It’s Valentine’s day and you don’t have a date? Don’t worry; the Superficial Gallery is here to help correct your solitary existence. Relationships still need work but we’re going to help by weeding out the ten biggest mistakes made by the lovelorn.
She didn't know she was the sidekick until it was too late
Don’t date the clown – If you’re being made the butt of jokes to entertain everyone else take off the red nose. You want a partner, not to be a sidekick in a permanent vaudeville routine.
This couple couldn't get it all done fast enough. Wedding, beach vacation honeymoon, baby, all in one day
Don’t date a relationship junkie – The ring has been picked out and you met the parents on the first date. Take some time to know who you’re in love with before picking out the retirement home you’re going to both spend your golden years in.
Not the crowded hot tub AGAIN!
Don’t date for instant love – One night stands can be fun but it’s like eating only dessert if you’re indulging yourself too much.
I love me too.
Don’t date the mirror gazer – If you’re being matched as an accessory to your date let them find another more color coordinated person to hang around with.
Isn't that supposed to be Michael Douglas?
Don’t date Velcro – If your phone has so many messages on it the buffer is full and there’s a whole shelf of your photos in a shrine it’s time to worry that Jody Foster was the first choice and start looking for a copy of Catcher in the Rye.
Respect my authority!
Don’t date a ten year old – No, not a chronological ten year old, a grownup that never grew up inside. If it feels like you’re sitting at the lunch table in high school and they’re telling fart jokes, it’s time date someone your own mental age.
Don't Bogart that joint
Don’t date the slacker – No job, no goals, your best date was the beer run and the bong is a work of art. It’s just a great place to score weed not a potential date.
Um can I have a raise Mistress?
Don’t date your boss – What are you crazy? Dating any kind of authority figure can bring serious consequences. Do you really want that kind of reputation? What are you supposed to do if you want to break up and he or she doesn’t?
Was it worth it?
Don’t date anyone married – Three people in a relationship is one too many even when it’s one of those kinky relationships that is about three people in a relationship.
Sure he's cute and has his own battle cruiser but the relationship was messy
Don’t date your best friend’s ex – The grass might be greener on the other side of the fence but take a second to think about why they broke up before you blow a friendship and jump in with both feet.
Hi I'm homeless
My final advice is don’t date Paul Krueger. He’s not a millionaire; he’s homeless. Somehow this guy managed to swindle $100,000 out of women claiming to be a Grammy-nominated record producer.
LOVE IT!! This post is awesome. You rock.
Pretty solid advice!
That clown outfit is pretty sexy. Some guy just called into the King’s rock station in Bangor and asked for Pearl Necklace for his girlfriend and bragged, “I’m gonna get laid tonight.” A voice from the background said, “No you’re not!”
Maybe she wasn’t gonna lay him but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t gonna get laid.
That is way too logical Vange!
This is a very wise and funny piece. Although I find Nicholas Spark’s novels formulaic and emotionally manipulative, I allow myself to become emotional while watching the film version of “The Notebook” with Gena Rowlands & James Garner. It’s a carthasis for me.
Also, I appreciate the levity of this piece. I have been taking myself way too seriously lately. Thank you.
Yes you are!
I almost edited out the boss one – quit blocking me!
I keep telling you I’m not going on a date with you. McDonald’s and the back seat of your Subaru are not my idea of fun.
I went out alone (well I met a girlfriend out) and ended up being a judge in a shoulder massage contest so all in all VD rocked 😉