Put that candy down!  It’s time for facts!

  • At 72 beats per minute, the human heart beats 37,843,200 times a year.  When you get excited, your heart rate goes up.  So that number will go even higher.  So think about your poor heart and all the shit it has to do and how your heavy petting is just making it worse. – But…
  • If you decide to throw caution to the wind, you may as well go big.  And what better way to show your loved one that you appreciate them than by giving them something that will make them fat.  Yep.  Candy means love.  I recommend the Worlds Largest Hershey’s Kiss.  It’s 12 feet tall, and weighs in at 30,540 pounds.  Just imagine the joy on your Valentine’s face as they hear the *BEEP BEEP BEEP* of the truck as it backs up your driveway.  If you both eat it all, then you will both be so fat that neither of you will think you can get anyone else, which means you will be together forever.  Or…
  • You could go traditional and just get little sissy candy, which leaves time for other presents.  Like flowers.  And since that whole “It’s the thought that counts” thing is crap, you need to get something rare.  Like the Baseball Plant.  Not only is it rare, but they can only make new Baseball Plants if you have a boy one and a girl one, which will make your Valentine think about gettin’ it on.  Plus, it has ‘ball’ in the name. So…
  • Since the candy and flowers fed the motor, it’s time to grease the wheels.  You have to take your date out somewhere (depending on how much you want to impress, use this handy guide):  No Fork (McDonald’s), Plastic Fork (KFC – Sporks count), Metal Fork (Friday’s, a Diner), More than one Metal Fork (Any place that doesn’t have one of those triangle things advertising desserts on the table).  Perhaps you should try: The Borg Hotel in Iceland which admittedly works best if you are already in Iceland.  Then…
  • It’s time to get things really amped up.  You need to take your date back to your place in a cool car.  I recommend an old Volkswagen Beetle.  You need to be close to each other and the Beetles are small.  If you feel the need to make conversation you can bring up the fact that Hitler had Porsche design it so all his people could have an affordable car.  That’s not very romantic, but it won’t matter, cause you can’t hear anything in the damn things anyway.  Which brings us back to the Heart.
  • The heart of a Blue Whale is roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.  That means that you can use all sorts of lovey-dovey analogies about how the love you have in your heart is bigger than a Blue Whale’s heart and that unlike blue whales you have hands with which to make needlessly rough and desperate graps at your date’s genitals.  Which Brings Us To…


  • A woman’s vagina is about 3 to 4 inches in length. This expands during intercourse. Ed – to make men feel badly about themselves.
  • The clitoris, vaginal lips and internal spongy tissue have almost as much erectile tissue as a man, but most of it is inside her body. Ed – mine is too, ZING!
  • It’s perfectly normal for a woman’s breasts to differ in size and shape. Ed – which is why mushing them into one big one is a good idea.
  • Up to 10% of women have hair growing around their nipples. Ed – And 3% of those women braid it.
  • When a woman is aroused, her breasts can increase by up to 25%. Ed – The scientists who performed this study took no financial compensation.
  • Almost 70% of women don’t reach orgasm during sexual intercourse. Ed – they aren’t trying hard enough.
  • Some women ejaculate through the urethra during sexual arousal. One to two ounces of clear, odorless fluid is expelled. Ed – if nobody is around, Google “Cytheria”
  • The average length of a fully erect penis is 5′”, with 90% of men averaging between 5″ and 7″. Ed – I am in the remaining 10% (which side of the scale is none of your business)
  • No matter what the email spammers tell you, NO cream or ointment is going to increase the size of his penis. There are no muscles in the penis, so exercise won’t help either. Ed – I need to call my Credit Card Company
  • 25% of all penises are bent when erect. Ed – this increases to 100% while wearing armor.
  • During ejaculation, a healthy, fertile man releases between 1 teaspoon and 1 tablespoon of semen, containing about 300 million sperm. Ed – don’t ever eat at the place where they did that study.
  • In 2004, the condom company Durex conducted a global sex survey. Globally, people are having sex an average of 103 times a year with women (106) having sex more frequently than men (101). Ed – Sluts
  • The French (137) are having the most sex, while those in Hong Kong and Singapore (both 79) and Japan (46), are the least sexually active. The UK (119) and New Zealand (114) rated better than the US (111). Ed – This explains a LOT about Japan.
  • Up to 35% of those surveyed admitted to having unprotected sex without knowing their partner’s sexual history. Ed – this is misleading, as they don’t mention that those people really needed some meth.
  • On average, people across the world spend 19.7 minutes on foreplay with men claiming to spend more time than women – 20.2 and 18.8 respectively. Ed – The female statistic is per sexual encounter.  The male statistic is for the year (and they don’t count blowjobs)
  • The British spend the most time on foreplay (22.5) while the US (19.7) and Finland (19.7) both rate as average. Those in Thailand obviously need some work scraping in a 11.5. Ed – Take that, Talen!
  • Four in ten women have faked orgasm in the last 12 months, while only 17% of men admit to faking it. Ed – the 17% of men who can fake it deserve some sort of award for having the dumbest girlfriends ever.
  • 45% of men admit to having an orgasm every time with only 17% of women achieving the same result. Ed – Men count when they whack it.  The percentage is low due to fear of getting caught or someone else getting on the bus.
  • Icelanders are most likely to use vibrators (52%), followed by those in Norway (50%) and the UK (49%) Ed – most of the people in Iceland are already related, I think, so this is a good plan.
  • Vibrators are more popular with women (20%) than men (14%) and men are more likely to have used a product which prolongs sexual intercourse. Ed – the men who use vibrators need to explain wtf they do with them.
  • Globally, men focus on women’s breasts as their sexiest feature while women think eyes are the sexiest.  Ed – that eye thing is bullshit.  Go to a LARP outing, I betcha there are some Warriors with killer eyes, but they are still going home to 4tube.

Armed with this info, you can have the best Valentine’s day ever.  And if you fail – you can still make fun of Thailand.