tivo with some weird remote and it got all fucked up. I know I could have just watched the first 1/2 right after the show ended cause all Bravo has to do is play the same show again but then I thought: no. I need to get writing! 1/2 the show means twice the talking about Padma’s cans.
But then I saw Paula Deen and all the courage ran away from me. It ran to Paula’s neck wattle where it feasted on butter and pork cracklin’s. My stupid fat courage and its high cholesterol made me watch the show and have to try to pay attention. So, after the jump, I will tell you what I learned and show you a terrifying video that will explain why I’m so skert of Paula Deen. Also, why did they dress Padma in that weird pant suit? Did they think if she showed too much skin that Paula would start chomping on her like she was corn?
Oh, and I bet Paula butters bread and then rubs the corn in it like some weird corn/bread sex thing. Also I’m sick of New Orleans complaining about shit. (The challenge was about New Orleans so this makes sense) OK you had a hurricane and then an oil spill. But so did Mississippi and you don’t hear them bitching about it all the time. Could be because they don’t have phones but even if they did I think they are less whiny than New Orleans. YOU LIVE UNDER THE SEA. YOU ARE LIKE ATLANTIS! STOP COMPLAINING WHEN THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU THAT ARE WATER RELATED. Fuck. It’s like someone who lives next to a volcano complaining about lava.
OK, so the chefs had to get some people who had been voted out cook with them and they each got some ‘Gulf’ fish. They were supposed to cook for this benefit for people who can’t fish because of the oil spill. Which made me wonder where they got the fucking fish for the challenge (Costco?).
Then there was your typical montage of complaining, fake outs, real foreshadowing (like when The Amazing Race goes into slo-mo when someone fucks up) and Marcel being an annoying wiener. You could kind of tell the bottom three was going to be Tiffany (like last week), Carla (like last week) and then Dale. Wait, Dale? He won the Quickfire AND the Elimination last week. I’m not sure but I think that means you get to see the judge of your choice naked (go Anthony Bourdain!). But there he was, in the bottom three.
And who went home? Dale! Why? Racism? The judges dig black chicks and hate Asian dudes? His fish was named “Lumberjack” or something? He was incredibly cocky? I don’t care, actually. I just want to get to the Paula Deen video. Let’s see if this multi page thing works! Click the “2” down there somewhere. Y’ALL!
I’m waiting for the day Paula comes with a recipe for butter fried butter. In butter sauce.
Just the idea of deep fried molecular gastronomy mayo balls made me throw up in my mouth just a little.